Thursday, May 3, 2012

I see you've chosen to lose your way.


Thank you all for your kind comments on that last post. I had a rough week, but things are looking better now. My new bow and arrows help. :D


I was going to do a post like that one Amber did ages ago, basically complaining about all my various pet peeves. But most of the ones I came up with are things that piss everybody off (tailgaters, children without manners, racists, animal abusers, etc.), so I thought making a post about it might be redundant in the grand scheme of things.

So instead--aided and inspired by Lil' Sis--I have compiled a list of weird things that piss me off and/or freak me out, and--according to Lil' Sis--are contributing factors to what makes me certifiable. 

8. Human Hair.
As I child, I was apparently so disturbed by and terrified of hair (especially other people's), I would freak the eff out if, for example, I had a stray hair on my sleeve, and would run screaming to the nearest adult, so that said hair could be removed.

It's not so much of an issue anymore, except when it comes to Little Sis. For some unfathomable reason, she is incapable of removing her hair from the drain after taking a shower. This causes intense arguments in my house at least twice a week.

7. Having my blood pressure checked.
I would rather have ten shots, or even twenty, than have that thing wrapped around my arm. I don't know what it is, but even the thought of it makes me go all shivery and heebie-jeebie, so I'm going to have to move on because I donwannatalkaboutit.

6. People who are really into politics.
This is probably a common pet peeve, but I'm going to complain about it anyway. You know the kind of person I mean--they could be extreme right-wing New-World-Order-Conspiracy-Theorists, environmental terrorist sympathizers, republicans, democrats, hippies, Cthulhu worshipers, whatever--they all drive me nuts because for some reason they MUST get IN YOUR FACE about what they think and why, and they'll argue with you until you're laying on the floor sobbing and begging for death. I know people get intense like this about lots of things other than politics, but it's the political ones that tend to piss me off simply because they JUST . WON'T . STOP.

Like at Easter dinner, when Stepmom decided to start telling me why I should must do it or die and vote republican this year because Obama is ruining America and blah blah blah. And despite the fact that I did not argue, that I did not really comment, and all I did was to say that I really have no interest in politics and couldn't tell you one candidate from the other, she K E P T  G O I N G. The woman who is about as close to the stereotypical Susie-Homemaker happy sunshine and smiles mother housewife got in my face and raised her voice at me because I did not leap up and proudly declare my agreement with her political opinions.

And for the first time in my 27 years, I took a stern tone with my stepmother and told her that I really didn't appreciate her behavior. She apologized to me before I left to go home, so we're good....

....anyway, moving on....

5. Lilies.
As in the flower. I hate the way they look. I REALLY REALLY HATE the way they smell. I know lots of people find it to be a pleasant flowery sort of scent, but when I smell lilies I immediately think of dead people. Specifically, dead relatives who should not have died at age 19. Sure there are a few other flowers I don't really like that much--irises, impatiens, tulips--but if someone happened to bring me a bouquet of those I would politely accept it and put the flowers in a vase in the kitchen.

But bring me lilies and those disgusting things are going straight out on the compost heap.

4. These people:

A good book is a good book, asshole. Regardless of the size and ages of its fanbase, or the number of Hollywood deals it has generated. Just because you might not like doesn't mean it's a bad book, or that the author of that book didn't work intensely hard to write it. 

3. Even worse are these people:

I get this a lot, because apparently my neutral facial expression is one of intense anger. Perhaps it's a hint of what lurks just under the surface, because every time some random stranger (and 99% of the time it's a man) tells me to smile, I want to punch them in the face. And not because they're inconveniencing me personally in any way, but because if they're the sort of person who feels the need to tell random unhappy-looking strangers to smile and be happy, eventually they're going to say it to someone who has a very legitimate reason NOT to smile.


2. Cheese.
I know I've mentioned it before, but I seem to have to explain this to lots of people very often because FOR SOME BLOODY REASON there's cheese in almost every fricking thing ever when you go out to eat; or go to eat at a friend's house; or the worst ever: when you've been on an airplane for nearly 8 hours and the only options are a sandwich with chicken and cheese, or a sandwich with just cheese.

