book, birfday, blithering idiot

After several decades* of hard work, Book 4, The Drifting Tower is finally available on Amazon. Should be available on kindle within the next few days. 

Updated (and final) cover:

This is the last book in the series, so naturally I now have such an epic case of writers' block I doubt I will ever recover.

Despite Thursday's tummy trouble, I had a pretty good birthday weekend. Some nice dinners with the fam. I am also now officially [again] the smallest in the family, as Niecey G, who is 12, now stands at 5' 2" (a full inch taller than I am). 

M came to visit me at work on Friday, and brought me a birfday card from his mother. Inside was a joint. I had no intention of smoking it because me and smokey treats is generally a bad combination. 

However, we are all well aware at this point that Mich is a blithering fool who does not learn from past mistakes ever. For your entertainment, here is the conversation that took place on Friday night:

the cat-smiley-face emojies were unintentional

After having a cigarette outside in my American Indian handmade alpaca blanket cape, I forgot about being paranoid and M and I started complaining about a mutual friend in between some more hilarious inebriated texts. I won't post those because it's bad enough we were talking about her behind her back; I'm not going to make it worse by talking about her behind her back on the internet. 

So I learned my lesson and will not be doing that again.**

































*ok fine it wasn't really decades, but it felt like it

**I will most definitely be doing that again

one year closer to the grave

not close enough

When I asked you to build me a wall I was rather hoping that instead of just dumping the bricks in a pile you might have found time to cement them together... you know, one on top of another, in the traditional fashion.

I need one of those interlock things attached to my computer because

.......it's for Halloween.*

How such things went out of fashion I'll never know. Yes I realize they are somewhat complicated to assemble and a bit suffocating and bodily movement is very limited while wearing it, BUT IT'S SO PURRTY.

I dropped my upright bass on my foot this week.

Owning that instrument is fraught with dangers. Just moving it from one room to another poses significant risks to my physical health.

One time I had a dream that I could fly around on it, like a witch's broom.

#goals

My Day of Oldering** fast approaches, and already Mumsy and Lil Sis are stressing me out by trying to make a fuss.

I hate fuss. Every year is exactly the same--I insist I want no fuss, no party, nothing extravagant whatsoever, maybe just dinner out somewhere quiet and inexpensive and that's it.

So far, TWO dinners out are planned (one at an absurdly expensive steak house), and Mummers has been calling and texting non-stop demanding I send her a wish list for presents.

I don't want to seem ungrateful. Quite the opposite. I am very grateful that I'm getting two nice dinners and that I have a mother who wants to get me lots of presents. But I hate that she's spending so much money. I feel guilty.

So instead I tried to come up with a few things that I actually need, like these super sweet boots:

(I need another pair of boots to wear to work.)

and a used laptop with Windows (I need a computer with Windows*** to do freelancing transcription work to make some extra $$).

Mumsy responded to this with, "FINE I'll just give you money then!"

Righto.

Adventure to Weyerbacher should be [hopefully] happening this weekend. I am super excited.

*I shall use Halloween as an excuse to wear it out in public. I really just love period costumes and will probably keep buying more until the day I die.

**I stole that word from Tempest.

***I would never normally endorse the use of Microsoft Windows.

The Hand.

I have mentioned previously some of the ways in which I tortured Lil Sis growing up. In honor of Lil Sis's upcoming 21st birthday, I will tell y'all about my all time favourite.

Let me back up to 3 years before Lil Sis was even born.

I had an AWESOME Halloween party in 1991. Unfortunately, none of the adults present deemed it necessary to take any photos of it, so y'all will have to use your imaginations.

Mum and Lil Sis's dad constructed a haunted house in my basement--a tunnel filled with lights and fog and fake spiderwebs, that ended in the sauna (which was terrifying enough on its own[that basement will eventually have its own blog post; I'm working on it]), where Lil Sis's dad had set up an "axe murderer" using some of his own clothes, newspaper (to stuff the clothes/body), and this really creepy mask-and-gloves Halloween costume.

