Thursday, December 30, 2010

One more day, and then I can finally give 2010 a good kick up the arse.

Elk's recent post made me think of this today. 


People tend to think I'm some horrible sort of inhuman monster because I say that I like eating rabbits. Ok yeah rabbits are totally cute and stuff, and Peter Rabbit was awesome, and I love baby bunnies as much as the next person...
Yes, it's really so cute I could vomit. 


But that does not negate the fact that when that adorable little muffin grows up and gets fat, it's gonna taste DAMN GOOD in a stew. MMMmmmmmm......


I had a pet rabbit as a child. 


Let me back up. 


When I was a kid, Mum could't get me to give up my pacifier. We called it a "dummy," but apparently normal people call it a pacifier. I didn't suck on it, I just kept it in my mouth, clenched between my teeth, and I always kept the spare one in my left hand because I liked the way the rubber felt when you squeezed it. So I would sit there and more or less molest the dummy in my hand, twisting it round and round until some time ordained by a Higher Power that told me to switch--the one in my hand went to my mouth, and vice versa. Then I started again. And if I lost one, there would be Hell on Earth, because I NEEDED to have two at all times. 


I was never normal. 


So I kept this up until just over the age of five, when Mum finally decided enough was enough. A five year old is way too old for a dummy/pacifier, even if she only has it at night. (I have to agree on that one...) The only way Mum could get me to part with the dummy was to promise me a pet. I convinced her that in order to break away from my version of a security blanket, I would require something more sufficient than a goldfish. I wanted something with four legs that I could feed and cuddle. I was thinking maybe a dog or a cat, but instead Mum surprised me with a rabbit. 


I know she's not the only one. I know lots of kids who've been given small furry pets when they are way too young to look after them. What are you parents thinking?!


I can't imagine it would ever be a good idea to leave your five year old unattended and in charge of taking care of a rabbit. All a five year old wants to do is terrorize the rabbit. 

And I'm pretty sure no five year old could possibly do a good job of feeding and caring for an animal without any instructions whatsoever. And that's all Mum did. Got the rabbit, the cage, some food, handed it to me, and said "go nuts."


Well not exactly like that, but you get the idea.


For this reason, and because we never learned its gender, it became known as The Rabbit. That was the best name we could come up with. 


My nanny eventually took pity on me and helped me care for The Rabbit. We built a little fenced-in area in the back garden for him to wander around in while the weather was nice. In winter he came inside in his hutch. I never really bonded with The Rabbit, but he was kind of nice. 


The Rabbit was also a rather clever escape artist. It soon learned how to dig its way out of its fenced-in area. He escaped three times, but we always managed to find him and catch him and bring him home. The third time he came home, he was acting kinda weird. 


And then the next day when I went out to feed him, I watched The Rabbit die foaming at the mouth in a fit of demonic possession. 
Apparently, The Rabbit caught rabies during his last escape. 


And six year old Mich didn't even get to bury him, because he had to be taken away by animal control or something. Cousin (she's a vet tech) says they have to take possibly rabid animals away so they can be officially tested for rabies, I guess so they can try and keep it under control?


Whatever; it left me slightly more spastic than I had been before.


~*~**~*~


I'm a pig.


>:(


I did really well for three days, and then ate way too much tonight. Our family friends came over and we all went out to dinner. They arrived whilst I was tearing my room apart, flinging clothes all over the place to try and find an outfit that would best conceal my blubber. Alas, everything I own seemed determined to make me look like a lopsided blimp, so I settled with baggy jeans and the new Tesla hoodie. 


Then I go downstairs to greet the visitors and am subjected to shrieks of , "Oh my GAWD, you've gotten way too skinny!!"


ED's f*ck with your mind. 

25 comments:

  1. You are a dianty.

    AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH baby bunnies are cute as fuck. Grown bunnies are evil and disgusting and just gross. I've had rabbits for pets a couple of times and I've had them attack me like dogs growling and everything. Plus they screw (and inbreed) like there's no tomorrow and make a gory sickening afterbirth mess and eat nasty shit and are vicious. I hate them. but JEEZE baby ones are cute. I've eaten rabbit twice. Once at Moroccan, and once at Italian. The Moroccan was better.

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  2. I do believe they always will fuck with our brains...My first pet was a hamster :) loved that thing <3

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  3. Aw, bunneh! (Sucker!)

    Excuse me, but what sort of an Irish lass would you be if you didn't eat rabbit?! Preposterous!

    I had a bunny too, a browm one, named Brownie! I was 3! The average lifespan of a common rabit isn't too long, so when I was 6, Brownie "ran away"! I always knew what a liar my mother was!

    I hated my dummy as a baby, it always made me feel like I was being silenced! Fuck that!

    I, too, am ready to give this year the "Bishop Brennan"! (new year's resolution, get season 3 of Father Ted! ) Hope 2011 is awesome for us all.

    Big love, Michie! XXX.

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  4. I used to own a rabbit too! He escaped all the time and finally I saw him dead in the road on my way to school. Rabbit's are always traumatic pets to own.

    I've been a little piggy myself lately. Must regain control of my life, must.

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  5. Sorry, fucking around on the net. Found this for you... http://www.emmiebee.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/funny-pictures-cat-has-toy-pony-minions.jpg

    Gotta laugh! X.

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  6. I vaguely recall hating how the pacifier felt against my lips.

    And then I switched to chewing up/destroying everything else in the house.

    I chewed holes in my mom's hot water bottle.
    I chewed holes in my own rubber hoppity horse that my mom attempted to patch with duct tape until it had too many holes to patch.