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE.
You're eating smelly sh*t that's made with the combined forces of slaughtered baby cows' stomachs and milk that's so sour it's actually solid. I just don't get it. Even the mere sight of cheese makes me gag uncontrollably, and I can no longer be in a room if there is strong-smelling cheese, or cooking cheese. I actually had to the flee the restaurant where Lil' Sis wanted to have her 8th grade graduation dinner because the odor of cheese was so bad I almost vomited all over the hostess.

1. Markers.
You could shred a chalkboard with your nails in front of me. You could scrape your knife and fork on your plate until you're blue in the face. I don't mind.
But dear god PLEASE don't

press that marker to the paper

so forcefully that it makes

that AWFUL

squeak.

There is no faster or more effective way to get Mich to leave a room.


Like for real, that noise can bring me to the point of a seizure.


I had many a run in with teachers over this issue when I was younger. I'm not sure when my hatred of that accursed noise reached its peak, but it came to the point in high school that I would walk out of a classroom if someone was using a marker and pressing it too hard. During my nannying years, all children under my care were strictly banned from colouring with markers. No exceptions. At work (and in all previous office jobs I've ever had), I have removed all markers and felt tip pens and hidden them where Boss can't find them.


...
......One thing is for certain--I am probably going to have very interesting children...

I have discovered a new band, and I'm in love. 


23 comments:

  1. Politics people. Like my grandmother who shoots foxes (because one ate Darrell The Duck and you're not supposed to do that) and thinks Sarah Palin can write books. Oh lordy.
    Also I hate smile people too. Maybe I just don't feel like grinning like a mental toddler? No? It's okay, I'm sure you'll leave me alone when I start yelling that I need an adult (:

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  2. Is that politics guy wearing a Cthulu shirt? I think I'd prefer that over either of the two majority parties right now.

    p.s. cheese is awesome! no baby cow stomachs needed, just mama cows milk... slightly tangy, not putrid or anything.

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  3. *IEEE!* at your anti-literary snobbery. I mostly read classics in gradeschool, I can enjoy me some Harry Potter in my 20's if I want.

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  4. Couldn't agree more with 3. but so wrong on 2., 8. and 5. are....weird but then most of us are!

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  5. While I find the sound of markers to be annoying I don't think it can push me that far. I hate it when people tell me to smile, and literary snobs. Political people aren't so bad as long as they know what they're talking about and so very few of them do. However I like lilies and cheese. Some people like that lilies remind them of death.

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  6. Awesome illustrations as always Mich, I'm with you on the literary snobbery, the politics thing and of course human hair. There's nothing I hated more as a child than some jerk trying to pluck my hair, the fact that we can probably clone people with their hair in the future just creeps me out so much, it makes me feel weird. Anyway I'm glad to see you posting again and to hear you're feeling better today Mich, keep up with these good spirits!

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  7. I loved this! I have a serious phobia about clusters of dots. I automatically imagine them as some sort of skin disease on ME... and get the heebie jeebies.

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  8. I love Wovenhand! Have you listened to his old band, 16 Horsepower? They were one of my favs in my punk/goth/weirdo days.

    I stopped eating cheese for a long ass time after finding out how they make it. For reals I LOLed so hard at the marker thing.

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  9. Ha ha loved all your 'hates'. I always get told "Smile, it might never happen!" when I am perfectly happy. Until the stupid person said that and then I feel an uncontrollable urge to punch them. You sound as weird as I am. Good to have more of us out there (and I have a friend who will insist on talking politics the whole time - I have learnt to ignore her when she does this!).

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  10. I have missed you! I hate the screech of chalk on a black board it makes me die!!! Can't stand it! I LOVE cheese :O xxx

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  11. How did Kevin Bacon not make this list?

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  12. Oh crap, I shed everywhere. I'm going to be extra-careful about checking your blanket for stray hairs after I block it!

    Tiger Lilies are pretty, but I've never liked the smell of any of them. I always think the white ones are fake and rip them to bits by accident :x

    Awww crap, so I can't cook you my heart-attack mac&cheese or venison lasagne? SAD PANDA! :p It's cool, there are plenty of Kiwi delicacies that don't require cheese. (This just means there is more cheese in the world for me! Muahahaha!) I'll put you in the same brain-basket as Miles, since he's allergic to one of the dairy proteins. Not sure which one, but it gives him a histamine reaction. very weird.

