Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Lend me ten pounds, I'll buy you a drink.


A real post!! Sort of.... 
As always, I feel like a bad blogger. I just don't have as much time for it as I'd like what with work and writing and TV and making sure Lil Sis never has too much fun partying at Rutgers

Since I got rid of the security thingy for the comments (I had to; those things make me feel like I've lost my mind),

I've been getting a lot of spam comments. Blogger catches all of them, because apparently the spammers are all morons and never take the time to even try to learn English and/or not sound like a robot. Usually it's something like this:

"It's the best time to make some plans for the future and it is time to be happy. I've read this post and if I could I desire to suggest you few interesting things or suggestions. Maybe you could write next articles referring to this article. I desire to read even more things about it! Stop by my web site; engineering internship" 

and then a link to some website

Today brought my favourite one ever:

"forum warned of 'C breathe' Google hit with a prediction intent stay at this horizontal or possibly hiding place farther and get slaveless skin You'll always create by mental act halt on top of that, a large status Your 60s: A place beachlike 3 Shares the FTSE Should mystify 24-hour interval BP Lifts bonus by 12.5% My list Edit RSS feeds supercharged by Image: Hera are 5 hurried course to the publisher Costliest U.S. Catastrophes tip germane disasters can hit with teeny dissuasive. Here are the top of the creation knows they should be added to Wed if benefactor Ben introduces QE 3 we are expiration higher now which instrumentation you can yield to shut away off for unrestrained to see what happens!.They individual visited our management is crossways the administrative division, and millions bear been ineffectual to depute their trust ins report can rack on the grip. No search hard has oversubscribed the game and may be tacked with the IOC of the key results would fuck doubled in regard when the develop could end up in any securities mentioned above: MA change out how to guess a compile's prox presentation.
There is elfin other to business deal and benefit from your investing in open universities in Asian nation eruditeness programme manikin 275 KB (PDF) Association of Southeast Asian Nations holdfast quick Rules of Bursa Asian nation Rules sac Malaya database Requirements sac Asian nation erudition is now a days. They make out these conversations, my friends who forfeit his job. Sell: No so much recommendation.
Sponsored golf course: sheet Stats : 290 members
/ 1656 guests (24 hrs) Rambus, Inc."

Umm what

Their link is for some site that sells recommendations on penny stocks. Armed with that single piece of intelligible information, I will now translate what these people are trying to say:

Dear Potential Customer,

Google (also known as The Oracle) has predicted that if you remain in a horizontal position in an unspecified far away hiding spot, you will achieve your ultimate dream of getting Slaveless Skin. Unfortunately, your resulting high social status won't be much use to you because you will age 60 years overnight and all your brain functions will shut down.
I don't know why we're levitating; just go with it. And those are the slaves falling off, in case you couldn't tell. 
 Also say goodbye to your timeshared beach property, because the combined forces of the London Stock Exchange and BP are going to hypnotize you and convince you to hand over your now super-powered beach property to Hera, Queen of the Gods, who is going to sell said property in order to fund the self-publishing of her upcoming book--The Germane Guide to the Most Expensive Teeny Disasters in United States History.

On an unrelated note, God approves of Ben Bernanke's opinion on the US's next attempt at economic stimulation, even though this attempt will inevitably lead to the apocalypse. In fact, God visited our management office the other day, and the administrative offices, which are across the hall from management, to congratulate us on the millions of bears currently employed by our company. Even though we admit they are somewhat ineffectual at their jobs, every single one of those bears could crush your skull with their incredible grip.

[The following sentence is vulgar and I refuse to translate it.]

By using our products and services, the Elves have now assumed control over all of the Asian Nations. Their golf course is glorious.


I hope all of you in the US have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Mine should be interesting, as Stepmom has decided we're going out to eat (which is the holiday-heresy equivalent of burning down a church while wearing a Satan costume and having an orgy in the church's front garden) because apparently she doesn't feel like shopping/cooking/cleaning. And apparently she feels that Big Sis#2 and I are too incompetent to do it ourselves because there was no discussion of possible alternatives. Oh and also apparently Big Sis#2's incompetence merits Stepmom inviting her and then UNINVITING her to dinner, so now Big Sis#2 is not speaking to Dad or Stepmom and can you tell how totally awesome and exciting Thanksgiving is going to be this year because I sure can and let me tell you I am super stoked. 

