Tuesday, April 8, 2014

G is for Grocery Shopping

I think everyone who hates grocery shopping hates it for the same reasons, so instead of rambling on in the normal fashion, I shall now attempt some poetry:


I actually kind of like grocery shopping.
It highlights all of my most efficient qualities,
like writing the list in the order of the aisles in the shop
and then never using the list because I memorized it,
and of course when I get home,
carrying all twelve bags in at once
because I don't feel like making more than one trip.

But seriously people
can you not leave your shopping cart across the aisle
completely blocking my way
and then get pissed at me for moving it
when you ignored my polite attempts at
"EXCUSE ME."

Your filthy ill-mannered children
should be strapped into the shopping cart,
or perhaps you could just leave them at home.
I know you have a nanny.
No one with three screaming children
wears Gucci spike heels
and spotless white Dior pant suits
unless they have a nanny.

You know how when you approach an intersection
in your car or on foot,
you stop and look both ways
to make sure you don't get hit by an oncoming truck?
One would think that rule might also apply
to the end of the aisles in the supermarket.

YES, I am in fact quiet short.
And I would appreciate it if you didn't judge me
when I need to climb the shelves
because of course the item I want
is always on the top shelf.

Unless there is something legitimately wrong with you
I don't understand
why you can't
just bag your own effing groceries.
People like you will die first
when the zombies come.

Why the hell don't any of these supermarkets
stock parsnips.
Some of us eat those.

It's Sunday afternoon.
Everyone does their food shopping on Sunday afternoon.
So why are there only two cashiers working?

That's right.
My life is not exciting.
And I know that you know
because the only things I'm buying
are vodka and cat food.

12 comments:

  1. You should come and live here for a while. We have parsnips coming out of our ears, which is painful and slightly annoying.

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  2. I like your complain.
    I also hate grocery shopping even though here it's not as bad. At least people don't run into each other.

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  3. Online shopping and the local village market . . . . have saved me .

    Rob Z Tobor

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  4. People like you will die first
    when the zombies come.
    ^THIS

    this is spectacular and you need to submit it to literary journals.

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  5. You have captured the sucky experience perfectly......!!!!!

    Cheers Aisling!

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  6. One verse I'd add:

    And why , it always seems to me,
    that the busier the aisle ahead
    the more they aim their carts at me!
    Crossing lanes to clobber me,
    pick up the pace to tackle me
    And one day, should they then succeed,
    they'll trigger the bomb attached to me
    And if I fly in pieces through the sky,
    At least they'll be one step ahead.


    Other than that, you captured my usual trip to Wal-Mart perfectly!

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  7. hahaha! oh my gosh! this was hysterical! thank you for writing what i've often said over and over in my head. :)

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  8. I dread grocery shopping - especially with the little ones. It usually takes us 2 hours, someone is always cranky, and the parking lots are crowded no matter when you go. Why do they build a huge supermarket with room for 5,000 people and a tiny parking lot with room for 50 cars? is this just a NJ thing? I never had this problem in CT...

    I'm a shade over 6 ft tall so every once in a while a little old lady will ask me to get them the items on the top shelf. Perhaps I could be of some assistance to you next time ;-D

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  9. We better watch out! The zombies are coming!

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  10. We need to join a spider monkey shelf-climbers club!

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  11. I work in a supermarket.

    I have to pick the store I shop at carefully so the trip doesn't take 3 hours when mates who work there stop me and talk to me.

    I prefer to go in, get what I need and GTFO.

    ReplyDelete

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