Sometimes I wonder if maybe I was just meant to be fat. I do awesome for days, sometimes weeks, and then one day I just suddenly find myself eating everything that isn't nailed down. And I can't stop!!! It's like the conscious part of my brain just drops dead and the unconscious kicks in. I go on epic binges - giant bowl of cereal with sugar and 2% milk, caramel Frappes from McDonalds, huge tubs of popcorn covered in butter and salt, a half rack of ribs bathing in barbecue sauce with fried onions and French fries, Cadbury buttons with peanut butter right out of the jar, and top it all off with a box of South Beach fiber bars (s'mores flavored).
And then afterwards, when I am in fat-ass-super-full-tummy stupor, my conscious mind decides to wake up.
How could I NOT take a bunch of Ex-Lax??? I can't make myself puke. I've never been able to do that. I could stick my whole fist down my throat; I still won't vomit. But I must get rid of it. I can't live with that kind of shame coursing through my digestive system, filling me up with lardy fat and turning the blood in my veins to greasy sludge. I don't care how much pain I'll be in come morning.
And then I feel like a weakling. A sissy. An out of control fat ass. A stronger person could just say no. A stronger person would have the will to resist. A stronger person would be thin.
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