I hope all of you had a lovely Christmas. I'm still
recovering from the long weekend (emotionally and physically). I haven't had
such an eventful four days in..... ....
.......
...in so long it's embarrassing.
This is going to be long, so I shall do my best to make it
entertaining. The insanity did not stop for even a second.
Friday:
I had 2 apocalypse parties to attend, and in the weeks prior
I was himming and hawing and bouncing back and forth in nonstop mental debate
over which party I wanted to just stop at for a half hour, and which one would
take up the rest of my night.
So for a while I kind of like(d{?}) this Boy, and he was
throwing one of the parties. But it's been MONTHS and he hasn't even made the
hint of a first move (though he seems interested) and I am a very fickle woman and--if you're a gentleman
caller--once I get bored, you are fecked. So a month ago I would have planned
the entire night around The Boy's party, but I ended up deciding to stop there on
the way to the other party. I had planned on staying an hour, BUT found out
that this kid I knew in high school was coming and he's an
even bigger douchebag than he was ten years ago, so I was like EFF THAT, I'll
catch y'all later, and left after 40 minutes.
Then I drove an hour down into the bowels of south-central
Jersey for party number two, which was being held in a suite in a hotel
(nothing fancy, I assure you). I don't hang out with Crazy L. as much as I
would like, and hadn't seen a number of the others in that group in a while, so
once I had enough xanax in my system to feel something other than terror at
hanging out in groups of other humans, I was kind of excited about it.
Crazy L. insisted we all come prepped for the armageddon
(because according to the invitations she sent out, we had each been
specifically chosen based on our survival skills). I showed up in my old
leather trenchcoat, for old time's sake (Crazy L. and I became friends in the
Catholic high school, where I was so goth my wardrobe frequently got me
suspended), and with my fake fur scarf-hood I'm pretty sure I looked like one
of the Starks.
 |
| stolen from: http://kinematografie.tumblr.com/post/38290454317 |
I brought my favourite weapons as well (bowie knife and
short sword), and was named one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (I'm
War, obviously.... I'm still waiting for Crazy L. to post those photos...). We
played a rather smut-oriented Truth or Dare card game, which we then stopped because it
probably would have turned ugly. I drank like a half gallon of apple pie and somehow managed to NOT be drunk at the end of the night. And then, for
reasons unknown, we all watched zombie porn, which should not exist. Ever.
Saturday:
I woke up at 6AM on the couch and could not go back to
sleep, and since both bathrooms were behind [locked] bedroom doors, I shambled
down to the hotel cafe to use the loo there (and got a number of alarmed stares,
because I imagine I looked like a homeless person). Then I putzed around the
hotel suite for as long as I could stand before starting to get over-bored (at
like 9AM), at which point I started "cleaning", and made enough noise
to wake everyone else up so I could shower.
I wore my new t-shirt:
 |
| Terre Haute Couture.... |
I went on an expedition for QuickChek coffee. (I'm an
addict.)
Then we went to see The Hobbit, which was a good movie, but
also very disappointing because that book really didn't need to be stretched
out into three films.
...I also met a boy I kind of liked (we had met before, but
only briefly). He's extremely dim, in an endearing sort of way (I'm a total
sucker for the stupid ones). I ended up staying at Crazy L.'s hotel suite until
like 11.00 that night (they had rented it for two nights) and totally bailed on
Paul#2's annual heavy-metal themed Christmas party (because after last
year I kind of never want to go that party again). I lied and told Paul#2 I had
gotten a ride down to the hotel from someone else and they were too hungover to
drive back home. Go me. I then promised him I
would call him the following afternoon.
Sunday:
Mum, Lil Sis, and I were to be going to a small gathering of
family friends on Sunday night, and there was much drama surrounding those who
would be there. I figured I should get out for a while before we went to that
party.
My bff D. is home from Colorado, so we decided to go hiking.
There's a spot in Bear Mountain I've been exploring, so I looked up the trails
that are up there, chose one of the loops that explores the abandoned mines,
and off we went.
Let's talk about how totally awesome the Parks Department is
at organizing their trail markers.
According to the directions I got off the NY/NJ Trail
Conference, we were to follow the Long Path (aqua trail blazes) until it joins
the Dunning Trail (yellow blazes), then veer right to stay on the aqua trail
until it meets a trail marked with red and white blazes. Specifically,
white-with-little-red-triangle blazes.
