Winter is coming

I hope all of you had a lovely Christmas. I'm still recovering from the long weekend (emotionally and physically). I haven't had such an eventful four days in..... ....

.......

...in so long it's embarrassing.

This is going to be long, so I shall do my best to make it entertaining. The insanity did not stop for even a second.

Friday:

I had 2 apocalypse parties to attend, and in the weeks prior I was himming and hawing and bouncing back and forth in nonstop mental debate over which party I wanted to just stop at for a half hour, and which one would take up the rest of my night.

So for a while I kind of like(d{?}) this Boy, and he was throwing one of the parties. But it's been MONTHS and he hasn't even made the hint of a first move (though he seems interested) and I am a very fickle woman and--if you're a gentleman caller--once I get bored, you are fecked. So a month ago I would have planned the entire night around The Boy's party, but I ended up deciding to stop there on the way to the other party. I had planned on staying an hour, BUT found out that this kid I knew in high school was coming and he's an even bigger douchebag than he was ten years ago, so I was like EFF THAT, I'll catch y'all later, and left after 40 minutes.

Then I drove an hour down into the bowels of south-central Jersey for party number two, which was being held in a suite in a hotel (nothing fancy, I assure you). I don't hang out with Crazy L. as much as I would like, and hadn't seen a number of the others in that group in a while, so once I had enough xanax in my system to feel something other than terror at hanging out in groups of other humans, I was kind of excited about it.

Crazy L. insisted we all come prepped for the armageddon (because according to the invitations she sent out, we had each been specifically chosen based on our survival skills). I showed up in my old leather trenchcoat, for old time's sake (Crazy L. and I became friends in the Catholic high school, where I was so goth my wardrobe frequently got me suspended), and with my fake fur scarf-hood I'm pretty sure I looked like one of the Starks.

stolen from: http://kinematografie.tumblr.com/post/38290454317

I brought my favourite weapons as well (bowie knife and short sword), and was named one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (I'm War, obviously.... I'm still waiting for Crazy L. to post those photos...). We played a rather smut-oriented Truth or Dare card game, which we then stopped because it probably would have turned ugly. I drank like a half gallon of apple pie and somehow managed to NOT be drunk at the end of the night. And then, for reasons unknown, we all watched zombie porn, which should not exist. Ever.

Saturday:

I woke up at 6AM on the couch and could not go back to sleep, and since both bathrooms were behind [locked] bedroom doors, I shambled down to the hotel cafe to use the loo there (and got a number of alarmed stares, because I imagine I looked like a homeless person). Then I putzed around the hotel suite for as long as I could stand before starting to get over-bored (at like 9AM), at which point I started "cleaning", and made enough noise to wake everyone else up so I could shower.

I wore my new t-shirt:

Terre Haute Couture....

I went on an expedition for QuickChek coffee. (I'm an addict.)

Then we went to see The Hobbit, which was a good movie, but also very disappointing because that book really didn't need to be stretched out into three films.

...I also met a boy I kind of liked (we had met before, but only briefly). He's extremely dim, in an endearing sort of way (I'm a total sucker for the stupid ones). I ended up staying at Crazy L.'s hotel suite until like 11.00 that night (they had rented it for two nights) and totally bailed on Paul#2's annual heavy-metal themed Christmas party (because after last year I kind of never want to go that party again). I lied and told Paul#2 I had gotten a ride down to the hotel from someone else and they were too hungover to drive back home. Go me. I then promised him I would call him the following afternoon.

Because I didn't feel like going home (Idk why, just one of those moods), I took the longest possible route on mostly back roads and got home at like 1.30 AM.

Sunday:

Mum, Lil Sis, and I were to be going to a small gathering of family friends on Sunday night, and there was much drama surrounding those who would be there. I figured I should get out for a while before we went to that party.

My bff D. is home from Colorado, so we decided to go hiking. There's a spot in Bear Mountain I've been exploring, so I looked up the trails that are up there, chose one of the loops that explores the abandoned mines, and off we went.

Let's talk about how totally awesome the Parks Department is at organizing their trail markers.

According to the directions I got off the NY/NJ Trail Conference, we were to follow the Long Path (aqua trail blazes) until it joins the Dunning Trail (yellow blazes), then veer right to stay on the aqua trail until it meets a trail marked with red and white blazes. Specifically, white-with-little-red-triangle blazes.

