Let’s talk about Walmart.
There are two Walmarts within driving distance of my house—the regular one in the Airmont/Monsey area on Route 59 and the Supercenter in Harriman. I never think to go to Walmart whenever I need something and recently someone accused me of being pompous, and cited this as one of the pieces of evidence that proves their theory.
I mean yes, I may be a pompous windbag, but that is not why I never think of going to Walmart. It has more to do with PTSD.
My BFF M (I've mentioned his madness before) LOOOOVES Walmart. He physically cannot drive past a Walmart without stopping to go for a nice 3-6 hour browse. One time—and I sh*t you not—a couple of us were on one of our weekend adventures and M goes, “I smell a Walmart!”
30 seconds later, we drive up and over a small hill
and there’s a fecking Walmart.
M had never been to that part of NJ before. Had never been anywhere near it.
It was worse back when our group was larger and included M’s older sister, Ash-hole.
(Ash-hole and I have been arch-nemeses since like 2008, but that is a long and melodramatic and obnoxious story for another time…)
Ash-hole loves Walmart, too. So if you were unfortunate enough to be in the car with both M and Ash-hole and they passed a Walmart, your entire day and/or night and/or weekend would be RUINED, because all the things that made a Walmart trip with M so horrific would be doubled in both duration and severity.
M does the exact same thing every time he goes to Walmart:
1. Walmart spotted!
Sometimes he tries to pass this off as an accident.
He MUST stop and go in.
2. M will then try to convince you he needs something specific, like moisturizer.
And then just one more thing, like some 50-thread count sandpaper they’re trying to call bedding.
Oh and maybe some throw pillows.
This leads directly to step 3:
3. The acquisition of a shopping cart.
It’s all downhill from here.
M will spend 20-30 minutes browsing through the cosmetics and toiletries, sampling lotions and smelling every single bottle of shampoo that they have.
5. Diet pills.
Because they’re so much cheaper here! But we must make sure we read the entire label of every single one they sell before M eventually chooses the same one he always buys.
(Total time in Walmart so far: 60 – 80 minutes)
6. Cheap electronics.
M will spend 30 – 40 minutes comparing the prices of all the DVD players, televisions, and computers. You will browse through the cheap DVD’s until you need your own section in M’s shopping cart.
7. The craft section.
M will have a quick browse through the fake flowers and arts & craft kits and whatnot, at which point you will inevitably arrange the big wooden letters into filthy words.
8. The gardening section and plants.
Kiss your Saturday night goodbye.
(Total time in Walmart so far: 120 - 200 minutes)
9. The cart is now full and M decides he doesn’t want anything in it, so now you must stealthily move about the store emptying the cart, eventually leaving it in one of the clothing sections.
10. a. M will now purchase one item and spend less than $2. You will spend at least $50 on all the shite you’ve acquired over the last 4 hours, mostly DVD’s.
10. b. M will not purchase anything and you will have a nervous breakdown.
…I have gotten my revenge, though, because I do the exact same thing to him in the Christmas Tree Shop.