Like this:
After just over an hour of hiking, we got to the spot where
the aqua met the red-and-white. That high up, Bear Mountain & Harriman
State Park were pretty well hammered by Superstorm Sauron, and there're
huge trees down all over the feckin place. D and I had to do a fair bit of
climbing over them to find the red-and-white trail, where we were supposed to
go. We circled and climbed and doubled back and climbed and circled some more
until finally we found the red-and-white trail, and began following it, hoping
to see some ruins and whatnot before the red-and-white trail returned us to the
parking lot.
A little ways down the trail, D. pointed out that these
blazes had red circles on white,
rather than red triangles on white.
But we had searched the spot where the aqua trail met the
red-and-white. We hadn't seen any other trails. And what kind of TOTAL MORON
would put two different trails with the exact same colours and general design
on their blazes right next to each other? That would be SILLY, right??!!?
Guess what.
They were two different trails.
After what seemed like far too long on the
white-and-red-circle trail (the directions I had said we should have been back
at the beginning within 2 and a half hours from the start of the hike, which
means *I* should have completed that hike in less than 2 hours), I said I had a
bad feeling about this trail with the ominous red circle instead of triangle.
This bad feeling quadrupled when all of a sudden the red circles on the blazes
vanished, and we were left with plain white trail blazes. And a big rock marked
with a white blaze and a big "AT."
Know what that stands for?
Appalachian Trail.
Just to be clear:
So instead of getting on the short red-and-white trail that
led back to the car, we got on the red-and-white-that-should-be-just-white
trail that eventually leads to Maine.
I love Maine, but I don't really fancy walking there from
New York in the dead of winter.
I discovered something about myself on Sunday afternoon. I
discovered that I can run three miles through forested mountains in order to
get out of said forest while the sun is still up. And I can do this without
food or water, because I felt really guilty that D. also had to run several miles through the forest, so I gave her my food and
water.
Fair play to her though, she kept up with me nearly the
whole way back to the car and I have promised her an expensive dinner to make up for it.
We got back to the car about ten minutes before it got dark
out (like a couple minutes before 5.00 PM). Once we left Bear Mountain and
returned to the land of cell phone service, I discovered I had 13 new text
messages:
Mum (3.48 PM): "Where are you?"
Paul#2 (3.56 PM): "So you're ignoring me now?"
Mum (4.02 PM): "We're leaving at 5."
Lil Sis (4.07 PM): "Mich?"
Lil Sis (4.10 PM): "ANSWER YOUR PHONE"
Mum (4.18 PM): "Why aren't you answering your phone?
Are you ok???"
[I presume would have had several missed phone calls, but
since there's no service down in yon forest, those calls would have gone
straight to voicemail.]
Lil Sis (4.29 PM): "dude where are you mom's flipping
out"
Mum (4.35 PM): "I'm calling the police."
Lil Sis (4.38 PM): "seriously answer your phone she's
actually calling the police"
Paul #2 (4.39 PM): " >:( "
M. (4.40 PM): "OMG where are you what's going on your
mom called me to see if you're with me and then [LilSis] called and they're
flipping out are you dead?!?!?!"
Lil Sis (4.44 PM): "now mom's getting mad she thinks
you're doing this on purpose"
Paul #2 (4.47 PM): "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE"
Mum (4.48 PM): "I guess that means you're bailing on
[friend's] party. Nice of you to let me know."
Three Motrin, 1 mg of alprazolam, and 20 minutes later, I
had Mum, Lil Sis, and M all calmed down (though Mum and Lil Sis were still
angry that I was making them late to a party they didn't even want to go to in
the first place). I called Paul #2 from the car and we ended up talking the
whole ride to Friend's house (like 30 mins) and I told him how much this year
has sucked (we hadn't spoken much since May), and towards the end of the convo
I mentioned The Boy that I had been liking for some time.
(If you don't know who Paul #2 is, you can get up to speed by
reading
here,
here,
and here. The shorter version: basically the two
of us were set up on a blind date several years ago and discovered we don't
really like each other, but for some inexplicable reason are still drawn to one
another's company, and occasionally touch each other because we both enjoy that
sort of thing with no strings attached. As in no jealousy or anything remotely
close to jealousy when one of us touches someone else.
Paul #2 is now jealous. He's never been jealous before.
I can't deal with this sort of thing, so I'm doing what I do
best and pretending it doesn't exist.
Which is why I ended up drinking a full bottle of pinot
grigio and half a bottle of Veuve Clicquot at the party, all on an empty
stomach because absolutely everything our friends served had cheese in it. I
think at one point I may have accidentally kicked one of the wienie dogs (the ones I babysit when our friends go away). Then I did what any responsible
sh*tfaced adult would do and spent most of the party talking to the children.