Like this:

After just over an hour of hiking, we got to the spot where the aqua met the red-and-white. That high up, Bear Mountain & Harriman State Park were pretty well hammered by Superstorm Sauron, and there're huge trees down all over the feckin place. D and I had to do a fair bit of climbing over them to find the red-and-white trail, where we were supposed to go. We circled and climbed and doubled back and climbed and circled some more until finally we found the red-and-white trail, and began following it, hoping to see some ruins and whatnot before the red-and-white trail returned us to the parking lot.

A little ways down the trail, D. pointed out that these blazes had red circles on white,

rather than red triangles on white.

But we had searched the spot where the aqua trail met the red-and-white. We hadn't seen any other trails. And what kind of TOTAL MORON would put two different trails with the exact same colours and general design on their blazes right next to each other? That would be SILLY, right??!!?

Guess what.

They were two different trails.

After what seemed like far too long on the white-and-red-circle trail (the directions I had said we should have been back at the beginning within 2 and a half hours from the start of the hike, which means *I* should have completed that hike in less than 2 hours), I said I had a bad feeling about this trail with the ominous red circle instead of triangle. This bad feeling quadrupled when all of a sudden the red circles on the blazes vanished, and we were left with plain white trail blazes. And a big rock marked with a white blaze and a big "AT."

Know what that stands for?

Appalachian Trail.

Just to be clear:

So instead of getting on the short red-and-white trail that led back to the car, we got on the red-and-white-that-should-be-just-white trail that eventually leads to Maine.

I love Maine, but I don't really fancy walking there from New York in the dead of winter.

I discovered something about myself on Sunday afternoon. I discovered that I can run three miles through forested mountains in order to get out of said forest while the sun is still up. And I can do this without food or water, because I felt really guilty that D. also had to run several miles through the forest, so I gave her my food and water.

Fair play to her though, she kept up with me nearly the whole way back to the car and I have promised her an expensive dinner to make up for it.

We got back to the car about ten minutes before it got dark out (like a couple minutes before 5.00 PM). Once we left Bear Mountain and returned to the land of cell phone service, I discovered I had 13 new text messages:

Mum (3.48 PM): "Where are you?"

Paul#2 (3.56 PM): "So you're ignoring me now?"

Mum (4.02 PM): "We're leaving at 5."

Lil Sis (4.07 PM): "Mich?"

Lil Sis (4.10 PM): "ANSWER YOUR PHONE"

Mum (4.18 PM): "Why aren't you answering your phone? Are you ok???"

[I presume would have had several missed phone calls, but since there's no service down in yon forest, those calls would have gone straight to voicemail.]

Lil Sis (4.29 PM): "dude where are you mom's flipping out"

Mum (4.35 PM): "I'm calling the police."

Lil Sis (4.38 PM): "seriously answer your phone she's actually calling the police"

Paul #2 (4.39 PM): " >:( "

M. (4.40 PM): "OMG where are you what's going on your mom called me to see if you're with me and then [LilSis] called and they're flipping out are you dead?!?!?!"

Lil Sis (4.44 PM): "now mom's getting mad she thinks you're doing this on purpose"

Paul #2 (4.47 PM): "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE"

Mum (4.48 PM): "I guess that means you're bailing on [friend's] party. Nice of you to let me know."

Three Motrin, 1 mg of alprazolam, and 20 minutes later, I had Mum, Lil Sis, and M all calmed down (though Mum and Lil Sis were still angry that I was making them late to a party they didn't even want to go to in the first place). I called Paul #2 from the car and we ended up talking the whole ride to Friend's house (like 30 mins) and I told him how much this year has sucked (we hadn't spoken much since May), and towards the end of the convo I mentioned The Boy that I had been liking for some time.

(If you don't know who Paul #2 is, you can get up to speed by reading here, here, and here. The shorter version: basically the two of us were set up on a blind date several years ago and discovered we don't really like each other, but for some inexplicable reason are still drawn to one another's company, and occasionally touch each other because we both enjoy that sort of thing with no strings attached. As in no jealousy or anything remotely close to jealousy when one of us touches someone else.

Paul #2 is now jealous. He's never been jealous before.

I can't deal with this sort of thing, so I'm doing what I do best and pretending it doesn't exist.

Which is why I ended up drinking a full bottle of pinot grigio and half a bottle of Veuve Clicquot at the party, all on an empty stomach because absolutely everything our friends served had cheese in it. I think at one point I may have accidentally kicked one of the wienie dogs (the ones I babysit when our friends go away). Then I did what any responsible sh*tfaced adult would do and spent most of the party talking to the children.

