Monday, August 29, 2011

feckin hell


So I went for nearly two full weeks without bingeing. TWO WEEKS. 

And I gained 3 pounds. (I was 102 pounds as of last Thursday morning.)

Then beginning last Thursday, I started eating way too much. It escalated to last night (Sunday), in which I ate way too much Chinese food, felt sickish, and then b/p'ed a Baskin Robbins milk shake (and whatever Chinese food was left in my tum by then). The weekend ended in the same exact pattern most of my weekends have ended for the past several years--after eating way too much, I mentally declare that I SHAN'T EAT AGAIN FOR THREE DAYS; and then Monday begins a starve-a-thon wherein I try not to consume more than 200 liquid calories per day. 

(I'm on 70 calories so far today.)

This can go on for up to five days. (I've never managed to drag it out longer than that.) The first day is usually torturous, because my body is like wtf, gimme some darn FOOD like you've been doing the last 3 days; but then by day three I am Happy again. I'm molesting my ribs, and I might be able to molest my hip bones, too, when I'm lying down. By Friday, when I'm brave enough to get back on the scale, my weight is back down to 98/99 pounds. The Safe Zone. 

In this way, I have maintained the same weight for like 2 years. There have been a few breaks in the pattern--like last autumn/winter I managed to get down to 96, and then over Christmas skyrocketed back up to 108 (I did the same thing the Christmas before). But for the most part, it's me not eating anything all week, stuffing my face on the weekend, and maintaining the same weight. 

This is retarded. 

But my metabolism is clearly so effed up that if I eat what I would consider Safe for a non post-binge week (~400-800 calories a day), I'm not going to lose weight. Apparently I'm going to gain weight if I manage to not binge and keep my intake in that range for 7+ days. During my attempts at recovery, when I was eating up to 1500 calories a day, I only ever maintained or gained. And I'm still over-exercising during all this. (That's a completely different beast than the eating disorder. We try to tackle one thing at a time.....)

So what can I conclude from all this? I have f**ked my body up beyond repair. And apparently, unless I stop eating altogether, I will never be as thin as I fantasize. The best I can hope for is maintaining my safe-weight range (98-100 lbs). 

Imagine for a moment that all you want in life is a flying pony that sparkles, that you can ride to work/school/whatever.

(Because seriously, who DOESN'T want a flying pony that sparkles?)

And you're told by GOD hisself that if you say your prayers every night, eat only foods that have been blessed by a priest, 
go for a daily meditative walk, and get 100% on your test, YOU WILL GET A FLYING PONY THAT SPARKLES. 

So you spend the next 100 years (you're immortal, for purposes of this hypothetical situation) saying your prayers, eating nothing but water and Communion bread, taking your daily meditative walk, and studying really effing hard for that test. And you get 100% on that test.

So you go approach God and say where's my flying pony that sparkles. And God is like oh...

Nope. Sorry. You don't get a pony. Because I don't feel like giving you one. 

Now keep in mind that God is all-powerful and all-knowing. If you get angry with God over this, or threaten God with your becoming an atheist, or anything of that sort, God will give you the Smiting of a lifetime. And send you to Hell. Forever. You have absolutely no choice whatsoever except to continue being a good Catholic. Even though you know God hates you. And you hate God. 

And guess what else? God's gotten kind of fond of you praying every night, eating only Communion bread, taking meditative walks, and studying long and hard. God doesn't really want you to stop. There are no more promises of flying sparkling ponies. You just have to keep working hard now because if you DON'T, God will Smite you. 

Suck on that. 

...Yeah I tried to come up with some kind of vague hypothetical scenario to which everyone can relate and I think I failed. But you get my point. 

We do all these awful things to ourselves--to our bodies and minds--and for what? A fecked metabolism and a whole lot of Crazy, so we can look like chemo patients when we're done. 

Starving doesn't even relieve the anxiety like it used to to. But at this point, the anxiety is WORSE if I don't starve, if I just go back to regular old restricting. 

It's a load of bollocks. 

BLAAAARRGGG!!! 

Oh well. I'm trying to catch up on all your blogs, but it's tough with no internet at home. Irene's epic-ness was apparently only epic enough to leave Bergen County without power/cable/phones/internet/or any combination of the above, and some flooding. Driving to work without working traffic lights and no policemen to guide the retards was so totally fun.

18 comments:

  1. I can understand the whole "starving doesn't even relieve the anxiety" thing. I'm sorry about your gain, but this post literally made me laugh out loud, and I am so grateful to you for that <3

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  2. Yes.

    Yes and yes.

    I love this, though, jesusfuckingchrist you are living off of the diet plan from hell.

    And your hypothetical scenario was perfectly relatable. As you said, who doesn't want a magical, sparkly, flying pony?

    Much love!!

