Thursday, October 16, 2014

the one about the boobs

Everyone loves big boobs. What's not to love?

LOTS AND LOTS OF THINGS.

When I put on weight, it goes straight to my chest and hips. I'm not complaining mind you; there are worse places the weight could go. But it can still be a pain in the arse.

Navigating stairs first thing in the morning requires both hands on your chest. You will not know true pain until you run down the stairs and forget to hold on to your boobs.

My underwear supply contains three different bra sizes, because the slightest fluctuation in weight can send me from a C to a D. Even then, the bras rarely fit right. The cups might be larger, but in reality the bra is simply not designed to hold that much boob. Thus you end up with what my friends and I call the "two not four" problem, where the top of your bra cuts your boobs in half.



The fashion industry does not cater to large-breasted women, unless you really enjoy going around dressed like you work the red light district. Every top I own was carefully selected because finding a fitted shirt with enough room in the chest that my cleavage is not popping out of the shirt is nearly impossible. Most shirts that are not low-cut leave me feeling like I'm wearing a boa constrictor.



And button down shirts? Forget it. If you have big boobs, you can never wear those. That was lots of fun in Catholic school. Especially when I was 12 and the only girl in class with boobs.



Also whoever invented the cami with the built-in bra should be PUNCHED IN THE FACE.



They wouldn't bother me so much if there were more non-built-in-bra camis, but seriously no matter what store I go into, EVERY MOTHEREFFING CAMI HAS A BUILT IN BRA. Most of the time I end up just buying them and then cutting the bra out when I get home.

Another trend that REALLY REALLY NEEDS TO STOP is the dress worn by every single effing bridesmaid ever since the late 1990's. I don't care what anyone says, I've seen at least 50 different weddings on facebook alone and in all of them, the bridesmaids are all wearing the exact same dress. The only thing that changes from wedding to wedding is the colour.

First of all, these shapeless strapless bridesmaids dresses are awful in general.

Secondly, I cannot think of a meaner, crueler thing to do than to ask your big-tittied best friend to wear a STRAPLESS dress in your wedding.

None of those "strapless bras" or those weird squishy stick-on bras actually work if you have big boobs. None of them. Ever. Large-breasted women simply cannot comfortably wear strapless dresses, unless you are strapped into that thing with an 18th century whale bone corset.



You know what's really awkward? People who like giving really tight hugs. I usually go into hugs in a sort of forward arch that probably makes me look like a vulture.


But you can't maintain that position with someone who drags you into a really tight hug. Then comes that awkward moment when your boobs are pressed against someone who is not your significant other.

 .  .  .

On the positive side, you'd be amazed how many things I can conceal in my bra.



That really comes in handy at concerts.

13 comments:

  1. I jammed my cell phone in my bra just this morning.

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  2. Alas, my usual level of sympathy for my ample-bosomed sisters is diminished of late by the icky deflated look my own fun-sized bits have adopted. I've never felt like being eligible for chairman of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee was a problem, but having them small AND tired is doing a number on me. They keep slipping out UNDER my bras. If you and Peri each donate some mammary tissue, perhaps we'll average out to three comfortably endowed women... That reminds me of some fitting guides and shopping links for bras I've found on Tumblr. I'll try to dig up some links for you.

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  3. Well as a guy I can't really comment on what it's like to have boobs. I mean, I have mantits because of my weight but I don't think I've ever gone above an a-cup. I don't really know anyone with huge boobs. There seems to be a lot of problems associated with them. Bras just seem iffy at any size. I don't know any girl that wears them comfortably and has them cover everything.

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  4. THIS THIS THIS
    ALL OF MY FRUSTRATIONS
    THIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

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  5. i'm on another break Mich m'dear but i feel good enough to start posting comments. xxx
    all my weight literally just goes to my hips. not boobs. my boobs are 33", i.e. around a 34B. it was confirmed by a lady in Thailand that put her hands around my boobs. yes. then there are people telling me that my tits do not "look like" 34B's and that they look bigger. psssssst.
    okay. i have to admit - i share none of your frustrations. i used to. man did i used to (i was around 70lbs heavier - thus, i had 38C boobs at some point and man, those were just a hassle to dress). thank fuck i'm not there anymore.
    alas, *hugs Mich* hang in there bby.
    oh no no - that's right. small to moderately sized breasts - strapless crap just works. i don't wear strapless stuff but in instances, where i tried some stuff on, it was fine. i just felt like my shoulders were naked.
    oh whoa. xD plot twist: 1 thing i like about my boobs.

    -Sam
    PS. i like boobs.

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  6. YES! Every word of this post is just, yes.
    My bras could rarely hold all that boob. At my set weight I wore an F cup. Nipples poking out is a problem, but it really really sucks when you have them pierced. Mine are vertical so it's not uncommon for bras to get caught underneath the bar if I have a nip slip.
    Camis. I live in them. WHY have I never thought of cutting out those stupid elastic bras?!
    The last picture nearly made me spit out my coffee. Lighters, phones, pocket knives, spare change...

    xx

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  7. My boobs are the #1 and #2 reason I do not run. There's no bra in existence that can stop the bounce. I've heard some equestrian tack peoples came up with a non-bounce bra for horseback riding, but I can't imagine a bra that covers collarbone to belly button for daily use.

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  8. oh my gosh this is the best!!! the one where you gotta hold them while going down stairs, yessss. i love it. well, i don't love it, but i have to embrace and accept it i suppose. i found a boutique that caters to big boobied woman and it is equivalent to heaven to have a bra that fits and feels good and is not even a little bit uncomfortable (of course this costs more money but, i am telling you totally worth it).

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  9. I think I and my 36B's will just slink over to a corner and pretend to be invisible.
    However, I laughed my ass off.....but that's another story.

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  10. For my partner in crime's recent wedding, my wife had to get a fancy dress. And mind you, her boobs are by no mean huge, but every single dress she tried on squished them into pancakes. It's like fashion designers don't expect women to have anything over an A-cup.

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  11. I feel this pain. When I'm heavier my boobs are easily DDs. But, I lost 50 lbs in 5 months very recently so now they are small Ds/large Cs, which is fine except for the fact that they now look deflated and I only feel comfortable wearing pushup bras so they don't appear so under my clothes. :/z
    *sigh* Such is super fast weight loss, I suppose.

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  12. hahaha oh man, yes I have heard of such problems with big boobs. However you did not mention anything about motorboarding.... or is it just me who thought of it?

    Ah nevermind.

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  13. I need to read this post when i am sad.... this makes me laugh. ofc then i wonder if i should laugh since i am tiny-tittied and sometimes annoyed by it.
    but your cartoons never fail to make me laugh. Ah i've missed this!

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