Stop the world, I really f****ng want to get off.

We went camping this past weekend--me, Dadum, Stepmom, and both Lil Bros--to Ithaca, NY, to visit some waterfalls, the Mecca of Birdwatching, and watch the Tottenham Hotspur v. Liverpool game live in a pub.

While we had a good time, it felt like one thing after another kept going wrong. On the way up, Dadum's truck's check engine light not only lit up, but started flashing. We made it to the campsite and the 'rents found a mechanic to look at the truck on short notice, so hopefully problem solved.

Then something went wrong with the trailer's electricity. Not a huge issue, since--thank heavens--it didn't get hot enough at night to necessitate air conditioning, and the lights inside worked on their own batteries. But still, Mom and Dad had recently spent a considerable amount of time and money fixing various issues with the camper. There should not have been any electrical issues.

It rained a bit, but thankfully not as much as all of our weather apps had predicted. We saw some pretty waterfalls. 

I was traumatized by this sign at an ice cream stand in the park.

but managed to find comfort by befriending this spider

Dadum and I found a pub to watch the Tottenham v. Liverpool game over a few beers while Mom and both Lil Bros wandered Ithaca. Within the first like thirty seconds of the game, one of the refs made THE MOST RETARDED CALL IN FOOTBALL HISTORY and gave Liverpool a penalty kick for literally no reason at all. 

We lost 2 - nil. But otherwise it was a good game and despite losing, Tottenham had possession of the ball for like 80% of the game. 

On the way back into the campground, we noticed the most fantastic mini golf statue in the history of the multiverse. 

It took every last ounce of our willpower not to steal it.

We celebrated Lil Bro#2's 25th birthday Saturday evening, and sat around drinking and eating and generally being merry, even with the on and off rain. The Bros and I sat around the campfire chatting and laughing after Mom and Dad retired into the camper.

My phone rang. It was Mike the Band leader. I hadn't heard from him and his wife in a while, so I answered. I should have figured that it would be bad news, considering the call came at nearly 10.00 at night, but we'd all had quite a few drinks by that point.

I still wonder if maybe I shouldn't have answered. I mean, I would have found out anyway, but part of me wishes I had ignored the phone call and continued having a laugh with my brothers until we eventually turned in for the night. 

One of my friends (Drummerboy, who some of y'all might remember from when I was sort of dating him) was shot and killed in a diner parking lot on Saturday morning. By his own son. 

No one knows why. The best guess is an argument over money. They hadn't had a good relationship in years, mainly because of the kid and his mother demanding more and more money from Drummerboy even though he didn't have the money to give them. 

My friend's own fecking child MURDERED HIS FATHER over money. 

Friday I have to go to a family friend's wedding (we've all known each other since before any of us kids were born and our parents all worked for the same company in the 1970s). I've been dreading this since we got the invite, because I hate weddings in general (at least the stupid cliche weddings that literally every single couple I know has had over the years). 

Drummerboy's funeral is Friday at 11.00 AM. I had already planned to leave work early for the stupid wedding, so now Bossman and Bosslady are giving me a hard time about taking a full day off. Mumsy and I had originally planned to stay in a hotel after the wedding with Lil Sis, because it's kind of far from home. I told Mumsy that I will probably be ditching the wedding as soon as is socially acceptable so I can drive home.

Apparently this is incredibly selfish of me. 

So on Friday I'll be attending the fecking wedding after attending my friend's funeral, and I know I'm going to get a ration of shit if I don't act all happy and sociable at said wedding. The only reason I will resist getting blackout drunk is that I already desperately want to go home.

I was trained in a hard school, and I fight accordingly.

I've started and stopped this post like five times now and I just end up losing the energy to finish it... It's going to be a long sort of cranky ramble so feel free to skip this one.

Drummerboy wants nothing more than friendship. I can understand that. He's got a lot to deal with and the next few months will bring more crap to deal with. For example, in July, his older son gets out of jail and will be moving in with him, and possibly so will his son's 2 small children. I cannot imagine Drummerboy is keen on the idea of potentially having to introduce his son to a girlfriend who is the same age as said son.

He did stress that he does not want to lose me as a friend, and doesn't want to hang out any less than we have been, but would understand if I decided to stop spending time with him.

