Thursday, April 23, 2015

I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are; we're looking up "money laundering" in a dictionary.

Office work, as I'm sure many of you know, is fraught with a number of unique dangers.

Like manila folders.

Y'all know how a paper cut feels. Paper can do a surprising amount of damage, especially to dry skin.

Any of you ever experience a manila folder cut?


I've had accidents with kitchen knives that have caused less damage. Once a manila folder got me between my thumb and index finger--it wouldn't heal for weeks.

I'm pretty sure every office has the rogue filing cabinet.

Something gets screwed up in its innards and thus the cabinet won't open and close properly. In one of my old temp jobs, there was a filing cabinet that could only be opened by repeatedly hitting it with a hammer.

In my current office, the rogue filing cabinet will actually try to kill you if you attempt to open the top drawer. It acts like it's going to cooperate at first, and then right when you let your guard down

the freaking thing tries to slit your wrists.

(The metal pulley things upon which the drawer should rest are broken, so at the last second they tend to ricochet right out of the drawer in the general direction of your face.)

The supply closet is just as perilous. We have done the same thing to the supply closet as I have done to most of the closets at home

 Because all three of us in the office are midgets, we cannot reach the two highest shelves, or the top of the filing cabinet. So naturally instead of placing things neatly in those high places, we just throw stuff up there and hope (1) that we will never need to get it down again; and (2) that is stays there on the first try.

Things shift around a bit every time someone opens or closes the door, or opens the filing cabinet drawers, or rearranges the things on the shelves that we can reach until eventually

We keep the hammer in a better place now, hanging on the shelves.

Then there's that one coworker who leaves gross smelly food in the fridge for weeks and ends up making the whole office smell like a sewer.

Idk what it is with gross food smells, but it's like the food left in the fridge or the garbage will lie dormant and odorless for days, and then one morning you open the office door and WHAM you're hit with the stink of a dead body.

Bosslady is constantly leaving food in the office. CONSTANTLY. Bossman has yelled at her for this. I have yelled at her for this. I have thrown 2 sets of [apparently] expensive tupperware into the dumpster. Because NO.

 And yet she still continues to leave disgusting things in the fridge and in the garbage. 

And of course, there's the Russian Mafia.

Which I cannot discuss in detail, or I'd have to kill all of you.