Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.


Thanks for all your kind words on the last post. Cousin C seems to be doing better now with the antibiotics, and Cousin N seems to be back to her usual whining-spoiled-brat self, which leads us to believe that she is feeling better. I am also feeling a bit better. ...or at least, slightly less like a psychopath.

MOVING ON

Because I love Kazehana dearly (OMG 17 DAYS :O), I am now going to continue that post I did about my weird pet peeves. This one particular phobia of mine needs a post all of its own for me to properly explain it.

I like to think of myself as a pretty fearless person, in general. Not much scares me. Few things even make me nervous. And the things that do make me a bit nervous, I still try my darndest to master the fear and deal with it. (Like in the case of airplanes.) Spiders, snakes, head-on collisions, illness, bill collectors, burglars, mountain lions--these things don't really scare me.

But one thing does really scare me.


A lot.


Like really, it leaves me so terrified that I can be reduced to a shaking, incoherent wreck.


TERRIFIED.



I don't even like talking about it. Or thinking about it.



Just doing this post required a hefty dose of alprazolam.



The thing what scares me most...



.........



.....

...is Kevin Bacon.


You don't even want to know how much xanax I needed for that google image search.

But it is through Kevin Bacon, and my fear of him, that I came to believe that God actually exists. Because God knows I'm afraid of K.B., and God really REALLY likes to f*ck with me.

It started small. As much as he freaks me out, I must admit that Kevin Bacon is in a lot of really good movies. Like The River Wild (which made me develop a fear of white water rafting because Kevin Bacon might leap into your raft and take you hostage), Tremors (which for a good two months made me afraid of going outside, in general), A Few Good Men, Murder in the First (that's the one responsible for the Fear getting really bad, but I'll get to that...), Sleepers, Trapped (DEAR GOD NIGHTMARES FOR WEEKS), Stir of Echoes, The Mystic River, and

Wild Things. Particularly, the end of Wild Things.

Scarred for life.

So when I was like twelve or thirteen and the Fear wasn't quite a phobia yet, my Cousin F went through a Christian Slater phase.
(Yeah I'm not sure either.)

That summer she came out to stay with us for a couple weeks in June before I went back to Ireland with her until September, and pretty much every day we walked to the Super Video Store so she could rent another Christian Slater movie.

Heathers is still one of my fav movies. But after that, I was forced to sit through Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (which at least had Michael Wincott, so wasn't too bad), Pump up the Volume, Broken Arrow, Bed of Roses (omg RUBBISH), and Murder in the First.

And then for some reason, Cousin F decided she wanted to switch to watching nothing but Kevin Bacon movies.

This carried over into our return to Ireland, where--praise be to God--the local video rental shop only ever had like 10 movies in stock, so the K.B. watching was limited after that first hellish week. But I still had to sit through Apollo 13.

My other big phobia is space. Like it's almost at the same level as my Fear of Kevin Bacon.

Kazehana made me this nice picture when she found out both of those fears:

The next ten years of my life saw Kevin Bacon popping up during my day to day activities ALL THE FREAKING TIME. Like almost every time I turned on the telly: Kevin Bacon movie. There was even this one time I was sleeping at a friend's house after a night of heavy drinking--I woke up around 3.30 AM (which should not have happened after the amount of alcohol I consumed; normally I would have slept soundly for at least 8 hours) and I glanced at the TV, which we had forgotten to turn off, and

there was mothereffing Kevin Bacon. On the screen. With the giant horrifyingly empty void of space in the window behind him.

A couple years ago, Cousin F came out for a couple weeks in the autumn. She wanted to go into New York City (she always does, to my utter confusion) and see some touristy things. In particular she wanted to see the Empire State Building, but neither of us are really that into heights, so she said why don't we do the virtual helicopter ride instead, as that's on the 2nd floor of the Empire State Building. And I was like that's cool.

So we went, and go into one of those theaters with the weird seating and the domed walls and ceiling like they have at the IMAX, only this was like 1/1000th the size of an IMAX theater and extremely cramped. It turned out it was so small and cramped because the seats moved to make it feel like you're actually in the helicopter. We sat, were forced to strap ourselves in, and then the little virtual-helicopter-ride-movie started.

Guess who narrated it.

Omg... Seriously you guys.... I think I almost wet myself.

Cousin F almost wet herself as well, because she was laughing uncontrollably through most of the film and I'm pretty sure by the end of it, everyone else in that theater must have thought we were lunatics. I have never exited a building so fast in my life.

But that doesn't even compare to the time about two years later, when I was working in the city. I was on my way into work one morning, walking from the path station to the office on 5th Avenue

and I sh*t you not

Kevin Bacon walked down the street.

So, naturally,
 I spent the next twenty minutes believing that all of my worst nightmares of Kevin Bacon hiding under my bed were about to come true.

And then I had to explain to Supreme Evil Bossette why I was half an hour late to work.

There are countless more incidents like this (though none actually as horrific as seeing the real K.B. walk down the street). Take Mum, for example--her favourite actress is Kyra Sedgwick.


Guess who Kyra's married to.



She's married to Kevin Bacon.

I'm getting a headache, so I'm going to have to stop now. If I get bombarded with Kevin Bacon spam by any of you, YOU WILL PAY.

29 comments:

  1. I can't believe that you're that afraid of an actor Mich, I feel bad for laughing though because it's obviously something that does genuinely make you uncomfortable. If it makes you feel any better I don't think I've ever watched any of this guy's films so I promise I'll never mention Kevin Bacon to you again. Damn, except for that time, sorry Mich.