After the party, many of the decorations found their way into the toys and other random stuff in the basement. And somehow, years later, one of the gloves continued to survive Mum's frequent THROW EVERYTHING AWAY episodes.

Sometimes small children are completely terrified of random things for no reason. Niecey G used to be so afraid of my friend M. that she would either freeze like a deer in headlights, paralyzed with fear, or scream bloody murder whenever he entered the room. One of my little cousins used to FLIP THE EFF OUT if he spotted a cobweb in the house.

And Lil Sis had an intense fear of that glove.

Once I discovered Lil Sis's reaction to the glove, I just couldn't resist. Big Sis #2 thought this was hilarious as well, and pretty much everyone else who wasn't Lil Sis or Mum. 

Whenever Lil Sis did something bratty 

(which was like every few seconds, hence why we never felt guilty about this), 

we would hide the glove up our sleeves

and let Lil Sis fall into a false sense of security

and then at the right moment

we would slowly expose the hairy hand and wait for Lil Sis to see it.

The glove would be hidden as soon as Mum came running to see what was wrong with Lil Sis. And the poor child would be in such a state of abject terror, she could never articulate what had upset her.

and for a moment, all was right with the world

For Lil Sis's birthday next week, I have purchased her a hairy hand.

It's high tech fat! Good to 40 below.

I've overheard this particular sentiment like five times this week (usually from men) so I feel the need to complain about it: being bothered by women's bra straps showing.

I was unaware that this is offensive.

Why are you afraid of my bra strap? It's just a bra. Do you not like knowing that I have boobs? They're kind of hard to miss, which is why I need the bra.

It's been consistently 90 degrees F and above the last 2 months. NINETY F**KING DEGREES.

But apparently my bra straps are not allowed to be seen. So I guess I'll have to wear something that is not a tank top to cover them. So I can sweat to death and get even worse swamp boob than I already have.

Someone please tell me I'm not the only one that thinks that is totally frigging stupid.

I don't really have anything else to talk about. Guess I just figured I'd do one last post before I disappear for a while, lest anyone feel concerned about said disappearing....

In a recent cleanout of some stuffs in the garage, I found Zoot!

[don't ask]

He lives in the car now, along with Wimpy and Spooky.

Spooky has been my co-pilot since I first learned to drive.

 Yes, my friends, I am in fact an adult.

Such an adult that I shall be turning 31 this coming Monday. To celebrate our birthdays (C's was last week), she and I are heading to Kentucky next Tuesday, for a week of barn dances and overeating.

This weekend, Dad and Stepmom are taking the RV out for one last camping adventure before the nice weather goes away. I was not originally going to go with them, but then Lil Bro#1 called me and was like yeah they were kind of planning this to be a birthday thing so you should probably come with us. I must stock up on beer.

so don't cremate me when I'm gone, I won't be gone for long

Hey y'all. It's been a while.

So my trip to the doctor from the last post ended with me getting diagnosed with IBS (and there I was thinking that all my digestive issues were just normal) and put on a diet of mostly protein and veggies (because my body has decided it is incapable of digesting processed sugar, bread, rice, pasta, or anything similar), plus a probiotic supplement.

I imagine that the bulk of my tummy woes are the result of years of disordered eating and not IBS, but whatevs.

In other news....

I went to see the Handsome Family in NYC on August 30th, and had several panic attacks throughout the day beforehand because M. bailed at the last second and I am TERRIFIED of going into the city (any city) at night alone.

It turned out kind of awesome though, because I made friends with the people behind me on line outside the Mercury Lounge and gave away M.'s ticket to one of them, and also got to meet the band, and got some great photos.

