Friday, November 9, 2012

Dude, check it out! Time Cop on DVD. Three copies for eighteen bucks!


Let’s talk about Walmart.

 There are two Walmarts within driving distance of my house—the regular one in the Airmont/Monsey area on Route 59 and the Supercenter in Harriman. I never think to go to Walmart whenever I need something and recently someone accused me of being pompous, and cited this as one of the pieces of evidence that proves their theory.

 NO, arsehole.

I mean yes, I may be a pompous windbag, but that is not why I never think of going to Walmart. It has more to do with PTSD.

 My BFF M (I've mentioned his madness before) LOOOOVES Walmart. He physically cannot drive past a Walmart without stopping to go for a nice 3-6 hour browse. One time—and I sh*t you not—a couple of us were on one of our weekend adventures and M goes, “I smell a Walmart!”

 30 seconds later, we drive up and over a small hill
and there’s a fecking Walmart.

M had never been to that part of NJ before. Had never been anywhere near it.

 It was worse back when our group was larger and included M’s older sister, Ash-hole.
(Ash-hole and I have been arch-nemeses since like 2008, but that is a long and melodramatic and obnoxious story for another time…)

 Ash-hole loves Walmart, too. So if you were unfortunate enough to be in the car with both M and Ash-hole and they passed a Walmart, your entire day and/or night and/or weekend would be RUINED, because all the things that made a Walmart trip with M so horrific would be doubled in both duration and severity.

 M does the exact same thing every time he goes to Walmart:

 1. Walmart spotted!
 Sometimes he tries to pass this off as an accident.

 He MUST stop and go in.


 2. M will then try to convince you he needs something specific, like moisturizer.
 And then just one more thing, like some 50-thread count sandpaper they’re trying to call bedding.
 Oh and maybe some throw pillows.

 This leads directly to step 3:

 3. The acquisition of a shopping cart.

It’s all downhill from here.

 4. Cosmetics.
 M will spend 20-30 minutes browsing through the cosmetics and toiletries, sampling lotions and smelling every single bottle of shampoo that they have.

 5. Diet pills.
 Because they’re so much cheaper here! But we must make sure we read the entire label of every single one they sell before M eventually chooses the same one he always buys.

 (Total time in Walmart so far: 60 – 80 minutes)

6. Cheap electronics.
 M will spend 30 – 40 minutes comparing the prices of all the DVD players, televisions, and computers. You will browse through the cheap DVD’s until you need your own section in M’s shopping cart.

 7. The craft section.
 M will have a quick browse through the fake flowers and arts & craft kits and whatnot, at which point you will inevitably arrange the big wooden letters into filthy words.

8. The gardening section and plants.
 Kiss your Saturday night goodbye.

(Total time in Walmart so far: 120 - 200 minutes)

 9. The cart is now full and M decides he doesn’t want anything in it, so now you must stealthily move about the store emptying the cart, eventually leaving it in one of the clothing sections.

 10. a. M will now purchase one item and spend less than $2. You will spend at least $50 on all the shite you’ve acquired over the last 4 hours, mostly DVD’s.

 -or-

 10. b. M will not purchase anything and you will have a nervous breakdown.


…I have gotten my revenge, though, because I do the exact same thing to him in the Christmas Tree Shop.

21 comments:

  1. Ewww I hate Walmart! I actually go there anytime I need something, but I go in and get the freak out. But I think we all have our stores we can just spend hours in, mine is the grocery store. My friends refuse to go food shopping with me because it's rare that I will go in and just leave. I'm like your friend, pick up a bunch of foods, compare and read labels, and then exit with nothing. lol

    Emily

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  2. Bwahaha I do love your cartoons.
    I've spent a few hours at Walmart before... I think I live-blogged while grocery shopping there back when my phone battery worked properly.
    But ofc I shopped alone. Why subject a friend to my crazy?
    Spare my friends the PTSD ^_^

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  3. So Wal Marts really are like that? The reason I don't think I would want to spend time in one is that once you're in, you're gone forever. Not to mention all the stuff about the way they treat their workers and what not. At least you get your revenge. I really wonder what kind of person would buy several copies of the same movie because it was cheaper in bulk. I think that would really happen.

