Most days I just plod through life like everything's no biggie. Anyone who knows me will tell you it takes A LOT to upset, offend, shock, or bother me. Same goes for my eating habits. I try not to think about it; I just do it: stay between 300 and 800 calories a day. Ignore the hunger. Chug water. Kill my appetite with sudafed. Exercise on too few calories until I feel like passing out. No big deal.
And then there's other days where I think about what I'm doing to myself. I can see my future without much effort of imagination. My aunt has had issues with ana most of her life. At the moment, she's 51 and cannot be more than 90 lbs. And the serious problems are starting, mostly with her renal system.
So I think about that, and about all the other possible consequences of staying on this path - my hair falling out (I have thin hair to begin with, so I already have nightmares about this), aging faster (my aunt happens to be an exception to this; she looks 40 at most), growing fur. And oh yeah, not being able to stop, and eventually dying of heart problems or kidney failure.
But I can't stop. I think about it, and the idea just seems completely absurd. Nonsense. Not count calories?? Eat more than 800 cals a day??? Are you kidding?!?!? I'll get fat!!! I'm already fat!!!!!!! And so my brain jumps back and forth, and I can't concentrate on anything, and I want to stop this, and I can't stop this ever, and then I just feel scared and can't even pinpoint exactly what set me off and made me scared in the first place.
Today I ate: cereal, which I have with mostly water now, and just a splash of skim milk (100); coffee (10); fiber bars (250 - pig); Lean Cuisine (240), for a total of 600. Exercise burned about 400, so I'm at 200 for the day.
Goodnight, my lovelies!! Going to watch Criminal Minds until the Sominex kicks in. Agent Hotchner is hot.
Hotchner is definatly a hottie !! Love Criminal Minds : )
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