Oh yeah, and the Bend And Snap actually does work. Like 99.9% of the time.
There's also some behavior analysis that goes into it. But mainly all you need to do is learn from the Master:
She is the reason I went blonde and cut all my hair off. Because she's perfect.
I think I'll just stop right there, because if I get started talking about Marilyn, I could go on for hours.
Just one more.
There's this really delicious guy at my gym. Unfortunately, I can't seem to work my wiles at the gym because I'm sweating, and either not wearing [much] make-up, or it's getting blotchy and smeared from me being sweaty.
And of course, the last few times Hot Guy has been there, I've had no makeup on. On Thursday, he showed up (he usually is only there on weekends) and I had just started on the elliptical, so I was like YYEEEESSSS I don't look like a mess, I can totally seduce him!!!
Then I was like oh wait. I'm wearing the most ridiculous shirt ever.
It's nerve-wracking sometimes, being OUT with no makeup on.
Ok well actually "no makeup" for me means that I have on a powder concealer, some mascara, and light-coloured lipstick that could sort of pass for my natural lip colour.
If I'm outside with no makeup on whatsoever, then that means I'm either sleepwalking, or my house is on fire. I've had boyfriends who never saw me without makeup. Mt roommates even--they never saw me without makeup. Damo was actually quite disturbed by it.
I need to wear makeup. I'm NEUROTIC about this. Why?
Well, duh--because I'm hideous without it.
All imperfections must be obliterated if I am to leave the house for anywhere other than the gym.
Let me explain:
I know I'm a bit insane. I know that some of these cannot possibly be covered by makeup. But for some reason, I believe that my application of makeup is almost like magic, and everything looks better once I've put on all the foundation, concealer, eyeshadow, mascara, etc., etc., etc.....
1.) Make up is not going to fix my hair. And my hair is retarded. Some bits are pin straight, some are varying degrees of wavy, and then
2.) there's a couple spots with perfect ringlets, that will not respond to any hair products, blow dryers, or straighteners. Apparently this is like the Official Stamp of Pure Irish Blood. Thank God for Aquanet.
3.) Make-up will not cover up my overbite. Continuing to wear my retainer probably would have been more effective.
4.) I don't know why my eyes are always red and bloodshot. Sure after smokey treats, THEN I know why, but on a day to day basis? My nose randomly flares up into redness as well. I have noticed that other extremely pale people seem to suffer from the red nose and eyes. Like Nicole Kidman--her eyes are always red. And she's fabulously pale.
5.) The double chin (which I may or may not have, depending on my mood) cannot be altered with makeup. Neither can the fact that I have a weak chin, and no neck.
The other stuff actually can be fixed with make-up:
6.) The red blotches. They're always there; they just become more apparent if I'm drunk, exerting myself, or out in the sun. Those and the blackheads are the reason that I MUST wear concealer at all times. No exceptions.
7.) BLACKHEADS. I squeeze them out, but yet they still return. I have tried every exfoliant, and even face washes that are more or less sand in a tube, but to no avail. I imagine that if I didn't wear so much makeup on my face, I probably wouldn't have blackheads, but if I think about that for too long, but my brain will melt and leak out of my ears.
8.) My eyebrows, when I am in full make-up, look as though they have been tweezed and shaped by God Almighty Himself. Without cosmetic assistance, I don't really have eyebrows. In some kind of nod to vintage Japanese fashion, they only grow up to a certain point (almost to where the arch should be), and then I'm pretty much bald. A number of my female cousins share the same eyebrows. I suspect inbreeding is behind some of these facial and hair abnormalities.
I sat down at the computer with the intention of typing out more of one of the books I recently finished. That was over an hour ago. Now it's time to leave for dindin with Mum.
I'll never understand why writers are such procrastinators. 'Tis a conundrum.