Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
I really love some of the clothes they have in The Pyramid Collection. I don't know how I started getting the catalog, but one came in the mail today and I drooled over all the cutesy dresses. Like this one:
All gorgeous dresses aside, I have a problem with this shop because I cannot actually purchase any of the dresses I like. Their "XS" is a size 2-4. They don't go any smaller. (And seriously, by what stretch of the imagination is 6-8 a small? I'm not saying that's fat, but it's definitely a medium.) The Pyramid Collection does, however, advertise proudly on the front cover that they carry "Godddess-Sized" clothing, in case you're too big for the XL.
Now I apologize if this seems mean, but why the heck is it socially acceptable for this shop to carry Goddess sizes, and for shops like Torrid and Layne Bryant to exist when it's socially unacceptable for me to be the way I am, and for girls like me to be 20 or 30 pounds skinner than I am? It's not exactly any healthier to be so overweight that you need a special shop for clothes, but yet they have special shops for plus sizes. What about the rest of us who are swimming in XXS? Those of us who get too thin for 00? Why can't we have a bloody shop with pixie sized clothing in XXXXXXS and 00000?!?!?
Today I ate: cereal (75), coffee (5), fiber bars (220), lean cuisine (200), one more fiber bar (pig, 130) for a total of 630. Exercise burned 320.
Monday, June 28, 2010
The day has at least ended much better than it began. I just unearthed my old My Little Pony VHS tapes, and plan to watch them in sleeping-pill stupor before I go to sleep. Bear witness to my affliction!!!
Today, I ate: cereal (75), coffee (5), 1/2 fiber bar (70), and a lean cuisine (250) for a total of 400. Perc-ercise burned 700 cals, so I'm in negatives for the 1st time in a while. Not going to make a habit out of the pain killers again, though. Aside from the fact that I build muscle weight with the over-exercising, I also retain water. No thanks.
Nightly Giant Mutant Cricket Count of the basement: 3 crickets. No sign of Big Momma tonight. I shall post a photo of her next time I see her, so y'all can be certain that I'm actually not kidding.
Goodnight, my lovelies!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Ok, so I didn't binge, but I totally feel like I ate way too much today. I started out awesome - the 90 cal cereal-and-coffee breakfast. I burned off 500 cals in my workout, went to Express and bought 2 pairs of size 00 shorts, and almost blacked in Stop & Shop while grocery shopping.
And then I went out to dinner (again!! why can't my fam just eat at home like normal people?!?) with mum and my aunt. I ate some swordfish (150), like 1/4 of my spinach and scallops salad as it was a bit gross (100), and 2 bbq chicken wings (300? Idk what the heck I was thinking - I was pissed that my salad was nasty), and then a fiber bar when I got home (110), so it's like 750 for the day. But I still feel like a bloated, fat giant pig. Like my rib cage is disappearing under a filthy layer of whale blubber.
And not a small, cute whale like a Dwarf Sperm Whale. More like a Blue Whale.
In other news, giant mutant crickets have taken up residence in my basement. Again. The 1st official Cricket Count of 2010: 7 crickets, and 1 Big Momma Mammoth cricket. Seriously, that bitch was like 3 inches across.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
I really need to learn to just keep my big mouth shut, but sometimes things just pop out before I can stop it.
Like this morning for example, my step-father offers me some breakfast from the deli: a plain bagel with butter (at least 400) with 2 fried eggs on top (at least 200, fried in butter or oil) and like 6 slices of bacon on top of the eggs (300+). That's a total of AT LEAST 900 cals for breakfast.
My reply: HA!!!
So far today, I ate: cereal (80), coffee (10); and exercise this morn burned about 500 cals.
Around midnight, a friend offered me some smokie treats. Normally I would say absolutely not, because those things give me the munchies when they don't make me suicidally paranoid, and it's usually best to just avoid it. But stupid me, drunk, said "ok!"
I don't know how to properly explain the terror that I felt. I was just sitting there, outside the back of the pub where everyone goes for ciggies, and was overwhelmed. Like "OH MY GOD, I am the biggest pig alive. FOUR beers??? What was I thinking?!?And there's so many people here! They all think I'm a fat pig!!!!! ::scans crowd:: Am I fatter than she is? What about that girl over there? I bet she didn't have 1,050 calories today.
::check face fat under chin::
No, no I don't think I'm fatter than they are. But holy hand grenades, I've got to do something. Must get home. Everyone's watching me. They know I'm nuts. They'll lock me up if I stay here too long. They'll make nice and act like friends and wait until my back is turned and I'll be locked up in Bergen Regional faster than I can blink.
