I’ve been pretty badly blocked for about a month and a half. This raises my anxiety to a level just barely hovering on the sane side of Serial Killer. (And the stress makes it that much harder to restrict what I eat.) The hardest thing is that I actually don’t know how to think.
I don’t know what normal people think about on a day to day, hour to hour basis. I have never been normal. Normally for me, even when I have mild to moderate writers’ block, I am constantly thinking about plots, sub-plots, characters, settings, dialogues, and everything that makes up a good story. This is why I am an insomniac and can’t sleep at all without pills – I can’t turn this off. Ever. I even do it in my drug-induced sleep: I dream in the third person, like watching a movie, and I keep a notebook and pen beside my pillow just in case I get an awesome idea.
But recently, I just can’t get a firm hold on any of my ideas. They’re floating there in my brain, but it’s like they’re just barely out of reach. I’ll play with a new idea for a few days and then go to write it down and as soon as my pen hits the paper – POOF, idea gone.
This makes me want to repeatedly bash my head into a brick wall. To jump off a cliff just for the adrenaline rush. Run around with a big metal stick during a thunderstorm, so the lightning will strike my brain. Anything but this feeling that I can’t get my thoughts in a nice ordered line, and the feeling of barbed wire wrapping itself tighter and tighter around my chest.
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