Tuesday, March 1, 2011

On the first day of March it was raining. It was raining worse than anything that I have ever seen. I drank 2 pints of beer and I cursed all the people there. I wish that all this rain would stop falling down on me.

I love having dreams about being sexually assaulted, three nights in a row. Thanks a lot, Brain. Any other happy memories you'd like to dredge up from the open sewer of my recollections? Go nuts. I always wanted to know what a strait jacket was like. Keep this up, Brain, and we'll find out sooner rather than later. 

B*tch.

Bad dream hangover? Yes.

Food hangover? Still there.

But I suppose it's no less than I deserve. When you spend your weekends being a hermit so you can binge on junk food and sleeping pills, you deserve a horrendous start to the week. After successfully resisting that snack table, I ate crap pretty much the rest of the weekend. Not mega bingeing until I can't breathe, but bingeing nonetheless. And I think I consumed about 700 mg of dyphenhydramine over the course of 3 days. 

This is why my doctor flat out refuses to prescribe me anything stronger than .25 mg of lorazepam. And that was only after I made a show of breaking down into a soggy mess in the middle of his office. 

I'm not suicidal. I'm just much happier unconscious. :D

And this pisses me off quite a bit because as Life goes, I have it pretty good. I've got a great family and a place that I can call home and be happy living in. I've got wonderful friends (probably more than I deserve). I am not lacking food (though not for lack of effort), shelter, clean water, education, clothing, or health (health as in I'm not really at risk of contracting something like malaria just from going outside). So why do I want to shut it all out?

More than shutting it out, I want to run away. I fantasize about packing up my cat and my most precious possessions and just taking off in my car. Heading for Maine so I can settle down somewhere quiet between the forest and the sea. Or just driving, only stopping for a couple days at a time, living out of my car. Or actually saving up enough money to pack up everything I own and get a one-way ticket to Ireland (that one is actually the most plausible, and most likely in the future...). 

But I don't really know what I'm running away from. 

It's kind of like that ridiculous idea we get in our heads regarding our weight: that everything will be okay once we're Thin. Once we've gotten down to a weight we can call Thin Enough, everything else will just fall into place. That's how I feel about running away--once I get to Ireland/Maine/Nomadic Existence, everything will be fine. My life will get better and all my issues will disappear. 

Wanna know something that really gets me t'ed off? People with their heads stuck so far up their own arses that they actually have NO EFFING CLUE WHATSOEVER about what's going on around them, or what effect their self-aggrandizing, misconstrued, over-exaggerated harseshite has on other people. I just don't get how you can treat the world one way (like the world and everything in it is dumber than you/simply not worth your time) and expect the world and its inhabitants to treat you with any kind of respect. Like DUH.

Ok I'm done. ...with that particular rant, anyway.

I'm starting to really dislike my boss. I do not often indulge in Hatred or even serious dislike, but holy hand grenades, he's beginning to give me stress headaches. I mean I know I'm kind of a ditzy tard in general, but he likes to remind me of this multiple times a day. He also likes to tell me one thing ("don't interrupt me EVER when I'm on the phone, unless it's a Judge") and then a few hours later, yell at me for doing what he said ("why didn't you tell me Client was on the phone?!? I wanted to talk to them!!"). Or yell at me for not doing things he never told me to do in the first place. Or get all bent out of shape for not dealing with a client's billing issue ("that's YOUR job!") because Boss never entered any of the relevant billing info into the accounting program, thus leaving absolutely no record of how much the client owes us. 

So NO, asswipe, I can't tell the client how much money he needs to send because I don't bloody well know how much, because I'm not a mf psychic. 

Boss is a Typical Only Child. And he's starting to make Supreme Evil Bossette (3 jobs ago) look almost normal in comparison. 

Supreme Evil Bossette was ridiculous, as far as bosses go. Ever see the Devil Wears Prada? Yeah Meryl Streep was NOTHING compared to S.E. Bossette. Even outside the realm of the workplace, I think S.E. Bossette was just plain Evil. She ranked pretty high on my own personal Scale of Evil anyway, right up there between Cthulhu and Lucy Butler.
I miss Old Boss. In fact, I miss him so much I could cry about it (that's the xanax talking, I imagine--I can no longer go a day at the office without sedatives). Sure Old Boss had his fussy, annoying moments, but at least he was a nice person in general. And much more pleasant to talk to. I've started looking around for another job, but Idk what to put in my cover letter as far as why I'm seeking a new job. Plus there's no jobs available anywhere at all. All I know is that I really do not want to spend a long stretch of time hating my life and dreading going to work every morning. And apparently I already dislike it so much I can't even hide it (which is very odd for me--usually I can hide all feelings behind a neutral poker face).  I was talking to my hairdresser, Kim, recently about my new job and saying something generic like "yeah it's great," and she looked me dead in the eye and said: "You hate it."