Rennie Sparks is lovely and I'm pretty sure she's a faerie or something.

if you picked Rennie, you fail at life

Last Saturday I went to see Th' Legendary Shack Shakers in Asbury Park. I was a little disturbed by the intense amount of skankage going on in front of the stage. I like to pretty much sit on the stage and take pictures, but sadly I couldn't get as close as I normally would without getting drenched in STD's.

J.D. Wilkes made up for this by shooting snot rockets into the crowd of under-dressed over-drunk girls, and playing the song I had requested on the band's facebook page.

The first band, Whiskey Shivers was glorious. I have never before met someone who has a mullet and is also GORGEOUS.

Also the entire band went on stage with no shoes, and they all look like they just crawled out of a swamp. Their music is really good, I bought a CD and have had this song on repeat for like a week:

This weekend, I turn 30. Mumsy is throwing a party for all of her friends because I said I didn't want any fuss (parties = fuss). (She did this for my 16th birthday and my college graduation as well.) I'm more excited about going out for dinner Saturday to my fav restaurant.

I am preparing to gain an absurd amount of weight, as after my birthday weekend, Anorexic Auntie and Loud Auntie shall be arriving from Ireland. You remember them.

the four horsewomen of the apocalypse, from left to right: Loud Auntie, Mumsy, Anorexic Auntie, and Bipolar Auntie

We will most likely be eating out every night that they are here, so I should probably be going out right now to buy several more pairs of sweatpants for when none of my clothes fit me.

You know what's fecking amazing?

Quick Chek harvest spice coffee.

People incapable of guilt usually do have a good time.

Several years ago, it was customary in my group of friends to throw a surprise party whenever it was someone's birthday. (Something that always perplexed me, since everyone would then know for certain that their birthday would result in a surprise party, thus rendering said party not much of a surprise.)

My bff M's personality is such that when he gets it in his head to do something, or when he is annoyed about something, absolutely nothing can stop him from being as contrary as humanly possible.*

On his birthday this one year, for whatever reason, M felt like being extra contrary.

As I was his BFF, our friends decided it was my job to make sure he arrived at his sister's house at a certain time for his surprise party. M. and I hung out during the day, and then when evening came, I suggested we head over to his sister's place to meet up with a few other peeps and decide where to go for dinner.

M decided no, he did not like that plan, and instead he wanted to just go straight to Pizza Hut for dinner without anyone else. Since M was the one driving, I could do nothing but sit in the passenger seat and grow increasingly anxious about the fact that we would not be arriving at his sister's house when we were supposed to so everyone could surprise him for his birthday party.**

He knew that a surprise party awaited him. I tried. I really tried. I never said a word about it, but he knew. Five minutes after we were supposed to have been at his sister's house, she called him. He answered, and from what I gathered she told him he should come over so we could all go out to dinner together, but M. wasn't having any of it.

Then his sister's BFF called me and told me off for ruining everything, at which point I said you know there's really nothing I can do--M is driving.

We eventually met up with everyone else at his sister's house later on, although by then they were all less than enthusiastic about celebrating M.'s birthday. M. later admitted to me that he purposely did all of that to piss everyone off. For no reason other than he felt like it.

In other, sadder news, Rik Mayall has died. I'm very upset.

*Side story: I had a dream once that my friends and I went antique shop hopping out in the country somewhere, and all of a sudden the world turned apocalyptic. The apocalypse was headed straight for us (zombies, planes with bombs, etc.), and we all panicked and were like we need to run somewhere safe LIKE NOW. But M was admiring something in the antique shop, and could not be persuaded to leave. Like for reals, planes were bombing everything around us and we were all like WE NEED TO GET IN THE CAR AND FLOOR IT OUTTA HERE ASAP, but M would not abandon his shopping. This sums up his personality far better than any other description I could possibly give.

**In New Jersey, back when I was in high school, we took drivers' ed sophomore year and if you passed the written test at the end, you got your driving permit. I did not get my permit until several months after I turned 17 (my senior year) because I failed the written test twice. As a result, M was usually the one driving when we hung out. And as a result of his nature, I was late home 9 times out of 10 and would thus be grounded for the next month.

