This is why I don't do drugs.

Last night I went out to dinner and didn't really eat any of it (less than half veggie burger, no bread, side salad with low fat dressing - 200ish) I also had 4 beers and a shot of whiskey later on in the evening, which put me at a whopping 1,050 calories for the day. :*(

Around midnight, a friend offered me some smokie treats. Normally I would say absolutely not, because those things give me the munchies when they don't make me suicidally paranoid, and it's usually best to just avoid it. But stupid me, drunk, said "ok!"

I don't know how to properly explain the terror that I felt. I was just sitting there, outside the back of the pub where everyone goes for ciggies, and was overwhelmed. Like "OH MY GOD, I am the biggest pig alive. FOUR beers??? What was I thinking?!?And there's so many people here! They all think I'm a fat pig!!!!! ::scans crowd:: Am I fatter than she is? What about that girl over there? I bet she didn't have 1,050 calories today.
::check face fat under chin::
::check ribs::

No, no I don't think I'm fatter than they are. But holy hand grenades, I've got to do something. Must get home. Everyone's watching me. They know I'm nuts. They'll lock me up if I stay here too long. They'll make nice and act like friends and wait until my back is turned and I'll be locked up in Bergen Regional faster than I can blink.

But then if I go home, I'll have to get past... Mum.

...I don't remember too much after that point, but I did get safely home to bed and managed to take off my make-up and put my jammies on, so I mustn't have been too obliterated. But good God, I have such an epic fear of my mother when I get paranoid like that, it's amazing I haven't had a heart attack yet.

New resolution, as of now! No more substances. At all. None.