29 comments:

  1. Oh man, that sucks! He sounds like a maniac, and not even the really obvious sort of maniac that you can just barricade yourself against, but the one that gets under your skin and then stays there.

    Hope things get better. You could always start constructing crude weapons from office supplies? Although, with you I think they would be anything BUT crude, you'd probably create a flame-thrower or an invisible car or something.

    In short, you're fucking awesome. Don't let the bastard get you down.

    xx

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  2. Try saying something in the cover letter about the location of your job being far too far away, or wanting to work longer hours. SOMETHING.

    And I wanted you to know that, like a total stalker, I went back and read all your old entries from the start. Your writing is great and I really identify with a lot of the things you say, though I wish I was more of a sociopath. :P

    Have you tried giving your doc the symptoms of ADD? adderall really kills your appetite and makes it impossible to binge... so maybe that's a worthwhile medication for you.

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  3. wow sorry that ur boss is like that hun
    i hope u find a new job hey it coudl b worse u could b stuck in retail like me ugh hate it

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  4. Sorry to hear about the bingefest and the bad dreams. I think your stress is endogenous, not exogenous or circumstantial. It doesn't make it of any lesser consequence.

    I totally get the 'when-I'm' thing. I also feel like my life will begin 'when-I'm' thin, 'when-I'm' living in another country, 'when-I'm' better off. I need to learn to just live in the now and not worry about things that have not yet come to pass.

    Christ, I hope something extremely unpleasant happens to your dick-boss. Only children can be such 'problem children'!

    Hope your week improves. Much love. <3. XXX.

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  5. That scale of evil? It's pretty awesome. I laughed. :) Here's to a better tomorrow!!!!

    xo
    Victoria

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  6. oh i love your scale of evil
    really really love it!
    though sorry that she is your boss -
    worse than meryl can only mean terrifying...

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  7. Okay, you may have just saved my life. Literally.

    I am experiencing all of those exact same sentiments right now. I want to run away/ be unconscious/ punch the assistant dean in his obnoxious, smug, forgetful face/ burst out crying.

    Sometimes I think this whole 'ed/new-life' thing is my attempt to actualize the reset button. I don't really think things will change and get better I just want everything to go away. I want to start from scratch and do everything right. Probably also why I want reincarnation to be true.

    I love you insane amounts. Like, Anti-Kevin Bacon amounts.

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  8. I've been going through my array of bosses and their different attitudes. So far, it hasn't been so bad as it has been with some coworkers.

    But totally understandable what you mean.

    Your scale is hilarious.

    I hope it gets better and not when you are thin, but now. I am thin and nothing got resolved.

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  10. OMG I'm totally feeling your work woes! I used to LOVE my job but now it's all I can stand just to getup every morning and go in.

    It seems like on a weekly basis someone is asking me why I didn't do something that I wasn't even informed about! It's so annoying...I was just conplaining to Husband yesterday about this saying that I wasn't a fucking mind reader!

    We work together and he hates it just as much as I do now. That's why we are seriously considering getting our CDL licenses and becoming a trucking team...just us and the open road! LOL Want to join us???

    ~MLM

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  11. Oh, Dear Mich,
    i'm so sorry things are awful...can i run away with you???
    And those mother effing nightmares...mine were so awful this early am, i will spare you the horrible details...just that they had to do with little animals dying..awfully. And that was just one nightmare...actually got me on the 'mill early to deal with the anxiousness...my own word...!

    Wish i could find you a nice, new Boss Man...like the one you miss so badly...it hurts sooo much to miss someone like that!

    Loving you art sooo much...your blog ROCKS my world!

    Hee, thanks for the PSA...i had better get my act together!!!!!!

    Much Love, tracy

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  12. Your boss sounds so annoying! I am lucky I have always had nice bosses.
    Sorry to hear about your dreams, I always have really grusome ones where I am raped and murdered or I have to see my family get murdered etc.
    I love to be a hermit hahaha, I have to go out to the gym today and I would really rather stay in bed.
    Anyways hope yout dreams stop
    xx

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  13. oh goddammit. when am I going to learn to post my comments correctly. I just deleted a comment. again. fuck.

    anyway, I've never heard of the Cthulhu thing so I googled it and there's like whole REAL cults about it. Cray zay cuz I've never heard not one thing about it. plus your chart (like everything you do!) was the funniest shit I've ever seen. haha! bobby flay!! haha!

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  14. I have always made up these great plans in my head to move and get away from everything, thinking I'll be SO happy then. I've done it twice actually and after a few months I was even more miserable than I was in the beginning :/ I refuse to say I'm the issue though, obviously I just didn't move to the right places;) 3rd try is a charm I say. Ireland sounds amazing<3 I wanted to study abroad over there this summer.

    Your job sounds horrible:( I hope you get lucky and find another job soon. Even though it's just a job you spend a lot of your time there, you shouldn't have to be that miserable! Good luck-xx

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  15. People always say running from your problems will not solve them, but I'm going to try it anyway. I think maybe it puts you in the mindset of a fresh start, which is as much mental as it is physical. Ireland would love to have you I'm sure.

