Saturday, May 14, 2011

A BLACK sheriff?!?

... I think I've still got it. It's all in the subtle facial expressions. If you can appear lost, helpless, sad, and yet still refined, it's easy peasy. But it is also about targeting the right victim. Men over 35 are generally more susceptible, and I have also noticed (here in Bergen County, at least) that men from the lower-middle class, rather than the stuck-up POS white collar execs that make up most of the population here, are much quicker to lend a lady a hand. 

Oh yeah, and the Bend And Snap actually does work. Like 99.9% of the time.

There's also some behavior analysis that goes into it. But mainly all you need to do is learn from the Master:



She is the reason I went blonde and cut all my hair off. Because she's perfect. 

I think I'll just stop right there, because if I get started talking about Marilyn, I could go on for hours. 

....

Just one more.

<3

There's this really delicious guy at my gym. Unfortunately, I can't seem to work my wiles at the gym because I'm sweating, and either not wearing [much] make-up, or it's getting blotchy and smeared from me being sweaty. 

And of course, the last few times Hot Guy has been there, I've had no makeup on. On Thursday, he showed up (he usually is only there on weekends) and I had just started on the elliptical, so I was like YYEEEESSSS I don't look like a mess, I can totally seduce him!!!

Then I was like oh wait. I'm wearing the most ridiculous shirt ever.
>:(

One day....

It's nerve-wracking sometimes, being OUT with no makeup on. 

Ok well actually "no makeup" for me means that I have on a powder concealer, some mascara, and light-coloured lipstick that could sort of pass for my natural lip colour. 

If I'm outside with no makeup on whatsoever, then that means I'm either sleepwalking, or my house is on fire. I've had boyfriends who never saw me without makeup. Mt roommates even--they never saw me without makeup. Damo was actually quite disturbed by it.

I need to wear makeup. I'm NEUROTIC about this. Why?

Well, duh--because I'm hideous without it.

All imperfections must be obliterated if I am to leave the house for anywhere other than the gym.

Let me explain:
I know I'm a bit insane. I know that some of these cannot possibly be covered by makeup. But for some reason, I believe that my application of makeup is almost like magic, and everything looks better once I've put on all the foundation, concealer, eyeshadow, mascara, etc., etc., etc.....

Completely Irrational:
1.)  Make up is not going to fix my hair. And my hair is retarded. Some bits are pin straight, some are varying degrees of wavy, and then 

2.) there's a couple spots with perfect ringlets, that will not respond to any hair products, blow dryers, or straighteners. Apparently this is like the Official Stamp of Pure Irish Blood. Thank God for Aquanet.

3.) Make-up will not cover up my overbite. Continuing to wear my retainer probably would have been more effective. 

4.)  I don't know why my eyes are always red and bloodshot. Sure after smokey treats, THEN I know why, but on a day to day basis? My nose randomly flares up into redness as well. I have noticed that other extremely pale people seem to suffer from the red nose and eyes. Like Nicole Kidman--her eyes are always red. And she's fabulously pale.

5.) The double chin (which I may or may not have, depending on my mood) cannot be altered with makeup. Neither can the fact that I have a weak chin, and no neck.

The other stuff actually can be fixed with make-up:
6.) The red blotches. They're always there; they just become more apparent if I'm drunk, exerting myself, or out in the sun. Those and the blackheads are the reason that I MUST wear concealer at all times. No exceptions.

7.) BLACKHEADS. I squeeze them out, but yet they still return. I have tried every exfoliant, and even face washes that are more or less sand in a tube, but to no avail. I imagine that if I didn't wear so much makeup on my face, I probably wouldn't have blackheads, but if I think about that for too long, but my brain will melt and leak out of my ears.

8.) My eyebrows, when I am in full make-up, look as though they have been tweezed and shaped by God Almighty Himself. Without cosmetic assistance, I don't really have eyebrows. In some kind of nod to vintage Japanese fashion, they only grow up to a certain point (almost to where the arch should be), and then I'm pretty much bald. A number of my female cousins share the same eyebrows. I suspect inbreeding is behind some of these facial and hair abnormalities. 

I sat down at the computer with the intention of typing out more of one of the books I recently finished. That was over an hour ago. Now it's time to leave for dindin with Mum. 
Oh, bother. 