I really DO enjoy spending time with him. Do I want more? I don't even really know. My emotions have been a jumbled mess over the last couple of years, and what with all the medications I currently take, half the time I don't even know what emotion it is that my brain is trying to communicate to me.

So I take another sedative until I can't hear it anymore.

In other news.......

Dreams are a huge pain in my ass.

I almost called my guitar teacher at 5.30 AM this morning because I had a dream that his house burned down and he died and I woke up in a blind panic.

I settled with texting him at around 9 to ask him something unrelated to dying in a fire, just to make sure he responded.

(He did; he's fine.)

But now I'm anxious about it. What if it's some kind of premonition? I've lost count of the number of times my prophetic dreams have come true, but it's kind of awkward telling someone to please be careful of fire and maybe check your house for potential fire hazards without sounding like a raving lunatic.

I also know the logical/psychological side to a lot dreams. Fire in one's dreams is often an indication that you feel your emotions have gone out of control.

Emotions as I have said before, are a huger pain in my ass.

Confession time?

[I have not told anyone about this at all ever, and I have tried to keep it bottled up, but I really need to get it out, even if it's just on the internet.]

For about the past year, I have had a GIANT crush on my guitar teacher. 

(I mentioned this very vaguely last summer; the situation has not improved.)

Not even a crush if I'm honest. Like more of an I'd-marry-you-immediately-and-have-like-ten-of-your-babies roller coaster of emotions.

Don't get me wrong, I really like(d?) Drummerboy, and I was praying that spending more time with him would help with this, but as yet I would drop everything and run off with my guitar teacher to any location of his choosing. Like for reals, I'd even stay living in Bergen County if he asked me to. However, he is F**KING MARRIED. Happily married. So I have held my silence and kept my emotions at bay for a [torturous] year.

It does not help that we spend 30+ minutes of my guitar lessons just waffling about Game of Thrones, the Walking Dead, cat stories, etc. It does not help that he makes me laugh a lot. It does not help that he is now one of the biggest fans of my books and in the last few weeks has somehow bullied like 20+ of his friends into buying them and liking the facebook page. He also beat everybody to getting a prize for reviewing Westley & the Witches.

I know the obvious solution. Get the hell out of this situation. Find a new guitar teacher. Try and forget.

The problem is he's a really fricking awesome teacher. I know he will never be more than that. And my hour+ spent there every week is like therapy.

I just don't know. I haven't been eating very much.

The zoloft gets upped next week, as does the xanax. Next stop, Bergen Pines and a haloperidol drip. ......that actually sounds like a glorious vacation. 

In the meantime, I shall continue binge-watching Vikings and playing Vikings Bingo.

I feel like I have a social life now sort of

Drummerboy is back :D :D :D

I did some serious anxiety shopping today, since he did not get back to me immediately when I called him after band practice. It all turned out well in the end, because right after I spent an enormous amount of money in Kohl's, he asked if I wanted to go out tonight.

So I'm wearing my fabulous new bra (he won't see that, but still it makes me look very shapely and I enjoy it), and new shirt and sweater.

Hope the rest of you are enjoying your weekend. <3

Quickly, summon forth some bitches from Accounting for a pansexual adventure THROUGH TIME!

Happy Valentines Day, kids. 

You know in all my 31 years, I have only ONCE had a valentine on Valentines Day (2003). I might have had one this year, but he's in the mf Caribbean. >:(

I'm not that bothered, to be honest. I've never been one for romancey stuff. But I made him a card anyway:

M. and I are going to the cinema to see the new Coen Brothers movie and then have dinner, so for me that is a Valentines Day well spent. 

You see, now I possess the one Darwinian advantage that humans have over other animals: the ability to BS my way through anything.

1. Ugh. 
I guess you know you really like someone when the prospect of 2 weeks without them (Drummerboy is on holiday in the Virgin Islands) seems bleak and horrible.

Dadum finally broke down and expressed concern with regard to the age difference. I imagine he is also concerned that his last unmarried daughter is going to go the same way as his other 2 daughters (i.e., marrying someone he absolutely does not want them to marry). 'Twas a short and awkward conversation. 



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2. The Glamorous Life of a Musician. 
As with many physical activities, playing a musical instrument eventually takes its toll on your body. 

The bass guitar and the upright bass, for example. Keeping your nails too long will inevitably lead to said nails breaking REALLY CLOSE TO THE NAIL BED T.T

Also, hitting the strings eventually builds calluses on your fingers. In winter, what with all the dry air from the heat running all day, said calluses tend to split and peel and flake off. 

you know what really friggin hurts?

