It's like the N word and the C word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.

As y'all know, I have something of a spending problem when it comes to period costumes.

HOWEVER, this year, four of the giant dresses will be getting a night out on Halloween, as myself, 2 friends, and Lil Bro#2* have decided to wear them to Big Sis#2's house to give candy to the millions** of trick-or-treaters she gets.

I really enjoyed dressing up as Elsa a couple years ago, so this year I decided to mix it up and dress up as Baroque Elsa, hence justifying*** my purchasing a new giant dress.

The new dress arrived last week, and I raced home after work to try it on.

This is the first one-piece period costume I have ever purchased. You'd think that would make it easier to put on. Think again, my friends.

I ran into serious trouble when I finally managed to get both arms into the sleeves.

At which point I realized I was stuck.

Why was I stuck, you may ask? Wellllllllll it's because of a problem I frequently have with clothing.

BUT I DID NOT GIVE UP

The dress is bigger than my apartment, so it's impossible to get a decent photo of it. This is the best I could get:

In other news....

I've been doing some decorating and now I'm going to show off.

I think I'm most proud of the mini curio cabinet.

That's on the wall right outside the bedroom.

And in that photo you can see my fantastic new table.

My owl collection has some new additions.

I've decorated the windows for autumn.

And here's a picture of my fridge just because.

*yes, really

**this may be an exaggeration

***not at all

****it was taking way too long to draw that

It's high tech fat! Good to 40 below.

I've overheard this particular sentiment like five times this week (usually from men) so I feel the need to complain about it: being bothered by women's bra straps showing.

I was unaware that this is offensive.

Why are you afraid of my bra strap? It's just a bra. Do you not like knowing that I have boobs? They're kind of hard to miss, which is why I need the bra.

It's been consistently 90 degrees F and above the last 2 months. NINETY F**KING DEGREES.

But apparently my bra straps are not allowed to be seen. So I guess I'll have to wear something that is not a tank top to cover them. So I can sweat to death and get even worse swamp boob than I already have.

Someone please tell me I'm not the only one that thinks that is totally frigging stupid.

I don't really have anything else to talk about. Guess I just figured I'd do one last post before I disappear for a while, lest anyone feel concerned about said disappearing....

In a recent cleanout of some stuffs in the garage, I found Zoot!

[don't ask]

He lives in the car now, along with Wimpy and Spooky.

Spooky has been my co-pilot since I first learned to drive.

 Yes, my friends, I am in fact an adult.

Such an adult that I shall be turning 31 this coming Monday. To celebrate our birthdays (C's was last week), she and I are heading to Kentucky next Tuesday, for a week of barn dances and overeating.

This weekend, Dad and Stepmom are taking the RV out for one last camping adventure before the nice weather goes away. I was not originally going to go with them, but then Lil Bro#1 called me and was like yeah they were kind of planning this to be a birthday thing so you should probably come with us. I must stock up on beer.

the one about the boobs

Everyone loves big boobs. What's not to love?

LOTS AND LOTS OF THINGS.

When I put on weight, it goes straight to my chest and hips. I'm not complaining mind you; there are worse places the weight could go. But it can still be a pain in the arse.

Navigating stairs first thing in the morning requires both hands on your chest. You will not know true pain until you run down the stairs and forget to hold on to your boobs.

My underwear supply contains three different bra sizes, because the slightest fluctuation in weight can send me from a C to a D. Even then, the bras rarely fit right. The cups might be larger, but in reality the bra is simply not designed to hold that much boob. Thus you end up with what my friends and I call the "two not four" problem, where the top of your bra cuts your boobs in half.

The fashion industry does not cater to large-breasted women, unless you really enjoy going around dressed like you work the red light district. Every top I own was carefully selected because finding a fitted shirt with enough room in the chest that my cleavage is not popping out of the shirt is nearly impossible. Most shirts that are not low-cut leave me feeling like I'm wearing a boa constrictor.

And button down shirts? Forget it. If you have big boobs, you can never wear those. That was lots of fun in Catholic school. Especially when I was 12 and the only girl in class with boobs.

Also whoever invented the cami with the built-in bra should be PUNCHED IN THE FACE.

They wouldn't bother me so much if there were more non-built-in-bra camis, but seriously no matter what store I go into, EVERY MOTHEREFFING CAMI HAS A BUILT IN BRA. Most of the time I end up just buying them and then cutting the bra out when I get home.

