Wednesday, April 23, 2014

T is for Toddlers

For the most part I like children. I don't really think they're that much different than adults, except they're shorter (and when you're only 5' tall, shorter doesn't really make a difference in your opinion of other people).

I like babies, too. I don't think they're cute or anything (seriously newborns all look like freaking aliens I am not going to oooo and aaahhh over your newborn sorry just not doing it), but when it comes to looking after babies, that is the easiest thing ever.

(The first response I usually get to that is "Wait until you have to get up and feed them 4 times a night!" I promise, getting up and feeding something 4+ times a night is not a big deal when you don't sleep in the first place. I have done it when others were too sick to do it, for weeks at a time.)

Babies cry and shit and need feeding. That's it. They cannot talk back to you and they cannot run away.

Which leads to why I am never having children.

I don't like toddlers. They hit that magical age of being able to talk in sentences and run at the same time, and now you will truly come to know the meaning of suffering. Because they can talk and run, but they cannot yet reason. And also at that age, they're like puppies. You can't leave them alone to entertain themselves yet. They need constant attention, and they have limitless energy. Just thinking about taking care of a toddler makes me tired.



  1. I only have one, and I came out of my postpartum coma when he was three.

  2. Couldn't agree with you more. I love my nieces, but I'm glad I'm an aunt and can go home after like 15 minutes of visiting if I have to. Also, the first time my husband told me he loved me was when I mentioned that I thought all babes are ugly, and that I didn't understand why people make such a big deal about them when they're born, saying they're cute and all. Because they are not. I guess my husband and me are meant to be together, yes? True love...acknowledging that baby humans are the ugliest of all baby animals.

  3. Ha! I love this. I'm a family support worker and so I'm around all the bad parents and I'm over here like, "ahh! stop! you're screwing your kid up! stop making more! stahhhhhp!" Kids like me a lot for some reason and I think they can be pretty okay too, if they aren't coming home with me. It's a miracle I can get myself up and dressed and do any form of responsibility let alone someone else. Plus, having a baby reminds me of the movie Alien and that alone makes me say no to childbirth.
    PS love your llama. :D

  4. I will only babysit when they're toilet trained, sleep through the night and can TELL me what is wrong instead of screaming themselves senseless.


We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.