Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Y is for Your Personal Space and My Personal Space Being Separate Things

We've probably all experienced this at some point in our lives. You're at the supermarket and waiting on line, and you get this feeling that something is not right. Then you feel this faint warm breeze on the back of your neck.

Someone is standing behind you, and standing absurdly close to you.



You try to move up a little without crowding the person in front of you, but the creeper behind you just moves up as well. Stepping a little bit to the side doesn't work either; the creeper can get even closer to you if you do that.

What do you do? Social etiquette makes it difficult for you to turn around and address the issue directly with the weirdo who is occupying your very personal space. Do you just grit your teeth and try to ignore it until it's your turn at the register? If you're anything like me, you can't.

I have invented a number of solutions for this situation, all of them designed to not only get the creeper out of your space, but to impart upon them the lesson that one should not stand that close to complete strangers in the supermarket.

1. Sneezing
Fake a sneeze. And not some little pansy sneeze. A BIG, booming sneeze. One that racks your whole body. This allows you to jerk your body in the creeper's direction. No one likes getting sneezed on.

2. Foot stomping
Pretend to slightly lose your balance. (If you're me, you don't even have to pretend.) Step backwards, directly onto the creeper's foot. And not a light step. A good hard stomp that can crack bones.

3. Elbow to the gut
You need to get your cell phone out of your purse. Naturally, this leads to a good hard elbow to the stomach for the person behind you.

4. Long hair to the face
Have nice long hair? Give it a good dramatic sweep over your shoulder. I have never done this because I can't pull it off without looking like I'm having a seizure, but I've seen others do it.


What about the rest of you? I'm always open to suggestions for new tactics.

7 comments:

  1. A fart always works, if you don't mind the damage to social standing...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh I hate that! Like, why do you need to stand so close to me? It won't help you check out any faster, you know? I tend to ignore it while my insides boil over with rage, but I like your stomping suggestion. I will definitely be implementing that one...

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  3. "Excuse me, could you just step back a bit? I promise I will save your space.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Faces Of Jesus Appearing on Food Everywhere Click Here

    The food are all high carb foods like tacos, pancakes, pizza ect...

    Jesus is clearly endorcing carbs!

    ReplyDelete
  5. THANK YOU! :D

    I start idly swinging my helmet around. Huge fuck-off motorbike helmet to the groin, anyone?

    My hair reaches my ass now. I'm going to flick the braid back and aim for the eyes >:)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm usually behind the ones that think they have to leave double the "normal" space between people and I'm itching to get my stuff on the conveyor belt so I can be out of there as soon as possible, but they aren't budging forward.

    congrats on finishing the challenge!

    betty

    ReplyDelete

We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.