(skip this if you're worried about Game of Thrones spoilers... or if, you know, you just don't care)
::beginrant::
You know who really pisses me the eff off??
Catelyn Stark.
Seriously.
WHAT
THE
F*CK
She's an effing train wreck. EVERY SINGLE DECISION she makes
ends in doom and destruction for her family.
And what pisses me off double is that I actually liked her
in the TV series. I mean I had already read books 1 - 3 by the time I started
watching it, but with what's her name playing Catelyn, I kind of liked her.
(Actually, the same goes for a lot of the characters in the series that I hated
in the books, like Ser Jorah, and Osha, and Tywin Lannister....)
Let's begin with that time someone came to assassinate Bran.
The assassin was killed by Bran's direwolf, and Catelyn--armed with the letter
her sister had sent her a while back, which was FULL OF LIES, about the
murderous nature of the Lannisters (I mean they're all douchebags, but at that
point in the story no one had ANY CONCRETE REASON WHATSOEVER to think the
Lannisters were committing numerous acts of treason)
...where was I? Oh yeah so Catelyn decided that OBVIOUSLY the
Lannisters are responsible for Bran's near-death, and so she ventures off to
King's Landing to *find out more information*.
So at King's Landing, Peter Baelish says of the attempted
murder weapon oh hey, that's MY knife, I lost it in a bet with Tyrion
Lannister.
He says he lost it in a bet with Tyrion Lannister, because
Peter claims he bet on Jamie Lannister and not the Mountain Clegane at a joust.
And the Mountain won.
And the Starks buy this explanation.
What the f*ck.
Are you people retarded.
It took like 2 more books for George R. R. Martin to come
out and say what makes this so retarded.
Tyrion is a f*cking LANNISTER. He's not going to bet against
his brother. So right away the Starks should have known that Peter Baelish is
full of shite.
 |
| Jamie Lannister - one of only two characters in this series who does NOT deserve to die. |
But no. Catelyn goes off back to Winterfell with murder on
the mind. And lo and behold, by chance she runs into Tyrion Lannister at an
inn.
And has everyone in the inn gang up on him so she can take
him prisoner.
A Lannister. Arrested. By a WOMAN. For no real reason other
than she's *pretty certain* he arranged to have her son killed.
And then instead of taking him to King's Landing, or back to
Winterfell, she takes Tyrion to the Eyrie, where her BATSH*T CRAZY sister
lives.
Naturally, when the Lannisters find out about this, they
more or less go to war because Tyrion has been unjustly imprisoned.
This is pretty much what starts the War.
The War. The War that is the plot of this entire series. The War that destroyed the seven kingdoms, the war
that made and killed like 5 kings, and pretty much killed and maimed EVERYONE.
It got started because Catelyn Stark SUCKS ASS.
Let's jump ahead to when Robb Stark (Catelyn's eldest son,
and King in the North) is trying to plan his war against the Lannisters, and
Catelyn led him to make one awful decision after another.
Like that time she convinced him to put Roose Bolton in
charge of one of the attacks.
Oh and that other time she went to negotiate with the Freys
on Robb's behalf. Now in fairness, I realize that decision is partially Robb's
fault because he let her go,
BUT
Catelyn basically hands over everything she has to these
f*cking peasant Freys who breed like rabbits. She takes on wards, makes them
squires, and promises Robb will marry one of the Frey women, just so poor Robb
can CROSS A F*CKING BRIDGE.
Ummmm what
And then by chance Robb (who is 16 and full of male
hormones) finds a pretty girl somewhere else and screws her, and then marries
her after because he's a nice f*cking guy. So of course now Big Daddy Frey is
pissed because Robb was supposed to marry one of his daughters.
Ohhh no but it's ok. The Freys can marry a daughter off to
Catelyn's brother instead, and the Freys will throw an awesome feast for the
wedding and totally make nice with Robb even though he SHAMED THEM.
And so Catelyn takes her brother and her eldest son to the
wedding with the Freys.
And the Freys F*CKING MASSACRE THEM. And Robb Stark is
killed.
I cannot even begin to articulate how I upset this made me.
But the fact that Catelyn Stark was finally murdered made me
feel a little better.
For like 2 seconds.
Somehow, the outlaw Dondarrion (who I thought totally ruled
until this point) brought Catelyn Stark back to life.
And what does Zombie Catelyn do?
ORDERS THE DEATH OF
THE
O N E A N D O N L Y P E R S O N who gave a sh*t about finding her daughters
alive and bringing them home safely.
AAAAAAAAAAARRRGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:O
CATELYN MUST BE STOPPED. KILLED. AGAIN.
WITH FIRE.