Another trend that REALLY REALLY NEEDS TO STOP is the dress worn by every single effing bridesmaid ever since the late 1990's. I don't care what anyone says, I've seen at least 50 different weddings on facebook alone and in all of them, the bridesmaids are all wearing the exact same dress. The only thing that changes from wedding to wedding is the colour.

First of all, these shapeless strapless bridesmaids dresses are awful in general.

Secondly, I cannot think of a meaner, crueler thing to do than to ask your big-tittied best friend to wear a STRAPLESS dress in your wedding.

None of those "strapless bras" or those weird squishy stick-on bras actually work if you have big boobs. None of them. Ever. Large-breasted women simply cannot comfortably wear strapless dresses, unless you are strapped into that thing with an 18th century whale bone corset.

You know what's really awkward? People who like giving really tight hugs. I usually go into hugs in a sort of forward arch that probably makes me look like a vulture.

But you can't maintain that position with someone who drags you into a really tight hug. Then comes that awkward moment when your boobs are pressed against someone who is not your significant other.

 .  .  .

On the positive side, you'd be amazed how many things I can conceal in my bra.

That really comes in handy at concerts.

LET'S SEE WHERE THE BOOBY RUNS THEN

The gorgeous Clytie nominated me for a blogger award! (The liebster award or something....) Thank ye m'lady. :)

The rules:

- when you are nominated, thank the person/people who nominated you in your next post. Include a link to their blog.

- in that post include 11 things about yourself.

- answer the 11 questions from the person who nominated you.

- choose 11 bloggers to nominate.

- create 11 questions for them to answer.

- let them know you nominated them.

11 Things About Myself:

...I'm trying to think of weird facts I haven't disclosed previously...

1. something Pogo brought up in the last post--I don't like female vocalists, unless they're opera singers. I have an itty bitty handful of exceptions (like Hole, and the Cranberries, and the occasional Abba song when I'm drunk), but generally I can't stand listening to female singers. A male friend suggests that this is because I am a Pack Leader and no woman should be howling but me.

I suppose I can accept that explanation.

2. I have wanted to learn to joust since I was little. Unfortunately, most places will not teach women because it's hard to get armor to fit properly over boobs, which can be problematic if you're hit in the chest with a lance and the armor shifts. You can actually lose your head that way.

3. I love my boobs. They're the main thing keeping me afloat in the stormy sea of ED recovery and Christmas foods. Because with every extra calorie I consume, they get a little larger.

BEAR WITNESS TO THEIR GLORY

4. I recently finished writing an entire novel (albeit a children's novel) in two months. It's the longest book I've ever written (~68,000 words). The entire thing got started because I saw this photo of Munly at the top of my tumblr dashboard at 2.00 in the morning:

5. People are constantly telling me that I smell good. I never wear perfume, but instead a blend of oils (Nag Champa and Night Queen, which I purchase at Moondancer).

6. One of my favourite things to do ever is drive aimlessly. I take off early in the morning and just drive in one direction until I no longer recognize my surroundings, and then I purposely try to get lost so I can both find new interesting places and also find my way home without maps or GPS. At this point, I know almost every back road in a 200-mile radius. I can also get to Philadelphia and back without ever getting on a highway.

Because you never know when you might stumble across an abandoned castle in the middle of the woods of New Jersey.... 

7. My hair colourist probably knows more about my private life than anyone else.

8. Sometimes when no one else is home, I put Beethoven or Verdi or something similar on the huge stereo in the living room (with the surround sound) and blast it loud enough to shake the house. The neighbours have complained about this more than once.

9. Currently 9 out of my 10 fingers have wounds that refuse to heal, as a result of the combination of the dryness caused by central heating and my inability to stop picking at the cuts and cracks. My knuckles are all cracked as well. This is the second year in a row that the splits and cracks on my thumbs did not heal in the spring/summer, so I have now had open wound(s) on my thumbs for a straight 25 and a half months. Big Sis#2 has the same problem, except her hands look like they're coated in chalk. Because of this, we now refer to each other as The Leper (me) and Asbestos-Hands (BigSis2).

I'd post pictures but trust me no one wants to see that.

10. My Boss is dating an ex-porn star. Like legit.

She's friends with Jenna Jameson and everything.

11. I'm hungry. Someone make me a sandwich.

And Clytie's questions:

1. Most prized possession?

As a hoarder, this is a difficult question to answer...

