Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Some weird habits I've picked up:

[ ...Or, some habits other people have started to notice.]

- The Face-Fat-Check: Uncountable times a day, I will check the spot just under my chin to make sure I don't have a double chin, and to see how fat it is in general. Most often, I will do this immediately before eating. If it's too fat or wobbly, I will skip the food.

- I carry a teaspoon and tablespoon measure around in my purse.

- I keep Emergency Food in my purse (usually cereal bars or something similar, in a plastic baggie) for when I go long stretches of time without food. Should I be out and about and start to feel faint, I'll take a tiny bite of one of the cereal bars.

- I have a permanent limp that's difficult to cover up in flat shoes, as a result of a damaged Achilles tendon (doesn't hurt in high heels). This is what happens when you exercise on pain killers, and refuse to stop exercising even though you're injured.

- I keep a 1/2 cup measuring cup in my box of Corn Flakes, and will get extremely irritable if someone takes it out and puts it away.

- I have a "compost heap" outside (for gardening - duh), where a lot of my dinner ends up when no one's looking. I hate wasting food, so this seems like a sensible solution, as I know for a fact that both the deer and the neighborhood foxes eat from the heap, and mum thinks I actually use it for the garden.

- I am constantly feeling myself up, and have to be careful not to do it in public. Sometimes, I am seized with the horrific reality that I'm an elephant, and must then squeeze my ass, love handles, thighs, stomach, and arm fat to assess just how fat I am.

- I eat raw veggies (usually carrot sticks and celery) with ketchup.

- I will sometimes eat a small spoonful of spicy English mustard, followed with a giant glass of water.

- I keep a baggie of Cheerios in my desk at work (exactly one cup), and it usually takes me at least 2 weeks to eat the entire cup full.

- I also keep several boxes of Sudafed in my desk.

- I pretend to be taking baths and instead, do aerobics on the bathroom floor for an hour.

- I eat small spoonfuls of salt right out of the Morton package.

- There is a definitely difference in the taste of different brands of water. I refuse to touch Aquafina and Dasani, as they're just nasty, and no water bottle should hiss when you open it. Evian is pretty yummy. Poland Spring tastes funny. None of the store brand waters are worth your money, except for Stop & Shop. The tap water in my grandmother's house in Achill, Ireland is by far the best tasting water ever, followed closely by Fiji, and the tap water in my house. I wouldn't drink Philadelphia tap water if you paid me.

But in general, I think I'm probably pretty normal.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Food addiction seems so much trashier than, say, heroin addiction.

I still don’t know what’s worse: the desperate, hungry, time-stretching starvation of not eating all day; or the horrible, bloated, greasy, fat feeling right after you’ve caved in and eaten something.

I’m having a harder time than usual going back to my old habits after a week-long binge while I was away on holiday. I’ve been exercising, but I have been eating way too much. But I’m just so HUNGRY!!! I brought a bag of veggies to work today (with a tablespoon of fat free dressing) to nibble on, but I swear it only makes me MORE hungry. I feel so weak and fat, like I should just give up and eat what I want and turn into a giant piggie, because I’m obviously too weak-willed to be thin.

It’s just like rehab, I guess. If I can get through like three days of properly starving, I know I can get back into a good rhythm. But the withdrawal still sucks.

So far today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal (150), coffee (10), veggies w/dressing (about 150).

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I'm baaaaaaaaaaack........

I have just returned from a 6-day trip to the Dominican Republic. I ate like a fiend while I was there, so naturally I am now terrified to weigh myself. I don't need the scale to tell me that I look like a total fattie - I can see it just fine in the mirror.

I was going to start right back on the exercise and restriction, but some nasty tummy bug I caught on the plane put that on hold. I spent most of the day yesterday either vomiting or asleep. That might have made me feel a little less heavy, but since I hadn't eaten anything, there wasn't really anything to puke up.

So TODAY, I start over again. Major exercise, and as little food as I can eat without passing out. I will give myself 1 week before getting back on the scale - 7 days to shape up!! So far today, I ate 1 bowl of cereal (160) and skipped the coffee. Tomorrow, I try the low-to-no-carb thing again.