I'll never understand why writers are such procrastinators. 'Tis a conundrum. 

20 comments:

  1. I know that there's an amazing makeup machine you can drool over, called Dinair. It's the same thing they use on people in Hollywood who are on shows that air in HD. They can cover up ANYTHING- it's like $400 but it can do magic.
    You should check it out!

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  2. I know what you mean about the procrastination. There are too many things to do, too much to learn, & too much to think about. And not enough time.

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  3. If you want all of your hair to be curly, you should try getting a weak perm. So it's just soft curls. That is if you have the money though, perms could be expensive. Or a keratin straightener if you want it straight.

    If you think your teeth aren't white like you said in your picture, mix a cap full of peroxide and a cap full of water together and swish it around your mouth for a few minutes everyday. It works sooo good!

    And if you think you have a double chin or a weak chin, you actually could fix that with makeup. Look up 'contouring and highlighting' on the internet and you'll probably find something. People demonstrated it in my cosmetology class and it really made a difference!


    I'm sure your beautiful just the way you are though.

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  4. c i rarely ever wear makeup im weird i know
    and i findi t wrid that the girls that he gymt oo like their hair all down and perfect its like y come to the gym if ur not gonna really workout
    and ur gorg btw

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  5. Listen. You are not wrong. Make does fix your hair. AND your outfit, too sometimes.

    There are days when I do my hair and put clothes on and both my hair and my clothes look like shit UNTIL I put my damn face on.

    It's science. I promise.

    Wouldn't it be nice if we could live for a month in a special greenhouse steam room spa type place secluded from all other human contact until our skin cleared up enough that concealer was no longer necessary? *sigh* fantasies.

    Also, is Hot Guy the guy with the tattoos? Whom I tried to coerce you into creeping up on and taking stealth cam phone pix of? Bwaha! I still want those, btw.

    You need to get your korean gym girl look happening. *nods* very cute, even whilst sweating.

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  6. I think I saw that shirt somewhere in the last couple months. It seems familiar, lol. Procrastination is a great thing (sometimes). When I was in school & had homework, I always did it at the last minute, right before it was due. This meant a lot of late nights/super early mornings, but that works out alright with having insomnia issues anyways. I would avoid doing homework/studying by doing other stuff like housework, etc. Procrastinating schoolwork was a good way to get other things done, lol.

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  7. I'm the exact same way. Leaving the house without wearing makeup is an insane accomplishment for me. And even then, I'm still wearing the basics, haha.

    Also, I like your muffin/cupcake shirt.

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  8. haha, you're so funny. Makeup DOES make everything in the whole wide world better. and the picture a couple of posts back where you're modeling the new gloves, you look so luminous and white and pure and not makeup-ey and I know you prolly ARE wearing makeup but most people, more importantly, dumb guys probably can't tell. I wear makeup to the gym almost every day. I didn't for a while, but lately I have for some reason. Just makes me feel slimmer I guess. haha

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  9. fyi, that video is embarrassing. AND I know what the post title is from..... xo

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  10. You're totally right dear, make-up has these magical abilities that can make a girl look perfect and/or years younger! I don't care if I'm going to the grocery store, gas station, or gym- I never leave the house without concealer, poweder, chapstick, and a little something on my eyes. I never feel complete without it. No, I wouldn't wear it if I was one of those lucky folks with perfect skin, but I'm not. So for now, we shall keep the make-up industry alive!

    Same goes with my hair- which is also completely retarded. It's too short to really curl right now, so it's almost always straightened- except when I go to the gym where I'll pull it back. I don't have the curls, but I do have loads of baby hairs that line my face and literally stick straight up unless I flatten them with VO5!

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  11. Bitch please. I never wear makeup and I still have blackheads. I was, however blessed with amazing eyebrows. My Obata Host Grandma (Obaa-chan)actually GRABBED MY FACE and started STROKING them asking me if they were real or if they were drawn on. I just need to tweeze the outer edges to tidyness and voila! The hair is a mess, though. I've got bastard orange strands in all the poo-brown. WHO CAN'T MY HAIR DECIDE WHAT COLOUR IT WANTS TO BE?!?

    NEVER try to seduce at the gym, period. The gym is for talking shit and training. You don't sleep with workmates or flatmates, and you don't sleep with people from the gym! If it all goes south you'd be having awkward-as-hell workouts trying to avoid each other, or you'd avoid THE GYM for fear of teh awkwardz. Yikes!