If my house was on fire and I only had time to grab one thing (after grabbing the cats obviously, but I don't count them as possessions because technically I am their possession), I think it would be the Alethiometer.

Dunno why, I just love it...

2. Where do you see yourself in 3 months?

Idk? Hopefully not exactly where I am now, but I feel like that's the most likely.

3. In a year?

Hopefully on my way the f*ck out of New Jersey. Operation Move To Colorado is in the works...

4. Favorite article of clothing?

The Baroque gowns:

5. Biggest vice?

Smoking I guess.

6. Best day of your life?

I'm still waiting for that one to happen.

7. Worst day?

The day my cat died.

8. If you could choose how and when you die?

In battle, on a Friesian, with a sword.

9. What is the worst thing your illness has caused you to do?

Cut myself off from nearly all of my friends in favour of a hermetic life.

10. Favorite song?

There are sooooo many! I can't choose this on my own, so I shall consult itunes....

...There is a three-way tie for Most Played songs: my fav Queen song, WovenHand, and my absolute favourite piece of Classical music ever.

11. Biggest secret?

That will follow me to my grave.

So I'm supposed to nominate 11 people. To make this as fair as possible, I'm going with the last 11 commenters on this blog (skipping those who I know did this already, and skipping Suldog because I think he swore off surveys...):

Kazehana

Jeanne

Depressed SkinnyMess

Jenn

Mark

Yeamie Waffles

Al Penwasser

Pearl

Mhairi

Aetatis

Nessa
and Pogo :P

Aaaaaaaaaaand now 11 questions for you gorgeous people:

1. Who's your favourite Batman villain?

2. Who is the rightful ruler of Westeros?

3. You're stuck in the booby-trapped home of the bad guy from The Collector, and locked in a room with your neighbour's annoying and kind of vicious dog, a bully from your grade school years, and a relative you really can't stand. You happen to stumble upon a way of escape, but there's only time to grab one of the others in the room to save them before the booby-trapped room kills the other two. Who do you save?

4. You're having a grand ol' time at a party when suddenly the zombie apocalypse strikes. Luckily, everyone at the party has awesome survival skills, and most of them brought food, water, weapons, and camping gear with them in their cars. If you leave with them now, you WILL survive the zombies and get to a safe place somewhere in the wilderness.

...However,

your family is still in your house, over an hour from where you are now, and much closer to the city (which is obviously filled with many more zombies than the suburbs or the country, where you are). And you have the family's only working vehicle.

What do you do? Stay with the other survivors, or risk everything to go back for your loved ones who may, in all likelihood, be overrun by zombies already?

5. What's your favourite bird?

6. Do you believe that dragons and unicorns once existed, sometime long, long ago?

7. Have you ever thought about robbing a bank? How would you do it?

8. Yay, you found a genie!

Make three wishes.

9. Do you have any strange phobias?

10. Under pain of torture and death, you must choose between spending twenty-four hours in a bathtub full of wolf spiders, or marrying into Honey Boo Boo's family and spending the rest of your life under house arrest in their home. What do you pick?

11. It's nighttime and you're leaving the mall to hurry to your car, which is parked in a dark and empty corner of a sketchy parking garage. A nerdy-looking man nearby is trying to load some heavy shopping bags into the trunk of his car, but he's having a very hard time of it because he has a big cast on one arm. He ends up dropping half of his stuff all over the ground.

Do you stop and help him?

I hope all of you are enjoying the holiday season! ♥

You tell me. You're the one that looks like you just crawled out of a microwave.

No progress on the M issue yet... Our work schedules clash a bit, so I prob won't get a chance to talk to him until the weekend.

More progress in the anti-ED movement. (That being said, I feel the need to apologize again if I'm not commenting on your blog when you've commented on mine. I'm not ignoring you, I promise; I just need to to avoid triggering posts. Self preservation and whatnot.) It's a daily struggle, but I'm doing pretty well, I think. It helps that I do really LOVE food. I like trying new foods and experimenting with making new foods. I'm still counting calories, but not in order to restrict them; it's more because I have lost the ability to know how much I should be eating on a day to day basis and I don't want to unknowingly start consuming 4,000 calories a day. I figure I'll ween myself off of the calorie-counting as I re-learn how to feed myself properly.