I took one of the children home for a sleepover (she's 14;
last time I saw her she was 5 and screaming her head off because she didn't
want me to leave). We stayed up until 2 AM watching movies on Netflix. I'm not
sure if it's a good thing or bad thing that she chose that over hanging out
with Lil Sis and her college friends, who were going to another party.
Monday - Christmas Eve:
I had the day off work and planned to spend it baking. Then
at around noon, our house received two phone calls that nearly tipped me over
the edge.
First: M. called to ask if he and his Mom were still invited
to Christmas dinner.
We had invited them months ago, but M. had said they'd
rather have a quiet Christmas on their own (both of them are going through some
serious issues that make my issues look like a pleasant massage). But I guess
they changed their minds at the last minute. I was totally fine with this, as
we had plenty of food to give them dinner.
But I had no presents for them.
Second: Big Sis #2 called to say she was NOT coming over
early on Christmas day as she had planned, but was instead going to our
father's.
This is still raising my blood pressure every time I think
about it. I think it may actually have raised my blood pressure permanently to
a steadily normal level instead of its usual dangerous low.
Y'all remember Thanksgiving? When Big Sis#2 was
UNinvited to dinner?? She swore then that she would not under any circumstances
be visiting with our father for Christmas (which I think she was right because
Dad and Step-Mom treated her like garbage that day). And Big Sis#2 said she
would come to spend the whole of Christmas with Mum, Lil Sis, and me--something
we have been trying to get her to do for years.
So at the last possible moment, AFTER we had already picked
up the 18 lb turkey from the farm, Big Sis#2 ditches us for Dad.
Even if I hadn't had to pause in my baking to get M and his
mother gifts, I would have had to stop. I left the mince for the mince pies to cook in the crock pot, said FECK IT to all the other things I had
planned to make, took some more xanax,
and went shopping.
On Christmas Eve.
While I was doing this, Mum was pacing up and down the house
trying to decide how exactly to tell Big Sis# to go feck herself and not come
over for Christmas at all. Lil Sis had already fled the scene with the child we
had brought home from the party, and they went shopping as well. (They went to
the GSP; even I'm not that crazy.)
My shopping was a success, but then when I got home I
realized oh feck, if Big Sis#2 isn't coming to Christmas, we're not going to
have the other desserts.
I had only made the mince pies.
And thus the greatest dessert of all time was birthed from
Mich's brain:
Two-Ingredient-Trifle.
You will need:
- one package Oreos (I used reduced fat)
- one 16 oz tub Cool Whip (also reduced fat)
To make it, I threw all the Oreos into the food processor
until they were naught but crumbs. Then, in a decent-sized bowl, I layered a
small layer of Cool Whip, then a layer of Oreo, then a layer of Cool Whip, etc.
etc. until both the Oreos and Cool Whip were gone.
I forgot to take a photo of it after, but here I angled the
leftovers so you can kind of see what it looked like:
 |
| with some cinnamon and ginger sprinkled on top |
Later that afternoon, M. called and said he had to work
until about 4.00 on Christmas Day, and was it ok if he and his Mom came over
after that. We decided to change Christmas dinner from 2.00 to 4.30 (for M and his Mom, NOT for BigSis#2), and then we called Big Sis#2 and told her and she
decided to come for dinner after all.
Mum and I treated ourselves to dinner at Xaviar's that night. We felt we deserved it.
The venison was DELICIOUS.
Tuesday - Christmas Day:
Santa was very good to Mich this year:
Mum and I were sauced by noon. Mum spent the entire day
playing with the new ipad we got her. I cooked everything but the stuffing (a
pork & apricot stuffing, Mum's specialty). Between me, Big Sis#2, and our Jewish friends who always come for Christmas, we had nine desserts. I
had a glorious time soaking the Christmas pudding in brandy and then setting it
on fire in the middle of the dining room.
And of all the desserts--mince pies, Christmas pudding,
fruit cake, Big Sis#2's mince bars, a chocolate cake, an apple pie,
cranberry-pistachio biscotti, various cookies, and the 2-ingredient
trifle--guess which one was destroyed the fastest?
In under 5 minutes. And everyone kept coming back for more.
Even Mum, who doesn't even like desserts that much.
Then after dessert we played with M's Christmas present to
us, which was by far our favourite thing ever: a roku.
We watched Mrs. Brown's Boys. Mum, M., and myself went
through 4 bottles of wine, 3 bottles of champagne, and the rest of the apple
pie.
And that is all I remember.
What about the rest of you? Regale me with tales of your
holiday shenanigans!