    Spazzage is currently limited to extreme stress, anxiety and an aversion to checking my cellphone in case I get THAT TEXT. I'm just glad right now that I got to speak to him on Tuesday while he was still lucid enough to have a conversation :/

    Lol, the blanket has 2.3/8 strips done. The problem is getting the sodding wool! D: I should buy a lifestyle block and farm merino and alpaca and shoot possums to supply myself with wool. It would make an epic writers' retreat too. Wanna come?

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  12. My skin used to be horrible! I would wear make up everywhere(including the gym). Only a few peeps had seen me without make up too, my bff, and 2 boyfriens, and now my husband. As for blackheads, gone!

    Here is what worked for me:

    www.acne.org

    Also, my favorite makeup tutorials are here:

    www.makeupgeek.com

    Did not look so hot til I learned some major make your face look normal tips from this website. :)

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  13. This post sounds like things I'd say. I hate my face. I hate my black heads. Basically everything you said except my eyes don't get blood shot. But sometimes my nose gets red. My chin disgusts me. I try not to focus too much on these things because trust me I can go on.. But make up does fix a big part of it. BTW I love Marilyn too <33

    http://ana-envy.blogspot.com/

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  14. I love her! And that shirt is not ridiculous. That part made me laugh.
    I used to wear a shit ton of makeup, but lately I"ve stopped. Lately I've just been using facial scrubs and anti acne stuff. It works. And also, I bet you're beautiful with or without makeup. (:

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  15. My god, I thought I was the only one who documented each and every flaw! My list goes on for ever! I'm yet to find one thing on me that isn't flawed/scarred/unattractive/blotchy/lopsided/oversized/too small/hideous, etc.! *panics* I need a drink!

    Bet the dude at the gym thinks you're hot! You could be Marylin's tiny, Irish sister! Or granddaughter, were she still alive!

    I've never thought of you as blotchy, only blushed! You're too cute to be blotchy! Love you. <3. XXX.

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  16. Marilyn is so beautiful :]

    Go for the guy at the gym. I'm sure he thinks you're a babe (becuase you are) and he's worrying about the same things you are about picking up on you!

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  17. MY WIFE says that Marilyn would be considered fat today, by some. That's tragic. She was a woman, with a woman's most excellent curves. I think guys who like skinny bot-type women are really closet homosexuals who want to make it with boys but don't have the guts to admit it :-)

    As for you, your photos are nice. Quit being so hard on yourself!

    (I know it's for humor, but still. You're lovely.)

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  18. I love how you can humorously elaborate something into a long and complicated dissection type thing.

    I don't understand blackheads at all. What is their purpose?? And why are they only on the face? If they are the result of dirt, then why do I never get them on my hands, eh? Thus, I can only conclude that their only purpose is to piss people off.

    Eyebrows: I don't have a monobrow or anything, yet my actual eyebrow hairs are quite long. I'm waiting for the day when I'm old and they turn into Unruly Old Man Eyebrow hairs; you know, the ones that curl and beckon passers by. I'll probably grow hairs on my chin at this point too.

    I always seem to get a red nose after eating hot food. Is this a metabolic thing?? Is my nose the home of my metabolism??

    Also, I think anyone whose craft/profession essentially stems from spending a lot of time with their own mind is doomed to procrastination. It's possibly a survival mechanism. Even so, please don't stop procrastinating. It amuses me, and allows me to procrastinate. It's a Procrastination Food Chain : if one stops, then we're all buggered.

    ps. I want an ugly cupcake.
    xx

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  19. I have the red nose problem too. And I am very very pale. My eyes don't get bloodshot but they sometimes get red-rimmed. Like the place where eyeliner goes sometimes gets a bit red especially when I'm sick or tired (or both).
    I've got a very little irish, mostly scottish. My brother got the red hair. We both have the vampire pale skin tho. And the red noses! I dye my ash brown hair red.
    Love the tshirt.
    I also think I look much better in makeup. I don't think the makeup caused my blackheads. My oily skin did that. But I look like a drunk clown without concealer on my nose!

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  20. I love love LOve LOVE Marilyn *sigh*. Especially in "How to marry a millionaire". So classy.

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We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.