the one about the boobs

Everyone loves big boobs. What's not to love?

LOTS AND LOTS OF THINGS.

When I put on weight, it goes straight to my chest and hips. I'm not complaining mind you; there are worse places the weight could go. But it can still be a pain in the arse.

Navigating stairs first thing in the morning requires both hands on your chest. You will not know true pain until you run down the stairs and forget to hold on to your boobs.

My underwear supply contains three different bra sizes, because the slightest fluctuation in weight can send me from a C to a D. Even then, the bras rarely fit right. The cups might be larger, but in reality the bra is simply not designed to hold that much boob. Thus you end up with what my friends and I call the "two not four" problem, where the top of your bra cuts your boobs in half.

The fashion industry does not cater to large-breasted women, unless you really enjoy going around dressed like you work the red light district. Every top I own was carefully selected because finding a fitted shirt with enough room in the chest that my cleavage is not popping out of the shirt is nearly impossible. Most shirts that are not low-cut leave me feeling like I'm wearing a boa constrictor.

And button down shirts? Forget it. If you have big boobs, you can never wear those. That was lots of fun in Catholic school. Especially when I was 12 and the only girl in class with boobs.

Also whoever invented the cami with the built-in bra should be PUNCHED IN THE FACE.

They wouldn't bother me so much if there were more non-built-in-bra camis, but seriously no matter what store I go into, EVERY MOTHEREFFING CAMI HAS A BUILT IN BRA. Most of the time I end up just buying them and then cutting the bra out when I get home.

Another trend that REALLY REALLY NEEDS TO STOP is the dress worn by every single effing bridesmaid ever since the late 1990's. I don't care what anyone says, I've seen at least 50 different weddings on facebook alone and in all of them, the bridesmaids are all wearing the exact same dress. The only thing that changes from wedding to wedding is the colour.

First of all, these shapeless strapless bridesmaids dresses are awful in general.

Secondly, I cannot think of a meaner, crueler thing to do than to ask your big-tittied best friend to wear a STRAPLESS dress in your wedding.

None of those "strapless bras" or those weird squishy stick-on bras actually work if you have big boobs. None of them. Ever. Large-breasted women simply cannot comfortably wear strapless dresses, unless you are strapped into that thing with an 18th century whale bone corset.

You know what's really awkward? People who like giving really tight hugs. I usually go into hugs in a sort of forward arch that probably makes me look like a vulture.

But you can't maintain that position with someone who drags you into a really tight hug. Then comes that awkward moment when your boobs are pressed against someone who is not your significant other.

 .  .  .

On the positive side, you'd be amazed how many things I can conceal in my bra.

That really comes in handy at concerts.