Some Helpful Tips For a Good Night's Sleep...

...OR The General Public's Complete Ignorance of Chronic Insomnia.

I know everyone is simply trying to help, but one would think that people who know me would actually stop and consider Insomnia as a disorder before telling me all the different things I could do to get to sleep. Just do the things they do - I'll be asleep in no time!

You people are retarded.

[Sorry, but lack of sleep tends to sap me of about 95-99% of my patience and sympathy, and I never had that much to begin with.]

So here's some Helpful Hints* I've been given with regard to the chronic insomnia from which I have suffered since 1997:

1.) Don't watch TV right before bed. (Or some have said, while in bed.) Instead, watch it in the living room and then go to bed.

• Why doesn't this work? BECAUSE I STILL CAN'T GET TO SLEEP. TV or no TV, this brain ain't shuttin' down. TV makes those long hours until dawn move just a little bit faster.

2.) Try and be more active during the day. And try to exercise in the middle of the day, not in the morning or at night.

• This would be fine and dandy if I was some rich b*tch who didn't have to work, and could just run around doing active things all day, and exercise in the afternoon to my heart's content, but most of us have to go to WORK. Of course right now, I can exercise in the afternoon because I just lost my job. I have however, been without employment before, and would usually be doing some form of physical activity most of the day until I wound down just before dinnertime. It doesn't work with the whole sleep thing. Not at all.
  

3.) One of my favorites: Just empty your mind of all thoughts and emotions, and you'll drift right of to sleep.

• This suggestion makes me want to punch things. My active mind is no doubt the root of my insomnia. If you are capable of just "emptying your mind," then you are entirely incapable of comprehending the noise level inside of mine.

4.) Don't eat for at least an hour before going to sleep.

• Do I f*@%ing look like I eat?

5.) My mother's favorite: Just go a few nights without sleep. Eventually you'll crash, and then you'll just get back into a normal sleep pattern.

• No. Today is Day 4 of No Sleeping Pills, and I think she's starting to get scared of me. - Case and point.
  

6.) Who don't you try going to a sleep study, or something similar?

• Because I have suffered from insomnia since age 12. It is therefore a preexisting condition, and so NOT COVERED BY MY BOLLOCKY HEALTH INSURANCE. And I'm 25 - Do you really think I can afford a sleep specialist???

7.) Why don't you try yoga/pilates/meditation?

• Shut up.
  

8.) You just need to take a few days for yourself/go on vacation/relax.

• I've taken about 20 family-related holidays and maybe 4 or 5 personal holidays since the insomnia started. One would think I'd be able to sleep by now.

I can't wait to see how I'm behaving by Day 7. Keep an eye for me on the news!!