    I don't mind the markers, but metal-on-metal makes me want to hit things. Same with high-pitched kid screams. Something about how my eardrum grew back means high pitched noises cause actual pain. Ick.

    One of my favourite discoveries on YouTube is a documentary about returned soldiers in America who are partnered with a dog from the pound who would otherwise be put down. One of the veterans said that the dog was the only person he felt OK talking to about what he'd experienced, coz the dog wouldn't judge him.

    It is very, very tempting, but I want to see the look on Mum's face when I give her this shawl for her 50th. It's the Tortuga pattern from Ravelry done in Austen Powers-themed acrylic. Hideous and gorgeous. After that hopefully the DHB people have done something :/

    Lol, I have no requests. Grannie Annie's sweet shop is very good about importing all sorts of weird and wonderful American candy. Seriously, you guys have the best junk food! I'm so jealous :p

    Take care and stay warm. Thank you for the awesome comments. There are no words for how amazing you are.

    Arohanui *hugs*

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  13. Spooky's DarlingMay 5, 2012 at 7:24 AM

    Bands sounds très fantastique!!!

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  14. or space...how is space not on here? I almost posted a picture of a nebula just to fuck with you, but I love you too much.

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  15. I seriously thought I was the only person who hates that noise markers make. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone!

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  16. The way you wrote that I could hear and feel the sound of that screeching marker. I'm with you on the politics and the literary types. These are generally people you never want to invite to a party because they're worse drunk than they are sober.

    I love lilies though. I've about 60 in my gardens and they are stunning to look at. They perfume the air and bring in the butterflies. They're second only to my roses. They also photograph beautifully.

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  17. I hate hair in the shower drain. I go there in the morning, and realize I'm standing in a swimming pool after 5 mins until I clean it out.

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  18. I don't mind most of these peeves. And the way I deal with those annoying politic maniacs is just troll the ever loving crap out of them. I get them so mad, they never talk to me about it, again.

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  19. Oh, Mich, i love this!

    Just when i think you can't do a more amazing and hilarious post, along comes this one! And the pictures are to die for!

    Lucky thing you aren't around here. (Much to my dismay!). Between Son and i, the way our hair falls out, it's a miracle we aren't both bald!

    i hate petunias. Probably because we had to plant them e v e r y Spring when i was a kid.

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  20. Ugh, totally with you on the smile thing. I HATE it when people say that. They're my fucking facial muscles, I'll do what I please with them thanks.

    I love your blog so much. Always smiles to my face <3

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  21. Heres a horror movie idea for you: loose strans of hair that fly at people and land on there shirts!! The horror!! add in lots of close up shots of the hair on peoples shoulders!! The terror!!

    Are you sure you just don't hate people with crappy political views? have you ever heard a person with a great political view for the world? (realizing all conventional political views in our world are inharenty corrupted) I have, it can be great to listen to someone when their "political" ideas make logical sense and would actually solve all the problems people are having the world over!! (its just most politicians are retards and their political views are just as retarded!)

    Also you being bothered by people telling you to smile makes total sense, I think the guys might be telling you to "smile" so that they can see an attractive blonde woman smile, which they can then think about later while at home... yes for that reason... guys are pigs...

    Great post as usual, and like usual your art work is fantastic! - oh and some of the weirdest people I've ever met, who have kids, have some of the most normal well ajusted kids I've ever seen!

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  22. Terrific post as usual, Mich! I'm with you on the "smiling" thing. I'm a waitress & usually I'm all Miss Smiles because that's the only way to get by at that job in my town. Today I wasn't feeling it for a moment, & one of the customers said, "Smile! It makes the day go faster." I ALMOST punched him and/or told him to fu** off. Grr.

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  23. I actually really like the marker pen noise, like to the point where I deliberately make it :P I totally get the blood preasure thing though - I don't trust them to put the band round my arm when they take blood because I'm worried they will put it on too tight and I'll have to have my arm amputated! I don't get people's problem with hair, dead skin, toenails, feet or used chewing gum though - I just don't find any of that stuff gross :P
    Lottie x

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We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.