Tuesday, August 23, 2011

No tears, please. It's a waste of good suffering.

I'm really impressed with myself at the general coherence of Saturday's cat post. Because I was WASTED. Went to din with Mum and Step-dad (idk.... this week they're friendly again because the doctor told him he's dying again, and has a year to live [again?], so Mum feels bad for him... again. It won't last because inevitably he will turn back into his usual nasty verbally abusive self.) But yeah it gets kind of awkward going out with the two of them as opposed to just going out with Mum, and I had not eaten anything all day except for an egg on a piece of safe bread, so drinking three glasses of Pinot Grigio in a short period of time ended in me totally fluthered. 

And then I got into a texting argument with Paul#2. He wanted me to come over (that usually means he's drunk and looking for some @ss, or he's trying to pass me off onto one of his friends and I AM SO DONE WITH THAT SH*T). I declined, saying I already had plans to go hang out at Friend's new apartment and maybe we could hang next weekend (which was true, except Friend ended up bailing because she had to work late, but I never told P2 that because by then it was late anyway). Then he gets all pissy saying that I always bail when we try to plan to hang out, and that I never come over anymore and blah blah blah whinge whinge whinge whinge.... 

I started to get mad because not once has P2 EVER driven up to hang out with me close to my house. He didn't even make an effort to come hang out for my last two birthdays. Oh it's too far? You don't feel like having to drive home late? Or you don't want to come because you won't be able to drink too much?? 



Ugh. I'm really sick of people. But I'll get back to that...

So yesterday (Monday), in my never-ending quest for normal sleeping patterns, I went for acupuncture. I had never been acupunctured before, and was rather excited. One of Mum's friends recommended the lady (Tammy, who is Chinese, and fabulous), and said that she treats insomnia, so I thought what the heck. Let's give it a go. 

I was like REALLY excited about this. The way I saw it, acupuncture is like self-harm that is socially acceptable. But I would discover that my expectations were not quite realistic. 

I didn't feel a thing. Not so much as the equivalent of a mosquito bite.

I kept silent though, as I figured she might question my mental state if I suggested she employ the use of some knitting needles and a hammer. 

It wasn't unpleasant--Tammy put on nice relaxing music, put one of those lavender-filled beanbag things on my face, poked me in the arms, hands, head, legs, and feet with miniscule needles, and massaged my arms and legs afterwards. Apparently my chi is weak, and I have a lot of fire in me.

She gave me some herbs:
not a clue
When she suggested "herbs," I had expected something that smelled worse than Valerian root and tasted like a sewer, but I was pleasantly surprised. Those things smell faintly of ginger snaps, and have no taste. 

(And she said she was starting me off on the children's dose, because I'm so small.) 

 So not a bad experience altogether. 

Afterwards, I went home, went to the gym, skipped dinner (and am somehow GAINING weight even though I haven't binged in 8 days?!?!), and--as Tammy instructed--took the nighttime dose of herbal supplements and soaked my feet in hot water half an hour before bedtime. 

I did not expect a miracle cure for insomnia. I figured acupuncture is the sort of thing that would build up effectiveness over time. Sure I was completely open to whatever positive effects it might have on me, but I did not expect that I would suddenly and miraculously be able to fall asleep in a reasonable amount of time and remain asleep for the duration of the night. 

However, I did not expect that I would not be able to sleep AT ALL even after taking my usual sleep meds. Nor did I expect the intense chest pain and racing heart that occurred about 20 minutes after I took my sleeping pills. I was tossing and turning and panicking because I thought I was having a heart attack until I finally fell into a weird half-sleep around 4.00 in the morning. 

And then the Mother of All Nightmares began. 

I'm not going into details. I can't bring myself to write it all down again (it went straight into the dream diary this morning). It involved me slowly losing my mind as a result of not being able to sleep, and ended in me being committed to a mental hospital and injected full of sedatives (which was not all that bad in general, but there was something deeply horrifying about the dream as a whole). 