I do not advise clicking on that to make it bigger.

Playing through 2 church services with half of the skin missing on the fingers you use to play. 

The problem is, I can't let the calluses build up because then I can't feel anything, which means I can't feel how hard I'm hitting the strings. So at some point, I'm going to have to scrape off the bits of my fingers that don't hurt yet. 

Currently both are wrapped in bacitracin and bandaids. 



3. More puzzles.
We finished this 1500 piece puzzle this weekend. 

We identified most of the fairy tales, but the little dude floating in the upper left corner, the dude arguing with the fish, and the 2 women vomiting snakes and flowers remain a mystery.  I've ordered another one by the same artist, this time with nursery rhymes. 


4. Art.
I have started a second tiny kingdom.

The dragon is not spotted; I have given him tiny scales. It will probably take me the rest of my life to colour them in. 

THIS WEEKEND - now with photo

I have several dates this weekend. Naturally, I'm already trying to figure out what to wear.

Ruby requested an actual photo, so here it is--a picture of me, after trying on everything I own, deciding to wear one of the same 5 outfits I always wear. 

 We're meeting at a little cafe in Warwick on Friday. It's open mic night and Mike the band leader is performing. It's not really a DATE date, because I think Lil Bro#1 and Stepmom are also going.... Then we'll be hanging out on Saturday, but we don't have solid plans yet as to what we're doing. Possibly also doing something on Sunday.

o.O

Mumsy is mad at me and not speaking to me because I didn't tell her I had a date last weekend. Never mind the fact that I didn't tell ANYONE I had a date and other people just found out by accident, and then Big Sis#2 blabbed to Mumsy on Sunday. I was somewhat shocked to discover that I actually do not care that Mumsy is mad at me. This has never happened before. Years of classical conditioning had previously left me terrified of Mumsy's anger and terrified of not living up to her expectations. Perhaps it's the Zoloft.

How My Dates Went

First and foremost, I have discovered this band:



Give them a listen. Seriously. 


Secondly--Sam Lupin and Tempest, you are just going to have to learn to live with each other because I have no intention of stopping at only two wives.



And now, as I am sure all 558 of you have been positively DYING to hear*, I shall tell you about my dates (yes, DATES) over the weekend. **

Mike the band leader told me to just go for it, so on Saturday after band practice, I asked Drummerboy out. 

A truly enormous amount of xanax was consumed that day. 

while I checked my text messages every 30 seconds

Mike, Drummerboy, and most of the other church band members were playing for open mic night at the Gather Inn, which is a local AA meeting house, so Drummerboy and I had dinner at the Goshen Diner before open mic night started.

Drummerboy is 21 years older than I am (52). He has 2 kids--a 19-year-old who refuses to speak to him (I did not ask why), and a 30-year-old who is currently in prison for drug-related issues. We talked about our similar [horrible] childhoods and our issues with mental health and various addictions. He has been a recovered addict for 20 years. I had to draw a chart on a napkin to explain my immediate family.

Aside from being the drummer for the church band and a couple other bands with Mike, he is an electrical contractor and basically works for himself. (He the first boy with whom I have gone on a date who is gainfully employed, has his own car, has his own home, and just generally has his sh*t together.)

After that we went to open mic night, which was a lot of fun. Lil Bro#2 ended up coming, and he and I and Mike's 6-year-old daughter sat at the fireplace and kept the fire going the whole night because no one else seemed to be assigned to do it.

............I may or may not be singing the above song at an open mic night there in the near future. At that time, we shall find out just how much xanax I can consume before I am rendered unconscious.

On Sunday after church, Drummerboy and I walked into town and had lunch. Then we went on a long and aimless drive and listened to music and talked about ...........I don't even remember. Lots of stuff. We hung out for a total of like 4 hours. 

^Took that along the Upper Delaware Scenic Byway.

So yeah I like him a lot. But I don't want to rush into a relationship (and I don't think he does either). I know myself well enough at this point that I know I need to be friends with someone before I can be anything else. So we'll see how it goes.

How 'bout the rest of you, did y'all have a good weekend?














* sarcasm

** can you you tell I haven't been on a date in like a million years

TONIGHT

I AM GOING ON A DATE.