Yes, I smile and I agree it is a good night to shiver.

Time has gotten away from me again. I wish I had more time for Blogger. I feel like I know you all better than I know most of the people in real life, and I like most of you more. Thus I feel like a bad friend when I can't devote the time I want to your blogs. Shall try and catch up with all of you tomorrow and Friday...


I've spent the last week struggling with writer's block (a common occurrence after finishing writing a book and then trying to work on the next one), which led to digging through some older projects to try and get the creative gears turning again. 


I've written about 20 pages of a YA novel I started last year. I might make a page for it on here.... Idk yet. (I'm still hovering in the maybe-I-should-just-cast-it-into-the-fire phase.) Anyone interested in giving it a read? It's kind of dark and violent in parts, and it's taken a huge turn from its original direction. I'm not sure where the plot is headed yet. 


The rest of my time is spent watching the Walking Dead (again), and--speaking of the walking dead--dreading the return of Stepdad tomorrow. T.T He's been in a nursing home for like a month and has somehow recovered enough to darken our doorstep once more.


I know this probably makes me sound like a horrible person, but I wish he would just die already. There are good and decent people in this world with fewer bodily ailments than he has, and yet they seem to get snatched up without enough time to spend with their families and friends. People I've known have gotten diagnosed with cancer and died within one or two months--people who deserved more from life, a little more time. And yet Stepdad--a liar and an a-hole and the scum of the earth--defies all the laws of science and medicine and just keeps on living. 


Ugh. 


In other news...


Cousin N has fully recovered. We know this because, two days after returning to England, she demanded that Loud Auntie let her move back in to their house and then buy her a Range Rover, and then Cousin N had a fit and declared that she hates her mother because Loud Auntie refused to buy said Range Rover. Cousin N is like 35, and has never had a real job. Her personality worries Mum and me quite a bit, as Cousin N and Little Sis have almost the exact same demeanor, which leads Mum and me to believe that Mum will be stuck with Lil' Sis's spoiled-brat-ness forever. 


Funny how much of your personality is genetic. Like it gets weird and creepy sometimes. I get told constantly by Cousin F and Cousin Patrick that I'm exactly like their brother, Aa. We even have the same nervous ticks, and the same songs on the playlists in our ipods, despite the fact that we grew up in different countries, seeing each other only twice a year. We're also both equally old school badass--we both have a fondness for swords. And Cuz Aa took up karate around the same time I took up archery. 


Fun stuff time!!
My Cousin Aa/apparently lost lost twin is in this pic (click to enlarge I think...):

The first person who picks him out of the crowd gets a prize. A real prize, in the post.


Here's a fun photo of me for reference, because apparently we look sort of a little bit (I don't think so, but hey whatevs...) alike:

(Don't be distracted by hair colour, because mine isn't natural. If you're stumped, you can find more/better photos here, and here, and lots here.) 


More news.... Only a week left until I head to Colorado!! I haven't had a proper holiday in over two years, and this is like a double super awesome holiday because I GET TO HANG OUT WITH KAZEHANA. :D
Prepare yourself for epic spastification. And Wild West madness. (Y'all can try and convince me Colorado is not Wild West-ish as much you want; it won't make a difference. I'm Irish--anything west of Pennsylvania is the Wild West.)


Hopefully I'll get a proper post up before I leave. I'm working on one, but the ms paint pics take more time than I have at my disposal. Especially since I get so easily distracted by shiny objects, and digging through my old writings, and tumblr, and crushee, and Norman Reedus....


Any of you fellow potheads on Pottermore? If you're not, you should be!! It is at long last open to the general public. Be my friend: username is RainDragon6592. I'm in Gryffindor, according to the Sorting Hat. 