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  4. I love your cartoons as always Mich although I think that I'm like your friend, whenever I go to Walmart I just can't help myself, there's so much to see like you pointed out and there's literally DVDs on everything and I can't get enough of that. I'm glad that you got your revenge for the long time spent there because I could see spending hours in each section only for him to buy nothing being irksome a little, my mum's the same.

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  5. Your friend is exactly why always looks like post-apocalyptic ass inside of Walmart. There are always Cheerios and deli ham next to the pillows, liters of coke shoved between the vacuums...I can't cope with that shit. I won't go into a Wally World unless it is literally the only store open that I can find that has what I need. lol

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  6. You have my deepest sympathies! I always go on shopping sprees alone to save other people the irritation of going shopping with me. I'm just as annoying, but I never buy anything, as I never have money. Yep, pointless IS my middle name! Haha! Great pics, as always, M.! Your package is in the mail. Love you. :) ♥♥♥

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  7. ..why do you think about lynching black people when you're inside Wal-Mart?

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  8. I spend for-EVER in walmart pushing around a near empty shopping cart and leave with only 1 or 2 bags of things. Target on the other hand! Target=Moneypit.

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  9. Wow I was literally reading your post yesterday and feeling so sorry for you. Then I ended up in a Walmart for practically two hours! Haha I don't like Walmart as much as Target :) I feel your pain girl!

    Xoxo

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  10. This is THE EXACT REASON why we never did groceries with Dad. Two hour later he is STILL pricing up the fucking marmite while you're trying to lock yourself in the freezers.

    I'm so glad to hear your Non-Euclidean Hell Disease seems to be turning tail and fleeing. I no longer have to whisper, so things are improving :D

    Random question: When the is YOUR birthday? I never write this shit down so I have forgotten every single birthday this year apart from Dads. Ugh.

    Sending you e-hugs and good-immune-system thoughts <3

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  11. Oh, this was soooo great. i have read it about 3 times and finally caught thr "letters' part...hee! You are soooo talented and funny, not only should you make a book out of your sailing adventure, you should makr a book out of ALL your MS adventures! Seriuosly.

    Much Love,
    tracy

    PS Thank you for the Birthday greetings!

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  12. that is simply hilarious. i stopped into a walmart and bought one thing once and the lady at the cash register was like, how'd you get out of here with only that?!
    -_-'
    walmart is so sub parrr. glad you got some good dvd's though. (;

    missed you! <3

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  13. I have never and now most likely will never step foot inside a walmart lol thanks for the entertainment x

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  14. I'm hating on Walmart right now because of their (and other retailers) plans to open on Thanksgiving day. Greedy fucks.

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  15. Surprised you didn't mention the other kinds of people that visit Wal-Mart, you know, like the ones posted on peopleofwalmart.com.

    I've never seen any in Canada, maybe the cold kills them off.

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  16. Of COURSE he smelled Walmart. Those fart clouds in the frozen foods section are deadly.

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  17. This is cute but yeah, Walmart says everything you need to know about America, in a bad way.

    /Avy

    http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com

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  18. Buh? You actually LIKE it when I do NaNoWriMo? Why? It's nothing but unedited crap! You're actually all edited and polished and published and stuff, like QUALITY writing. I don't understand o.O

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  19. You mean people actually get excited when they go into Walmart? Meanwhile, I feel like what little's left of my soul gets siphoned out the second I step through those automatic doors. I just want to grab whatever item I need and go.

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  20. Excited to go to Walmart? He must live a fun filled live! It's good to hear you get him back though! and who wouldn't want three copies of Time Cop for eight bucks! Just need three TV and three dvd players and you're set!!

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  21. Ugh, Walmart! Used to like it when I was a young teen (13-14)... but no more now. The one here is dirty and I can't deal with dirty. I also don't like rude people, which the staff at the walmart here is rude.

    I never understood how Walmart could have such cheap prices and who would want to buy the same DVD in bulk...

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We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.