But then if I go home, I'll have to get past... Mum.
...I don't remember too much after that point, but I did get safely home to bed and managed to take off my make-up and put my jammies on, so I mustn't have been too obliterated. But good God, I have such an epic fear of my mother when I get paranoid like that, it's amazing I haven't had a heart attack yet.
New resolution, as of now! No more substances. At all. None.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Assembly of the new elliptical/exercise bike is taking a bit longer than anticipated. Christopher encountered a problem with one of the bolts. He explained it to me using terms I didn't understand. I suggested the hammer.
So no exercise = no dinner. And of course tonight I've got the regular fam (mum, sis, step-father), plus 1 auntie staying for summer, one of mum's friends, her son (he's putting the elliptical together), the step-brother (evil), and his son. How the heck am I supposed to skip dinner when they insisted on making barbecued chicken and steaks, served with broccoli, spuds, and all manner of fattening cold salads, to be eaten together as a big happy family? I'll tell you.
Mum starts talking about dinner. Step-dad starts cooking steaks outside, where we're all sitting on the deck.
Mum: "You want a steak or chicken?"
Me: (frown slightly, rub stomach) "I'll pick at the salads maybe. Can you get me an alka-seltzer?"
Mum: "You don't feel well?"
Me: "It was meatball day at work. They are soooo good. Greasy, though. You know how I get with greasy stuff."
Mum: (makes a face) "Meatballs?" (She doesn't like meatballs. Or anything that I say I like)
Me: "They're ridiculous. I think he deep fries them, or something. I got like 5 of them on a sandwich with fried onions."
Mum: "No wonder you feel sick!"
Me: "Yeah, I might just pick at the broccoli and the bread."
Mum: "Probably a good idea. I'll get your alka-seltzer on my way back outside."
I'd like to thank the Academy.
Today, I ate: after everything posted in the previous entry, broccoli (20), 1/2 piece of flatbread (50) with mustard (5). Total of 395.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
I went shopping today after work, as I need new work trousers. I love Express editor trousers, so I figured I'd go there and get some shorts as well, and maybe some capris.
This is what I don't get: I am a 0 in the editor pants. I fit into a 00, but as they're for work I like them a bit loose. In the Eva jeans (mid-rise) I also fit in a 00, but I like my jeans a bit loose as well so stick with the 0. In the Stella jeans (low rise), however, I am just a 0. Can barely squeeze the 00's past my knees. Mia jeans (high rise) - 0. In their shorts, which are low rise, the 00's are even a bit loose, but then when I tried on the capris, I had to go all the way up to a 2 (at which point I said f*ck that, and put them back).
One would think that since all these different sorts of trousers are in the same shop and all the same brand, that I would be the same size in everything. Wtf?
Same thing in Charlotte Russe - I needed a THREE in the capris, and yet 0 in the shorts. Trying everything on was like riding an effing emotional roller coaster. Omg, I'm fat! Omg, I'm thin! What? I think I'm just going to start doing all of my shopping online.
Today I ate: cereal (90); coffee (10); fiber bars (340); flatbread w/ jelly (125), for a total of 465.
On a side note: I found these 100-calorie flat bread things in A&P. These are friggin delicious.
Monday, June 21, 2010
And then there's other days where I think about what I'm doing to myself. I can see my future without much effort of imagination. My aunt has had issues with ana most of her life. At the moment, she's 51 and cannot be more than 90 lbs. And the serious problems are starting, mostly with her renal system.
So I think about that, and about all the other possible consequences of staying on this path - my hair falling out (I have thin hair to begin with, so I already have nightmares about this), aging faster (my aunt happens to be an exception to this; she looks 40 at most), growing fur. And oh yeah, not being able to stop, and eventually dying of heart problems or kidney failure.
But I can't stop. I think about it, and the idea just seems completely absurd. Nonsense. Not count calories?? Eat more than 800 cals a day??? Are you kidding?!?!? I'll get fat!!! I'm already fat!!!!!!! And so my brain jumps back and forth, and I can't concentrate on anything, and I want to stop this, and I can't stop this ever, and then I just feel scared and can't even pinpoint exactly what set me off and made me scared in the first place.
Today I ate: cereal, which I have with mostly water now, and just a splash of skim milk (100); coffee (10); fiber bars (250 - pig); Lean Cuisine (240), for a total of 600. Exercise burned about 400, so I'm at 200 for the day.