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  16. I know what you mean. Just like I fantasize of Life When I'm Thinner, I also dream of Life When I Get The Fuck Out Of Here.

    What sucks is that everywhere you go, there you are. :(

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  17. omg! I just noticed the sun is face-palming! Awesome!

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  18. Love that cartoon! From happy you to the facepalming sun and the freaked out cat.
    Evil bosses really suck. I mean they really suck....they are energy vampires. I totally get the wanting to run away. Sometimes I daydream of being a forest ranger, complete w gun (even tho I'm scared of guns) and just being a professional hermit. Guard the forests or something.

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  19. Thanks a lot for saying your idiot of a boss is a 'typical' only child.
    You know all that only child stuff is actually very very refutable rubbish if you just bother to actually back any of the claims you wish to make about only children through simple research.
    I can speak from the point of view of an only child. Just because someone has one kid doesn't mean they decide to fucking spoil the living crap out of them, for that you need money for one thing!

    I've known plenty of blind uncomprising people who aren't only children. Naive, self-entitled bastards who are actually the 'baby' of the family a lot of the time.

    Your boss is a dick, end of story. He's not a dick because he's an only child.

    I really like reading your blog, you're really funny and creative and artistic and I'm not sure what your connection to Ireland is, but being born & bred in the north of Ireland, I was glad you had one!

    But I've had enough crap with people making judgements that I'm some narrow-minded selfish spoiled brat just because I didn't grow up with any brothers or sisters.

    I'm not taking it personally I'm just trying to put my foot down on the side of only children okay?

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  20. i love the sun you drew. awesome!!
    i always assumed hating your job was part of being a grown up..maybe i'm settling?

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  21. I know how you feel. the past two jobs I've had were fun-ish jobs. [as far as jobs go] but the bosses were dicks.
    It made it very difficult to do a good job on anything.
    Hope you work it all out, hun.
    xoxo

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  22. Look what a freaking adorable hobo you make!

    Also, so many of the attending doctors I work with are complete asshats, and it's only getting worse. What is it about abusing people because of an artificial power structure?

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  23. wow your boss sounds like a cunt. i know what you mean about wanting to move and thinking everything will be just dandy, i've move many times thinking it will produce a different result each time.. turns out i was wrong lol
    good luck with job hunting. with the cover letter, i just wounldn't mention anything. not until an interview, and only if they asked.

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  24. I day dream constantly about fleeing. What's the line from that one emo song? I have lived so many lives all in my head...

    I wanted to go to Ireland after I graduated high school. Take me with you?

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  25. I think that chastising yourself for thinking you 'have everything and thus shouldn't be ED'd/depressed/whatever' is pointless. In the modern world we have so many different things to deal with. We may not have to fight day to day just to find food or clean water but think of all the other things you have to do. Going to work being one.
    When I was first depressed and anorexic all I wanted to do was live in a commune in the woods, I thought then I could eat (I also really wanted a baby?!) because none of the problems would be there. I mean how many anorexic, commune-dwelling, happy people do you know?! :P

    Maybe put on the cover letter that you are "looking for a new challenge", "looking to work for a larger organisation", "looking to work in a different secretarial sphere" (i.e not a lawyer)

    And feel free to give me a my little pony, I would braid its mane and everything. But I wouldn't want to dismantle your collection and I can braid my own hair and jump around neighing :P

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  26. The boss sounds a little...temperamental... It sounds exhausting working for someone who constantly shifts like that :S

    There is something incredibly appealing about a nomadic existence. I always wanted to "be a nomad" when I grew up, instead of a vet or doctor or santa clause or whatever.

    I don't know what to suggest about the work situation. It gets bit tricky when the one who's severely irking you is The Boss... Thumb screws???

    That Evil Scale is rather genius, I do love Satan's crazy eyes. :P

    ps. Hmm, don't know what went on there. I must've switched comments off somehow. It has been recitified!

    x

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  27. Sorry about the bad dreams. Assault dreams are the worst... I've definitely been there.

    Loved the link! You're awesome!

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  28. I'm sorry about the nightmares, I get ones every night about either my ex-lovertypeboy or my best friend dyings some how. So I know how you feel, at one point I was actually terrified to go to sleep so I would force myself to stay awake or just overdose enough to knock me out. Again I love that unconcious feeling just as you do x]

    The evil scale made me laugh sooo much, I'm considering making my own! You should defiantly do a post about it explaining them all!

    I hope you feel better soon and your boss starts to be less of an arsehol.

    love,
    -lottie ♥

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  29. I've been hopeless this week! I'm splitting time between blogger and study until I'm caught up then ROUTINE WILL BE SET!!

    I love you evil scale! *Flails arms joyfully*

    Help me with the Mordor Coffee? I have no idea how to brew anything that isn't plunger or instant ^.^;

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