Gouge away....

Five years of recovery down the effing toilet.

I suppose it's been building. Everyone has a breaking point. I don't know what it was about this morning, but after a brief verbal tussle with Mum at breakfast, I went upstairs and sliced up both hips. With a blunt Moroccan dagger.

One of these:

The argument went something like this:

Mum: (digging through the cupboards) "You didn't get any fiber bars?"

[I went grocery shopping Saturday. Immediately after arriving home, I told Mum that they didn't have any of the fiber bars we like.]

Me: (just woke up literally 4 minutes ago) "......No. I told you, they didn't have any."

Mum: (turns red) "IT WAS ONLY A FUCKING QUESTION YOU DON'T HAVE TO ATTACK ME!!!!! JESUS CHRIST!!"

Me: " ."

I guess it was a combination of things. I binged pretty bad yesterday (stupid fat pig f*cking elephant disgusting obese aaaarrrgghhhh), haven't been sleeping well even with the sleeping pills, and am just more irritable and agitated in general. So this morning, something in me broke. I had to do it, and I admit I felt much better afterwards. It was not, however, entirely satisfactory because (1) The good knives were downstairs, where Mum and the stepfather were hanging around the kitchen silently hating each other; (2) The knife sharpener was also downstairs, in the kitchen; (3) I am out of lemon juice, iodine, rubbing alcohol, and rock salt; and (4) I've misplaced the clean razor blades.

Honestly, I'd like to skip all the foreplay and go straight to my favorite form of self torture - cutting up the bottoms of my feet and binding it with lemon juice and rock salt so I can feel the pain and the burn with every single step I take. This gets problematic in the summer, as people tend to notice if you're wearing heavier shoes all the time, or walking around with sandals and your feet wrapped in bloody, lemon-fresh gauze.

All is not lost. My lovely friend Raul gave me some percocets on Saturday, so I intend to cut up my feet when I get home, wrap them with the lemon-and-rock-salt combo, and run on the treadmill for at least 1 hour.