Men are weird.

 I’m still laughing my arse off over this.

So I live in an old farmhouse (original foundation dates back to the early 1700s, current house was finished in the 1820’s) that has been divided up into 5 apartments. All us neighbours get along very well. We have a big front porch on which I have set up an outdoor sofa on one side. I also put up a nice curtain to shade the sofa from the sun, as it is west facing and I like to sit and read outside in the evenings. I hadn’t accounted for wind, so after a recent windy day, I bought some tablecloth weights to keep the curtain from slapping me about the face while I’m trying to read.

(these weights, to be precise.)

Hereinafter I’ll use initials for the neighbours.

So the other night we had a bit of a windy thunderstorm, and one of the weights blew off, unbeknownst to me. The next day, 2 of my neighbours (both men, R and J) found it beside another neighbour’s (a woman, D)’s car. They speculated over what on earth it was for about 20 seconds before deciding OMG IT’S A NIPPLE CLAMP.

-__-


Now since they found it beside D’s car, they didn’t know what to do. They did not want to embarrass her, nor make her feel judged—neither of them felt inclined to judge someone else’s kink preferences. But they also didn’t know how to tactfully make sure it was returned to her, so J went to ask his wife (A) for advice.

After she nearly died laughing, A tried to explain to J what it was. He did not believe her. At first he felt certain that she was just trying to cover for D. So he went running upstairs to confer with R and get a second opinion from R’s girlfriend L. L also nearly died laughing.

Despite both A and L telling them that it was a tablecloth weight, and definitely not a nipple clamp, R and J still refused to believe it.

I was at work while all of this was happening.

Eventually all 4 agreed to disagree and went about their day. A couple hours later, the wind picks up again, and while R and J were outside working on one of the many muscle cars R hoards in the garage, they hear a weird banging noise coming from the porch. They thought an animal had gotten stuck in one of the rubbish bins, so they approached cautiously. And discovered that the other tablecloth weight, still attached to my curtain, had blown over the porch railing and was rattling against the railing and the house wall.

J picked it up to get a better look and realised it was identical to the “nipple clamp.”

I got home about an hour after that, to find my curtain tied to one of the porch railings, and the escaped weight left on my sofa. I didn’t think anything of it until I got outside with my book and L came bursting out of her apartment to tell me about the whole thing.

Like really? You see that and first thing you assume is a nipple clamp???

Y'all dudes are strange sometimes.