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  3. I want a magical, sparkly, flying pony!!
    I can imagine the fun of driving with no traffic lights or police. I'm surprised non of you crazy drivers killed each other ;)
    xxx

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  4. I completely understand that metaphor, actually. And there was a phase in my life where I thought God was real but disliked a lot of his opinions/rules but kept following them because of hell. Funny how religion works, huh. :P

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  5. NO. PONY. EVER.

    I fucking love you Mich, augh. Whyyy are you so cool. No, but you know what's really insane? I'm so happy today, because even though I've eaten, I feel like my tummy is smaller because I *ahem, sorry* shatouttheworld today. Like, reminiscent of my laxi-days. We are fucked up, but it's okay because we take it out on blogger. #yayforpsychowriters.

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  6. Also I've convinced myself that if I drink a gallon of green tea whilst nibbling on naan, it balances out. cheers.

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  7. when I was in college I maintained 90 pounds by not eating (I only drank 250 calories daily max) during the week and pigging out over the weekend, and the not eating certainly didn't help suppress the demons anymore but without it i'd completely fall apart. it's funny cos after my (forced) stint at recovery, I ended up comfort bingeing, and it reached a point where the food wasn't comforting at all, but I binged anyway because if I didn't then I'd get far too anxious...
    anyway, I too want a sparkly pony! :) xx

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  8. I totally feel ya, dear. It's all a load of bull. I don't really want to do any of this anymore, but I feel like I have to. And as much as I hate it, the thought of not having it as an option scares the shit out of me. Like, even when I'm doing well, I think..."If things get really awful again, I can always starve myself." How ridiculous...!

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  9. Okay...
    A. You're hilarious and I adore you.
    B. Scenario is completely understandable and just what I needed today.
    C. Just throwing this out there-- Chinese food always makes me blow up like a fish (I think General Tso's Chicken has, like, your WEEKLY amount of sodium or something crazy) soooo....maybe it's water???

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  10. Poor cartoon Mich... if I were an infinitely powerful deity I'd totally give that chick a sparkle pony. Look what you've done, God. Shame on you!

    p.s. ... is it me, or is cartoon Mich thinner in her thought balloon? Maybe I'm reading too much into that. Or maybe it's quite clever...

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  11. I always knew god was a dick like that! Just give me my fucking sparkly pony, bitch!

    Hope everything's back to normal after Irene threw her toys out the cot at y'all!

    Love you :)

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  12. Great work on the non-bingeing. Even though your metabolism was a bitch, I'm proud of you! And steer clear of Irene. Take care Mich!

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  13. I like the priest. A lot.

    I guess it comes down to figuring out if the sparkly pony was ever really worth it. After you got it, would you have actually wanted it? What if the sparkly pony turned out to be a nightmare, rearing, trampling and biting any/everyone who attempted to ride it?

    The desire to have something and the reality of what the object itself is, and what virtue it really possesses are often worlds apart.

    Wanting something very badly doesn't actually increase its inherent worth. And at 100lbs, I'm pretty sure the wish to be any thinner than you are is a not-so-thinly veiled death wish, no?

    Let go of the pony. You can fly and sparkle on your own anyway.
    <3

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  14. Mich you're really hilarious and lovely. :D though the metabolism and eating thing is really bad you still manage to draw funny cartoons for your readers and make everything a bit easier. Thanks for that(:
    And I totally got the story, I guess it's easy to understand if you know what it is about.


    btw, did I miss something or havent you talked about your new crush recently?(:

    xoxo<3

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  15. Sodding hell, I know the feeling. To me it's like browsing ravelry and finding the PRETTIEST FUCKING CUFFS EVER and then finding out you can't make them because you -don't have the right yarn -don't have the right needles -it's sodding CROCHET and not lacework like you thought. . . Or the WORST:
    You have exactly the right kind of yarn, but are xxfeet short on the yardage, and it's a one-off/discontinued yarn *melts into puddle of tears*

    Bloody hell, I wish there was a way to get rid of the anxiety so you could at least restrict and not starve entirely! I hate the lucky bitches who go hypermetabolic when they start to recover and HAVE to eat THOUSANDS of calories/day or they'll lose shitloads by accident. I'm facing the midlife slowdown soon. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

    I told Miles about your dream of having a graphic movie death. He is still filming Clowns VS Zombies, and it looks like it may take a while. If you're keen, he can work you into a project. . .

    Back to the 'study' (Sailor Moon and knitting socks)

    LOVE YOU! <3

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  16. dman ur tsill out of powermy town didnt lost it only part of thetown but it wasup thenext day im sorry hun my town was planning on losing power cause we alwasy do but it didnt happen there are still downed trees all over the place though

    im sorry bout the binging and shit trust me i knowwhat u mean

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  17. i love the god analogy :) i totally know what you mean.

    but you know, i reckon you are already riding that beautiful, sparkly pony! you just dont realise you are on it ;D

    loads of love x x x

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  18. AGH!! I just found your blog and I'm in LOVE. You are getting me through a really tough night Missy and I look forward to continued reading :) Thank you so much.

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