-______________________________-


13 comments:

  1. You're insane and I love it. The bear picture is my new cell phone wallpaper.

    It sounds like you need some strong liquor for Thanksgiving. Wanna trade? I'll take your stepmother, you can have my mother-in-law.

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  2. Grrr evil stepmother! She's part of the reason why so many people have to work on Thanksgiving! Restaurants and retail stores are not critical services. Grrrr. I have to work Thanksgiving. At least my job closes in the evening so I might catch pie. Sucks to be walmart workers :(
    Annoying baby sisters is fun ^_^
    Wahaha great job translating the spam! Feel free to do it again once in a while.
    *big hugs*

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  3. I hate spammers so much so this really made me laugh although it's great that they never defeat Google's robot. Love your translation job, really made me laugh, some of those comments are so stupid. That captcha in the photo really made me laugh though, how would you even begin to go about asking that?

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  4. Sorry about the familirial troubles. I hope that Thanksgiving goes well, despite the troubles surrounding it. I absolutely hate capcha so I don't have it. If a blog is good enough, I'll deal with it, but I don't enjoy doing it. I barely get any spam, I feel so unloved :(

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  5. I didn't understand one bit of this post but enjoyed the pictures. Hope your thanksgiving is a great one! :)

    Emily

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  6. Glad you were able to turn that weird spam into a cool blog post!

    The reason they sound like robots is cause they are robots. Thats why they can't to the security question, cause they can't see the writing. Don't go to the site they link too, I did that once and now I get endless comments!

    Check out my comment section from my "Topper Returns Video Review post"

    http://bersercules.blogspot.ca/2012/04/topper-returns-video-review.html
    (I hope you don't think this comment is spam cause I've linked to something)
    About a 131 spam comments in half a year!! At first I was commenting snidly on them, but that would carry on forever!

    So don't make my mistake! Don't go to where they link too! That just brings more!

    (and yes my spam folder catches them all, but I mark them as not spam and publish them, cause I'm that kind of guy!)

    I hope you have a great Thanksgiving!

    And how have you been liking the new season of The Walking Dead?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Well the elves couldn't be content with just New Zealand forever now, could they? If they're like the British, in a few hundred years they'll be calling four dozen other countries "the colonies" and half the world will be elfish bilingual.

    Oy, UNINVITING family to a holiday?! I have no words.

    BTW, you and AHS have officially ruined my childhood too. I keep hearing "That'll do pig. Panties."

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  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  9. I could barely translate that message. At all. But I like your translation and your book cover.
    Hopefully, your Thanksgiving will be nice.
    Er, and sorry for the deleted message. I misspelled a word. Blame the OCD. >.>

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  10. I'm sorry, Elrond shrieking at his golf course broke me. There is a damn good reason I stay away from the local golf courses! Too many elves yelling at each other and trying to convince the trees to give back their balls. I can't take it seriously enough when I'm thrashing about on the green in hysterics.

    (And I hate golf)

    Oh man. Thanksgiving. I do NOT envy you guys the hassle that comes with it. Christmas is more than enough family hassle for me! Sending you some moral support and a reminder that if you need to flee the country for a bit you have my couch, my internet connection and a nice hiding space in the roof if you're running from the cops :p

    I must insist on unedited, simply because it is. As for the rest I'll shut up and take it.

    Arohanui <3

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  11. Has she SEEN the things you make?! I bet your thanksgiving meal would be awesome. Pfft to her and her shenanigans.

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  12. your parental units are broken. please return them in their original packaging with or without receipts to the manufacturer. they are not covered by warranty, but you will be issued the option to marry into a family with fully functional models. thank you,

    the tech dept.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oooooooooooooooooooooooomg. I got a Twitter mention like that last week:
    iva knox ‏@ivaknox5
    hi is there @CapriGald37 still available spots in the income club? My uncle @mynamehere is in it and doing amazing

    I replied "@ivaknox5 @CapriGald37 bahahahahaha SPAM! I clearly am a woman. With boobs like this, there's no way I'm your uncle."

    I know there won't be any recognition of my sweet come back, but it made me laugh.

    ReplyDelete

We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.