    I chewed holes in the hands and feet of my Raggedy Ann doll which was filled with pasta. Which I also chewed up til she was empty. Then my mother took her away and refilled her with beans. I chewed her up some more until the beans were history. My mother refilled her AGAIN with rice...and that was the end of that. Rice just makes your mouth starchy.

    I chewed up some other random shit and wandered around with rocks in my mouth from time to time.

    Normal? What?

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  7. i found that story quite entertaining. Ive eaten rabbit before but i didnt like the taste. here down under we eat kangaroo which heapsa people think is wrong.
    my rabbit had babies once and i dropped one and broke its back! my dad ended up drowning them all anyway coz we couldnt get rid of them but i still felt bad.
    i was 5 when my parents took away my dummy too. it was easter and they replaced my dummy with a chocolate easter egg... ive been fat ever since :P

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  8. as ever your stories are VERY entertaining :)
    Sorry you're feeling like you have nothing 'safe' to wear, I hate that feeling... x

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  9. ur psot and stories are always crazy love it

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  10. everyone where i live has always called them dummies, and i was very entertained by your story btw. i had a pet guinne-pig named ginger. when i look back on it now i feel really sorry for the life he lived, the things i did..

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  11. Love it how I can picture your stories as I'm reading them- you're a great writer! I've never had rabbit before- had a lot of your other standard eating animals but never a rabbit! I bet they taste good since they mostly eat veggies and all. I hate trying on outfit after outfit before going out trying to find something that doesn't make me look fat- so on my 'fat' days I just sport workout clothes. I think mirror's screw with your mind as well! I swear, one mirror in my house makes me look pregnant and then another makes me look skinny, then the other ones are in between- so which does one believe?

    Happy New Year's Eve!

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  12. i sometimes think i went straight from a "nucki" (that's what we called our son's pacifier) to chewing the skin around my fingernails...is that possible?

    That baby rabbit photo is adorable, but not nearly as great as your drawings...Yowza!!

    My sister and i had pet rabbits when we were young too...kinda creeped me out for some reason...like guinea pigs do. Later in life i would have a weird roomate...i mean, really weird, who would keep rabbit in the freezer...and that wasn't what made her so strange.
    We also had two ducks and two turtles, numerous cats and the best pet of all, my collie, Mingo.

    Happy 2011!

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  13. Kazehana i love what you wrote! Delicious! Did you ever suck on a wet wash cloth? Yummy!

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  14. Haha Tracy, one of my best childhood friends called hers a nucki. And I've known many a child who like sucking on wet washcloths!

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  15. Well, I was still drinking from a bottle until I was 6 years old. Sure it was tea but I had to have my bottle everyday when I come home from school. My 3 year old younger brother gave up everything way before me so people were making fun of me and my bottle but I did not care. It was nice!!

    :-)

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  16. Bunnies are cute, I've never eaten them but I love having their cute little feet on my keychain hehehe..
    Happy New year's, hope you have fun today.

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  17. hahaha I love the tale of The Rabbit. Your illustrations are great as always. It's always nice to hear people call you skinny, even if they just sound crazy to you.
    The step-grandma is not quite as fun as she sounds. I mostly stopped visiting them with my sister because all they wanted to talk about was what terrible parents they think my dad and stepmom are.

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  18. Ok that picture is too cute, now I want to go out & buy a rabbit for a pet.

    My first pet was a guinea pig. I ended up having like 5 of them over the years, they never lived long (probably because I didn't know how to take care of them lol)... at least you got rid of the pacifier though, imagine still having issues with one of those things now?;)

    ED's do fuck with your head. While you think you're getting way too fat everyone else thinks you're getting way to skinny. Whose opinion can we possibly trust?!?

    PS-Wishing you a Happy New Year:) Hope you have something festive planned!

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  19. BAHAHAHA Omg you are such a little monster! Love it! I love little bunnies and could never eat one but hey, to each their own right?!

    Amen that ED's fuck with your head! It's fkn with mine everyday. Happy a fucking spectacular new years babe!

    xoxoxoxo p.s ur pics make me so happy!

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  20. hahahahah best story EVER!! that first picture of the bunny made me want to die - the cuteness was radiating out of my bloody computer!
    have a happy happy new year xxx

    p.s. we call pacifiers 'dummies' in my family too. i don't know whether that still means you're weird or not haha

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  21. hahaha baby bunnies are too cute!

    Dana xo

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  22. Mich, you just write the best posts... by the end I'm always laughing and sometimes crying and sometimes both at the same time! I hope you had a wonderful NYE celebration and are ready to bring on the new year.

    Personally, I love when people notice that I've lost weight (which never happens since I'm not losing fast enough and am not skinny enough to begin with) but man it messes with your head when you've been torturing yourself all day with negative thoughts..

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  23. '_'
    Poor bunny... that would scar anybody.. lol.
    I've always wanted a rabbit as a pet. But my cats would attack it. Nya. D:

    I love your posts. They're all so epic. XD

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  24. Is 'pacifier' American? 'Cos I've heard it (from the people over the sea), but never used it. To us, it's a dummy. It's the same with diaper (which I learnt about from the Rugrats, I think). It's a nappy! ;P
    'Pacifier' always makes me think of some sort of action Navy Seals guy...you know, enforcing peace with machine guns.

    Your rabbit tale is rather traumatic sounding. I feel slightly responsible if I in any way provoked the dregging up of this memory with tales of my own rabbit fears. Please don't hate me?? :)

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  25. i love rabbits (: and would never eat onee ! and when they qrow up they arn't qross or disctustinq.

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We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.