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  2. Hahahahaha you poor thing. Though Tremors is an excellente movie. I think you should have used meeting him in real life to get over your phobia of him though, maybe you missed a great chance.

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  3. He was on NPR (I think it was Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me!) shortly after one of your old baconophobia posts. I almost left a comment telling you (since you like NPR) but thought it would be mean :P If you've ever seen The Woodsman, you can add pedophile to his resume (and "pedophile's girlfriend" to Kyra's).

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  4. I have not laughed so hard in a very long time. I'm still crying a little.

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  5. He's always creeped me out. Why does his hair not have a color. And that face. Only a mother could love that shit. Or someone with a mouth approaching near Julia Roberts-size in its massivity.

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  6. For me it was that Foot Loose and Fancy Free movie. The horror, the horror. I can't watch him in any other film, because right there, behind my eyelids, burned into my retina, is the image of him dancing.

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  7. so hilarious!
    Finally on computer, yay for my present!!
    It will be a nice distraction from my own procrastination regarding my writing attempts. Why are writers such procrastinators?

    You still rock. If I shared your house, I'd pick you up and carry you over the Bacon Zone and put you safely in your bed, or in your doorway, depending on time of day.
    And then I'd go right back to sleep because let's face it, I'm a nightowl. Or a vampire who feeds on chocolate.
    One of those...

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  8. I want to know what he's DOING in that space one. it looks like he's getting an embarrassing gross blow job wtf

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  9. But wasn't Kevin Bacon the Hollow Man? How do you know he's not always around you? Maybe that's how those stray hairs land on your shoulder...

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    Replies
    1. That was just CRUEL. I think we have to break up.

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    2. I have three responses to that.

      Jerky me says: Thats me baby! I push things to the limit! Some people can take it some people can't! Thats life.

      Creepy me says: Don't worry, he's not invisible droping hairs on you... I am...

      Kind me says: Sorry I scared you with that comment, don't worry Kevin Bacon is just a fictional character! Everything will be okay!

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    3. I think I like creepy you best.

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    4. Yeah, woman do tend to favour creepy me... which is creepy in itself...

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  10. Jenn, he's holding out a bouquet of stars and offering them to her...from his nebula garden. lol Click to embiggen?

    And I'm pretty sure that God is just trying to toughen you up, Mich. It's all part of the zombiepocalpyse survival training course.

    Also, you are officially my all time favorite blogger homie.

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  11. Tremors routinely leaves me terrified of moving, stepping on the floor, making a noise. ANYTHING. It's like "the floor is lava" but also "making noise triggers a nuke". Fucking. Terror.

    Space? Why is space scary? Space is wonderful! So, so pretty.

    Kevin Bacon is just creepy, and I resent that anything that creepy is in any way associated, even loosely, with the Marvellous Miracle of Meats that is bacon.

    Seriously, it should be illegal.

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  12. mich, you're friggin' hilarious! Also, thanks for thee love on my blog. The only reason I don't drink some of the better tasting proteins is that I'm vegan... and the vegan protein powder options are fairly limited. When I was just veg, I had some delicious why stuff called "Vanilla Ice Cream" or something. Yum. 'Tis my one regret of being a vegan, I think.

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  13. Kevin Bacon is creepy, isn't he? It's kind of disturbing that we're all connected to him in some way, but you seem to be connected in a much different way. The fact that you ran into him on the street is a sign.... to, like, face your fears or something. If you see him again (and you *will* mwahahahaha) you should go right up to him, and instead of asking for an autograph like most people would, just stare him right in the eyes and say "You don't scare me, Bacon." Then blow right past him with your head held high. When he turns around and gives you the psycho eyes (and he *will* mwahahahaha) ...


    RUN!!!!

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  14. Kevin Bacon is pure evil... I couldn't agree more... His performance in Footloose gave me nightmares!!! And as for him doing the voice over for that Imax movie you saw... one word... terrifying!!!

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  15. Oh my god, you make me laugh so much!

    Kevin Bacon sends shivers up my spine too. I guess god likes to fuck with us all!

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  16. I was losing hope with people today . . . then I read your post. You have one of the best senses of humour, some of the most entertaining experiences, & you are one of the most honest/amazing people out there. Thanks for everything Mich. I hope you know how super you are!!

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  17. I can't figure out whether I like Kevin Bacon or dislike him. I really can't. I've got nothing against him, but he's got that weird triangular pig nose that I just can't stop staring at. Maybe that's how he hypnotizes you... right before he ends you.

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  18. Haha I actually have no idea who he is, but the post made me laugh and he looks pretty scary :P my first thought after reading this was to email you a couple of pictures of him, but I'm not that nasty!
    Lottie x

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  19. I'm hungry, but catching up on your blog, and it's preventing me from feeding the belly (< I don't know what the relevance of that is, other than you entertain me).
    Ha! This was brilliant! Though obviously unfortunate that you suffer due to Kevin Bacon. Kevin Bacon doesn't scare me, but his face creeps me out. This might sound a bit strange...but I always get the impression it has no skin. I don't know how else to explain it.

    *coughiwentthroughachristianslaterphasecough* <- I can't explain it either, and please don't judge me for it. But young Christian Slater, circa Heathers. I tried to watch as many films of his as possible, until I realised that a lot of the films he's been in are really quite terrible. Eh, who can explain the whims of the teenage crush?

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  20. I just like him he's a good actor I have Nothing against him I am not afarid of him trust me everything will be fine

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  21. I just like him he's a good actor I have Nothing against him I am not afarid of him trust me everything will be fine

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  22. I am not scared of Kevin bacon I am not afraid of him maybe just watch will and Greece eggs and bacon u might like him trust me there is nothing to be scared of

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