Goodnight, my lovelies!! Going to watch Criminal Minds until the Sominex kicks in. Agent Hotchner is hot.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Stay strong, ladies!!! xXx
Saturday, June 19, 2010
My wonderful loving father informed me today that he's too busy to see my older sister and me on Father's Day. He and Wife #3 and my brothers have plans to go to Wife3's parents. My sis and I are not invited. But if we really want, he'll be home after 2 hours of church at around 11.30, and as they're not leaving for Wife3's parents' house until 12, we are permitted to come and stop by for half an hour.
I live an hour away.
And of course I made the enormous mistake of telling my mother about this. Thus ensued a diatribe against the Father (which is entirely justified), during which she basically called me a giant wuss and a pussy and a pushover for not telling my father what an asshole he has turned into since he was Saved. Then she declared that it's obviously all her fault, she never does anything right anyway, she should just kill herself, etc. (this has been her theme song for 2 decades). When I tried to calmly tell her that NO, it's not all her fault, and NO I do not think it's all her fault, she shouted at me for attacking her. I have no choice but to shut up when she gets like this. If I argue, she'll only get louder and louder to drown me out. So I sit and seethe and wallow in my own silent rage against myself.
I am too aggravated to even feel slightly hungry, so I can at least see the bright side of things.
Some bad poetry:
The Queen is in the Counting House,
counting this, counting that.
The Queen is in the Counting House,
counting every ounce of fat.
She wages war upon herself;
For her there's no repast.
The Queen will count her life away
In coffin made of glass.
After a sort of rough patch of bouncing between 110 and 108, or just staying at 108, I HAVE LOST 2 LBS.!!! Am now 106. :)
Houlihan's has this awesome new "small plates" menu, for those of you who find yourselves stuck going out to eat. (Their full list of nutrition facts is on their website, too.) It says on the menu that the "average" person gets 2-4 small plates and that makes up a full meal. I got 2: the Shrimp Po'Boy (213 for one slider) and the Spring Rolls (207 with no sauce) and managed to eat half of each one. The awesome thing is that it still looks like I ate a decent sized meal, and my dindin was only 211 calories....
Friday, June 18, 2010
Is it just me, or has Webs.com just vanished? Pretty Thin is gone, as is the website that I spent HOURS building to show off my photography!!! I feel like a lost little girl!
Scratch that. I feel like a disgruntled young woman. That sounds better.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
So I’m sitting at this sort of outdoor café thing with a friend (friend keeps changing between people I know and people I don’t). Friend is eating and telling me I really should eat, and I refuse. As I’m sitting there, I’m getting thinner and thinner to the point that I’m pretty well emaciated, and I’m absolutely thrilled about it.
I decide to go for a walk, and I run into myself, only it’s me at age 19 (judging from the purple hair and funky hairstyle). Real-Life me is back up to 108 lbs., while 19-Y-O me is cancer-patient-skinny (which is inaccurate, I was like 120 at 19). I get pissed off and Friend is back telling me if I don’t eat, I’m going to die and then I get this stabbing pain in my side, which wakes me up and I’m pretty sure it hurt in real life, but I can’t remember.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
I’ve been pretty badly blocked for about a month and a half. This raises my anxiety to a level just barely hovering on the sane side of Serial Killer. (And the stress makes it that much harder to restrict what I eat.) The hardest thing is that I actually don’t know how to think.
I don’t know what normal people think about on a day to day, hour to hour basis. I have never been normal. Normally for me, even when I have mild to moderate writers’ block, I am constantly thinking about plots, sub-plots, characters, settings, dialogues, and everything that makes up a good story. This is why I am an insomniac and can’t sleep at all without pills – I can’t turn this off. Ever. I even do it in my drug-induced sleep: I dream in the third person, like watching a movie, and I keep a notebook and pen beside my pillow just in case I get an awesome idea.
But recently, I just can’t get a firm hold on any of my ideas. They’re floating there in my brain, but it’s like they’re just barely out of reach. I’ll play with a new idea for a few days and then go to write it down and as soon as my pen hits the paper – POOF, idea gone.
This makes me want to repeatedly bash my head into a brick wall. To jump off a cliff just for the adrenaline rush. Run around with a big metal stick during a thunderstorm, so the lightning will strike my brain. Anything but this feeling that I can’t get my thoughts in a nice ordered line, and the feeling of barbed wire wrapping itself tighter and tighter around my chest.