Insignificant Others

I can't help but eavesdrop when Mum is on the phone with relatives. Mainly this is because Mum is an incredibly loud individual, but I'm also kind of nosy.

Today, Mum was on the phone gossiping with her sister, and they started talking about Yours Truly. At this point I got a better hiding place, and settled down to listen to the entire conversation. (Mum is also deaf when it comes to technology, and so turns the volume all the way up on the phone so I can hear everything the other person is saying.) Their conversation went through my recent job loss, my going back to school, and then--shockingly--to my lack of a boyfriend. They talked about that last one for some time, and about how I "never seem to have a boyfriend, or even go on dates," and how this is "abnormal," and Auntie suggested that perhaps Bellatrix is a lesbian.

One would think that after 25 years of living under the same roof, Mummie Dearest would have figured out a few things about her middle child. I am simply not the boyfriend-having type. A lone wolf. This bird definitely flies solo. Don't get me wrong - I love men, but not for long-term use. Why?

- A steady boyfriend requires a steady attention span, which I do not possess.

- In a similar vein, I get bored very, VERY easily.

- I am perhaps the pickiest woman on the planet when it comes to a man's appearance.

- I don't like people tagging along when I engage in leisurely activities.

- I am a hedonist. That means I will probably have trouble remaining faithful to one person.

- At some point, every man I date is going to try and tell me what to do (i.e., stay at home rather than going to the pub, eat more than 500 cals a day, go visit his parents, blah blah blah). There is no faster way to rejection than telling me what to do.

- I really just don't like the idea of sharing my life with someone. It's MINE. Back the f**k off. Sex is fine for sharing. Relationships are not so fine.

So what I'm trying to say to you, Mum, is that there will not be a wedding any time soon. :)