Conversations from Warwick Assembly of God Youth Group:

Lil Bro#1[he has taken over youth group for the summer]: ::some basic advice on peer pressure:: "Yeah so basically don't feel like you need to do something you shouldn't do just because other people are doing it. Like just because the cool rebel kids like my sister seem really awesome, that doesn't mean you should go around setting fire to things."

Kid: "What?" ::to me:: "You set fire to stuff?!?"

Mich: "We set fire to everything. We were very bad."

All the Kids: "THAT'S SO COOL."

Lil Bro#1: -___________-



Things are not much improved in general, but this week I have been too exhausted to care. VBS (Jesus freak bible camp) started on Sunday evening, so every day after work I've spent several hours attempting to control 6 extremely hyperactive 8-10 year old boys. 

Four of them, actually sitting down quietly for nearly a full minute. I do not know where they got the Piglet hat.

On Tuesday, they rioted over bubbles. I was very proud. 

you’re gonna drive yourself crazy, and you know that it’s true; it’s just making you wild and blue

[Trigger warning for this post, as I'm waffling about depression and ED stuffs.]

Since moving back in with my mother nearly a year ago after the whole debacle with my hobbit hole, my mental state has gradually slipped from general depression to critical depression. I try not to blather on about it too much here because hey it's depressing, but at the same time I don't really have that many people with whom to talk about it.

My brain has but one coping mechanism for severe depression--ED relapse. And I've set things up nicely so that said relapse can go mostly unnoticed. Friends and family know I don't eat many carbs, so it's been easy cutting them down further. I have cream in my coffee in the morning, half a slice of Ezekiel bread with the Lexapro (because otherwise I feel really sick for the rest of the day), and usually chicken or steak for dinner, and half a bottle of beer. No more side of sauteed veggies. No more juice before bed. No more snacks during the day.

Still no weighing or measuring--I have no idea how much I weigh or what I look like. When I need to look in the mirror to do my makeup or hair, I try to only look at my face, never at my body. Because obviously it's too fat.

I started having food/bingeing dreams again. I haven't had one of those in years.

I've been a week on the antidepressants and the dosage goes up tomorrow. There's been no noticeable change in my mood yet except now instead of sleeping until 4 or 5ish in the morning, I wake up every couple hours all night. But then again that could be attributed to not eating enough.

To be honest, I don't know how much the pills will help. They don't change the situation. I still can't afford to move out. The cost of living where I do is still $20,000 more per year than I make. I still can't afford to go back to school. I'm still stuck in a job that will never take me anywhere, and I'm not qualified to do anything else.

And then there's the other thing that is currently burning me up from the inside out. can'teatcan'tsleep.

....never mind, I can't talk about that even here. It's nothing that can be changed or helped anyway. Constant reminders of everything I will never have!

Big Sis#1 and my nieces and nephew arrive Saturday. I'm hoping their three weeks here will be a bit of a distraction from the icky place in my head. Unfortunately, their being here means I cannot spend weekends at dad's anymore (I can't take it here, so I flee from NJ on Fridays) as there will be no room.

>:( I feel like someone just needs to take me out back and shoot me

What this town needs is a sensitively worded obituary.

Let's talk about sexual harassment at work.

Last week in the office, we had depositions for one of our medical malpractice cases. One of Bossman's attorney friends came in for that, as he is friends with our client and is the one who referred the case to us. Let's call him ExtremelyUnpleasant.

I can't stand this dude. He is rude and obnoxious and he has absolutely no concept of personal space. Bosslady no longer allows ExtremelyUnpleasant in her home. That's how much normal people{everyone except Bossman} dislike him.

This one time a while back, ExtremelyUnpleasant was in our office helping Bossman out with another case--we represent a taxi company, and one of their drivers followed one of his fares into her home, knocked her unconscious, and raped her. ExtremelyUnpleasant opined that, because she invited him into her home when he asked to use her bathroom, then clearly SHE WAS ASKING FOR IT.

I actually had to leave work early that day. I was that angry.

Anyway, back to last week's depositions.

ExtremelyUnpleasant was thankfully behind a closed door for the majority of the SIX BLOODY HOURS he was in my office.

but then

when they took a break

and I was at my desk hard at work

ExtremelyUnpleasant comes up behind me

so I thought he wanted something off the computer, like maybe something related to the case

no

he made some fake attempt at small talk regarding the amount of paper we had to use for the medical records

and then he got so close to my chair that I ACTUALLY COULD NOT MOVE

and proceeded to blatantly and shamelessly lean over me and look down my shirt.

I have never come so close to stabbing someone in the eye with a letter opener.

And you know what I can do about this?

FECKALL.

Nothing.

Try to laugh about it with Bosslady and talk about how much we hate him and shrug it off. Try not to bask in the knowledge that you are nothing more than an object.

In other news, I am now officially regularly medicated.

Things in general kind of suck.