Keeping the ::omgI'mtoofattolive:: anxiety at bay is tough, but I'm starting to like my body again. One good thing about the weight I've put back on over the last couple months--my boobs are back! The ED robbed me of my delicious rack, but it's now starting to come back into its former glory. And I'm starting to remember how much I loved having an actual figure. 

that's the dress I wore on Christmas Eve

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Matthew nominated me to answer some fun questions (thanks, guy!!), so here goes:

Question One- Sadly you're forced into competing in a fight with famous boxing legend Mike Tyson in his prime. Before fighting him in the ring however you're allowed to pick three other bloggers who would come out individually to fight Mike before you had to (you know, with the intention of weakening him or beating him so you'll have an easy fight or won't have to.) Who do you pick to fight Mike?

Well now, that is a dilly of a pickle. Sadly, I don't think I could live with myself if I sent someone else into danger in my place, so I'm afraid I'm just going to have to take my chances and fight him. I might propose, since he clearly has the best chance of winning a fight in a boxing ring, that we compete against each other in a different sport?

I might not win that one either, but sure at least I'll have fun while I'm being slaughtered.

Question Two- What super power would you pick? The ability to read minds, to teleport to anywhere you want to three times a day, to see everything you touch turn into gold, or to turn into a cockroach on a whim (that's not really a power though but still!).

The cockroach power would actually be quite useful, but I'm going to have to go with teleportation. I've no desire to see the inside of anyone's mind (my own is quite enough thanks), and gold kind of clashes with my skin tone. But teleportation would not only allow me to never set foot in an airplane ever again, it would ensure that I remain in 1st place in the ongoing competition between myself and my siblings (and a few cousins) in which we attempt to frighten the living daylights out of each other with stealth.

Question Three- Some record company bigwig phones you up and orders you to feature with any musician alive or dead in their next album. Which musician do you pick?

Marilyn Manson, without question. I've always wanted to be in one of those videos.

Question Four- Can you draw? If so draw me however you interpret me, it's fine if you can't!

Question Five- What would you rather be? A bar or a car? (My best friend Ryan once asked this question during "open mic" night at a bar and the confused faces made back at him were hilarious.)

I'll have to go with car, as bars tend have more of a chance of being filled with skanks, idiots, and vomit. But what kind of car? So many choices!!

1968 Firebird?

Monster truck?

Jaguar Roadster?

Question Six- Um, could you tell us something about your past that nobody on here knows yet?

I tried to think of a good story, but me mind is a blank. So instead, here is something almost as fun.......

ONE of the following is NOT true:

- I lost my virginity at age 14.

- I once crashed into a parked car and fled. it wasn't a bad crash, but still...

- I have never told either of my parents that I hate them.

- My favourite meat is wild boar, second favourite are game birds.

- I have participated in consensual incest, and it was within the first 4 degrees of kindred.

- I adore Phil Collins, Abba, and Britney Spears, and have all of Brit's albums on my ipod.

- I started working (as in for money, and not doing things for my parents) at age 12.

- I have twice worked as a bookkeeper for vitamin* dealers.

- One of my close friends used to kill animals for fun, and leave the bodies on his enemies' doorsteps.

- I have peed in my sister's shampoo because she pissed me off.

- I do not own any pornography.

- My mother used to bring me to the bar with her when she couldn't get a babysitter, and leave me to sleep on a bench in the corner.

- I have been a serious insomniac since age 12.

I'll let y'all guess which one is the lie, because I'm never telling. :)

And now I need to come up with six more questions, and six people to answer them. 

>:D

First, the victims:

- Kazehana

- Insomniac#4

- Jeanne

- Elk

- Honor Regzig

- Peri

Question the First: Who is your daddy, and what does he do?

(Bonus points if you know what movie that's from.)

Question the Second: What was your favourite band/musician when you were 15?

Question the Third: You're on a crowded train and the person sitting next you has REALLY BAD gas. The only other seat available in your car is next to a mother and her screaming child. What do you do?

Question the Fourth: You're running late for your best friend's wedding, and you're in the bridal party. (Or you're one of the groomsmen, if you're a dude). While you're flooring it down the highway to get to the church, you see your arch nemesis pulled over on the shoulder--their car is on fire, and they're struggling to get their 2-year-old and their dog out of the back seat, but they can't seem to get the door open. There's no one else on the road. What do you do?

Question the Fifth: Why is a raven like a writing desk?

And finally, Question the Sixth: Are you prepared to give your life for Gondor?