That was hands down one of the most vivid dreams I have ever had in my life. To the point where I am STILL checking the sides of my neck for the 2nd and 3rd degree burns that were in the dream. And I still get the faint sensation that the skin there on my neck is stiff and numb and kind of achy. I don't think she even stuck any needles in my neck. 

I heard that this sort of thing can be a normal side effect, so I'll go back for a few more sessions and see how it goes...

...Getting back to feeling sick of people....
I think I might take a weekend and go off into the woods alone. I've been checking out the KOA website. I would rent the cheapest one-room cabin they have (no running water or bathroom) and just be a hermit for a few days. I'm thinking the most remote one I can find in New York, New Hampshire, or Maine. 

Will think about that as something to do for the upcoming weekends weekends....

Hope you all survived the earthquake! <3


  1. P2 sounds like an arrogant asswipe. :/

    The camping idea sounds great! I hope you get to do it. You better document the whole thing and share it with us.

  2. Totally understand the not having a normal sleeping pattern, I have been all over the place. I think you should try the acupuncture thing again and this time talk to her about the sleeping pills. I would assume that with the herbs and stuff you wouldn't want to take the sleeping pills but who knows.

    Good luck with the whole Walden Pond exertion! Sounds great, wish I could join you. Though I guess that would defeat the point, huh?



    Worst thing you can do to yourself. If you're doing accupuncture, you have to let your system acclimate to the weird voodoo shit they give you. Don't put anything else in that mix.

    P2 is a tool. Punch him and tell him a hobo kidney is worth more than his free time.

  4. I'm thinking the sleep meds and the herbs had a fight inside your brain.
    P2 is an asshole. He just wants to use you as his personal toy anyway. He can fuck himself. You deserve better.

  5. wow p2 sounds like a real douche. What a time waster.

    Maybe you should do some further research into the herbs your taking and their interactions with your sleeping pills. Even if it's a natural supplement it can still have negative interactions with other drugs, and be quite dangerous. I'd do some online research if I were you and make sure tammy and your docter both know about each other and get their advice before taking more.

  6. Who knew the business of getting a decent night's sleep would be such a tricky one?! I hope it all gets sorted soon, so you can rest.

    If you do go to the woods this weekend, I hope you have a lovely time and that you see lots of birdie-birds! Speaking of which, I thought you could use some cuteness! Beware, major squee-fest ahead!



    Love you. :)

  7. 0.0; Did you find out what was in the herbal compound and how it would react with your meds before taking it? DID YOU????

    Bloody hell, Mich. That shit could have killed you! DON'T EVER TAKE SHIT WITHOUT RESEARCHING IT AGAIN!!!

    Also: I'm on the nightmare bandwagon too. Last night it was a repeat of an old Sigourney-Weaver-Aliens dream, but this time I had superpowers AND there were zombies to contend with. Zombies AND chest-bursting alien horrors, but at least I was impervious to acid -.-;


  8. I agree with Kazehana. Be very very very very very careful when mixing herbal medicines with other meds. Always try to find out how they might interact, PLEASE. You're too nice to end up as one of those folks who offs herself by mistake.

  9. Poo. Blogger ate my brillant comment.

    Something about Pinhead doing accupunture...and please be careful when mixing ingred's...and i love you.

    And your pic's are amazing, as always!

    Thanks for your comment on my blob...hee! Maybe i should update!


  10. PS Please don't go solo camping this weekend!

    Ummmm, was that comment too obvious??

  11. just caught up on your blog after my month in edinburgh!

    you poor poppet :( i get nasty vivid nightmares as well sometimes, for me its always a sign that ana is returning. normally when it gets bad, this fucking weird, naked, emaciated old woman comes and smiles in my face with her big yellow teeth before strangling me until i wake up :S

    dont let stuff get you too down :) you are a beautiful girl and a talented writer!

    xXxXx <3


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