OMG the Devils are actually in the playoffs again!!!! I'm really REALLY hoping it comes down to the Devils v. Coyotes, as the the Coyotes are Cousin F's fav team. And if the Rangers somehow defeat the Devils in the next rounds, I may have to destroy all of New York. 
::knockonwoodknockonwoodknockonwoodknockonwoodknockonwood::


Have a good night, my preciouses! Or a good day, if you're on the other side. ♥

That rug really tied the room together, did it not? And this guy peed on it.

As of today, I am going to try and give up sugar. ...this should be interesting. 


My birthday is in 2 days, on Wednesday. I don't like birthdays, not really. I mean yeah it's nice getting cards and presents and a cake just for you, but it makes me feel awkward. I don't like people making a fuss over me. I feel like I'm not worth it. :/ I do love the family dinner party thing, too. I love parties in general, but not when I'm the centerpiece. 


(I was That Kid.)

I told Mum that my birthday dinner out should be my present (family birthday tradition: not only do you get the at-home family dinner of your favourite foods, you also get a dinner out at your favourite restaurant). Mum is taking me to one of my fav restaurants ever (Esty Street) and since I know it's expensive and we don't really have any money, I think that is a perfectly nice present and I don't need her to spend too much money on me. 


Mum was offended by this. 


So today at work I made a Birthday Present List with pictures, and gave it to her when I got home. (Mum's reactions are in purple):


For my birthday, I would like 


1.) A big horse

["Funny."]


...so I can ride it into battle with


2.) An antique Colt Peacemaker.

["YOU DON'T NEED A GUN."]


3.) I would also like eternal winter.

[::facepalm::]


4.) Stephanie March

wearing this:

["What happened to the magazine I gave you?"]


5.) Jeff Hardy

wearing nothing.


["Jaysus."]


6.) This fabulous Christian Lacriox dress:

and Lacroix shoes to go with it.

["And wear the hell would you wear them?"]


and
7.) This first edition of Andreas Vesalius' De humani corporis fabrica libri septem. 

["It's HOW much?? For a bloody BOOK?!?"]

Seriously, it's only $375,000.00. Just throw it on the AmEx. 

Hope you're all having a good start to the week. I feel like a bloated sack of protoplasm since the shore trip, and eating rubbish all weekend. And eating too much today. I want to not eat tomorrow AT ALL. Really badly. And then eat nothing on Wednesday to prep for the birthday dinner. And eat nothing Thursday and Friday to make up for the birthday dinner. 

Idk how I'll do with food the next couple days, but will try my best not to go crazier, or collapse in public. 

<3

You and your third dimension.... oh, nothing... it's cute.

Thanks for all the wonderful birthday wishes!! I get emails with every comment, and they get sent to my phone, so I was smiling all day long. :D


Good haul this year, I must say. Despite much protesting on my part because I know mum is short on money, she still spoiled me. I got a new Vera Bradley:

Lovely!




I've seriously gotta start selling the old purses on eBay. I get a new Vera Bradley every season, and then never use them again. I'm a wh*re like that.


Also got Season 4 of the X-Files, a collection of animated shorts by the Brothers Quay, and a collection of Jan Svankmajer's short films. We went out for a lovely dinner at Esty Street. Fancy gourmet food, and of course I ate too much: skirt steak with corn succotash, and squash instead of French fries, then a teeny bowl of bacon-and-maple flavoured ice cream. I had to try it. It was definitely weird, but it was pretty good. And needless to say, I felt ill afterwards because it was dairy.


Fasting today to make up for it, and also fasting tomorrow to prepare for the second birthday dinner on Friday. The fam is coming over, and a few friends. At least we're eating at home, so it'll be easier to avoid most of the food without drawing attention. I'm going to try and eat only the pheasant, and a tiny piece of my cake. Older Sis #2 is making me a crumb cake, and her crumb cake is sinfully delicious, so I have to have some.


Have a great day, y'all!!