I took one of the children home for a sleepover (she's 14; last time I saw her she was 5 and screaming her head off because she didn't want me to leave). We stayed up until 2 AM watching movies on Netflix. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or bad thing that she chose that over hanging out with Lil Sis and her college friends, who were going to another party.

Monday - Christmas Eve:

I had the day off work and planned to spend it baking. Then at around noon, our house received two phone calls that nearly tipped me over the edge.

First: M. called to ask if he and his Mom were still invited to Christmas dinner.

We had invited them months ago, but M. had said they'd rather have a quiet Christmas on their own (both of them are going through some serious issues that make my issues look like a pleasant massage). But I guess they changed their minds at the last minute. I was totally fine with this, as we had plenty of food to give them dinner.

But I had no presents for them.

Second: Big Sis #2 called to say she was NOT coming over early on Christmas day as she had planned, but was instead going to our father's.

This is still raising my blood pressure every time I think about it. I think it may actually have raised my blood pressure permanently to a steadily normal level instead of its usual dangerous low.

Y'all remember Thanksgiving? When Big Sis#2 was UNinvited to dinner?? She swore then that she would not under any circumstances be visiting with our father for Christmas (which I think she was right because Dad and Step-Mom treated her like garbage that day). And Big Sis#2 said she would come to spend the whole of Christmas with Mum, Lil Sis, and me--something we have been trying to get her to do for years.

So at the last possible moment, AFTER we had already picked up the 18 lb turkey from the farm, Big Sis#2 ditches us for Dad.

Even if I hadn't had to pause in my baking to get M and his mother gifts, I would have had to stop. I left the mince for the mince pies to cook in the crock pot, said FECK IT to all the other things I had planned to make, took some more xanax,

and went shopping.

On Christmas Eve.

While I was doing this, Mum was pacing up and down the house trying to decide how exactly to tell Big Sis# to go feck herself and not come over for Christmas at all. Lil Sis had already fled the scene with the child we had brought home from the party, and they went shopping as well. (They went to the GSP; even I'm not that crazy.)

My shopping was a success, but then when I got home I realized oh feck, if Big Sis#2 isn't coming to Christmas, we're not going to have the other desserts.

I had only made the mince pies.

And thus the greatest dessert of all time was birthed from Mich's brain:

Two-Ingredient-Trifle.

You will need:

- one package Oreos (I used reduced fat)

- one 16 oz tub Cool Whip (also reduced fat)

To make it, I threw all the Oreos into the food processor until they were naught but crumbs. Then, in a decent-sized bowl, I layered a small layer of Cool Whip, then a layer of Oreo, then a layer of Cool Whip, etc. etc. until both the Oreos and Cool Whip were gone.

I forgot to take a photo of it after, but here I angled the leftovers so you can kind of see what it looked like:

with some cinnamon and ginger sprinkled on top

 Later that afternoon, M. called and said he had to work until about 4.00 on Christmas Day, and was it ok if he and his Mom came over after that. We decided to change Christmas dinner from 2.00 to 4.30 (for M and his Mom, NOT for BigSis#2), and then we called Big Sis#2 and told her and she decided to come for dinner after all.

Mum and I treated ourselves to dinner at Xaviar's that night. We felt we deserved it.

The venison was DELICIOUS.

Tuesday - Christmas Day:

Santa was very good to Mich this year:

Mum and I were sauced by noon. Mum spent the entire day playing with the new ipad we got her. I cooked everything but the stuffing (a pork & apricot stuffing, Mum's specialty). Between me, Big Sis#2, and our Jewish friends who always come for Christmas, we had nine desserts. I had a glorious time soaking the Christmas pudding in brandy and then setting it on fire in the middle of the dining room.

And of all the desserts--mince pies, Christmas pudding, fruit cake, Big Sis#2's mince bars, a chocolate cake, an apple pie, cranberry-pistachio biscotti, various cookies, and the 2-ingredient trifle--guess which one was destroyed the fastest?

In under 5 minutes. And everyone kept coming back for more. Even Mum, who doesn't even like desserts that much.

Then after dessert we played with M's Christmas present to us, which was by far our favourite thing ever: a roku.

We watched Mrs. Brown's Boys. Mum, M., and myself went through 4 bottles of wine, 3 bottles of champagne, and the rest of the apple pie.

And that is all I remember.

What about the rest of you? Regale me with tales of your holiday shenanigans!