The boys and me are drunk and looking for you. We'll eat your friggin' entrails and we won't give a damn.

'Twas super nice out today. If it never got above this temperature (mid 60's F) I would be so happy. Maybe 70F in the summer, but no higher... I checked on my flowers (hyacinths and paper whites) and they're growing! The snowdrops beside the chimney have been out for a while though, which proves I was correct in my prediction of spring's early arrival. :D Even if it's cold out, the birds and flowers know when to come back.

I like the flowers and Easter and junk, but spring means the kamikaze inchworms start launching themselves out of the trees, which pretty much turns me into a shut-in for like 4 months.

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Mrs. Donae, your blog won't let me comment!! I was going to tell you I think it's awesome you're quitting smoking. I should. :/

Ok so two anonymous people sent messages through the website asking for a pony. Idk which one of you was the original commenter, but at the moment I can only spare one pony.....

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I think it's time to talk about drugs. 

It's one of those topics on which everyone has an opinion. Usually a strong opinion. And I think it's something that everyone has to deal with (whether through family, friends, or their own issues) at some point in life. Especially nowadays, when they're advertising drugs on the telly and doctors hand out prescriptions for people's addictions so that those people can get their fix straight from the pharmaceutical companies rather from some drug dealer off the streets like we did back in the day. It's so easy and technically legal to have a drug habit these days that no one seems to think you have much a problem if you can't get through the day without popping a Xanax.

I have mixed feelings on drug use. Recreationally, why not? Go nuts. Have fun. Just try not to do anything too stupid. Who am I to judge what others want to do/smoke/snort/etc/? But serious addictions that threaten your health and well-being and relationships with the important people in your life--that's a problem. And you should get help. But at the same time, I don't really feel that it's my place to tell someone if and when they need help. Especially with all of my own problems--I feel like it would be hypocritical. And in the end,  the only person who can help you is YOU. If I actually get the point of telling you that you may need to consider help for your problem, that means that a) your problem is quite serious even by my standards; and b) I actually really REALLY don't want you to die as a result of your problem. 

I have a couple friends with what I might consider a Problem. T. does a lot of oxy to the point that his sinuses are permanently messed up. He claims he's trying to stop and that he has cut down on how much he's doing every day. I didn't believe him until his congestion started clearing up. I do think he's making a real effort to stop. I have another friend with a serious alcohol problem (like passing out in public places on several different occasions kind of alcoholism) and the fact that the rest of us could not bring ourselves to offer her help/point out that she needed it has destroyed the relationship that we used to have. So sometimes a Problem should be addressed.

But where do you draw the line on drug use? I could sit here and say I don't have a morphine and oxymorphone "problem" anymore, but what about the other stuff? What about the ephedrine that I take before I go to the gym, or the lorazepam/Xanax/clonazepam collection I have in my purse and take whenever I'm bored? What about the enormous amount of dyphenhydramine I take every night to go sleep? Or the smokey treats? Are those problems? I don't really know. 

And even if I'm not snorting morphine every day, is that because the supply has dried up and I can't really afford it anyway? Or was it a choice?

It obviously was not a choice, because Vitamin Friend happened to have a half an oxymorphone when I saw him Friday night and he gave it to me. I took it without question and stashed it in my purse for later. (He gave me some percs as well, which I also saved.) The next morning, I was more or less bouncing off the walls in excitement over my little half an oxymorphone. 

I sat at my desk with my half-pill, looking for the dollar bill I usually use to crush them. (It's all messed up from crushing drugs, so no longer usable as currency).

And then I dropped the half a pill.

It was sort of like slow motion.

The floor surrounding my desk is not the best place for finding things. Especially not half-pills that are about the same size as the average dust mote.

So I think the fact that I nearly had an aneurysm, and then spent the next 30 minutes scouring the carpet for that half-pill is a good indication that despite not doing those kinds of drugs regularly, I still have something of a Problem.

With the pills that are pure oxymorph and no fillers, the best thing to do is crush them up and snort them. Not the whole pill, though. And if you swallow the whole pill, you WILL vomit. I promise. There's a really good chance you'll vomit from snorting it as well. Idk if this is common, but everyone else I know who's ridden the morphine train says the same thing--stuff with morphine in it often makes them vomit. 

And I think it's kind of hysterical that I have actually Classically Conditioned myself when it comes to reacting to morphine. Gina mentioned something similar last week, with that bit from Marilyn Manson's autobiography about the mere sight of cocaine giving you the sh*ts. I'm fine when looking at the morphine or oxymorph in pill form, but once I look at it after I've crushed it up, I start uncontrollably gagging. 

This makes snorting it a bit difficult. 

And I don't even have an effing gag reflex. But one look at a line--any line--be it coke, heroin, pixy stix, whatever; and I start gagging. 

So yeah, after telling myself for a year that I was Totally Done With Morphine, I did some on Saturday. But I have no more, and don't plan on getting more. I will take gifts, but I am not buying any. Because as fun as it can be, I don't really want to go back to that place. It gets very dark and dangerous. I have the year-round congestion/runny nose/sniffling, and the limp in the left leg to prove it.

So in short kids, think twice before you do drugs. Because doing drugs for fun can lead to addiction and abuse. And your sinuses aren't coming back. Mine have been fecked for 12 years now. TWELVE. All because I started snorting things as a freshman in high school and continued doing it a bit too often. Most definitely I had a Drug Problem in high school. You could probably trip for days, perhaps even weeks off a hit of my spinal fluid. 

I was in a different mindset in high school. I hated life and everything in it 

(extremely bad parenting/emotional neglect+being a little unhinged naturally+being an outcast amongst my peers = complete and utter psychopath)

At 12 I was already a smoker. At 13 I tried pot and cocaine for the first time, but wasn't crazy about either of them. I had made friends with enough older kids that I already knew seniors with cars by the time I was a freshman. And I had absolutely no fear when it came to drugs, so high school began with me ingesting every substance I could get my greedy little hands on. Plus, various events that year shattered the only bits of sanity I had left (getting sexually assaulted by a friend's ex-cop father while I was off my face on 3 hits of LSD being the one on top of the list of Reasons Mich Is Crazy). After that, the drug use really became a quest for me to blot out the world in any and every way I could find. 

Even now, years later, with most of the crap behind me, my gut reaction to bad stress is to erase it. Take pills. Just sleep for a few hours/days/weeks. And there have been occasions where I've gone on pill/drug binges of such magnitude that it's a miracle I woke up the next day. 

Kind of funny, 'cause I think the best photo ever taken of me is this one:

That's me after 12 straight hours of non-stop drug use. This night has become a legend--2 friends and myself ingested Lord knows how much prescription painkillers, sedatives, muscle relaxers, alcohol, and prescription sleeping pills; and I'm truly amazed we all woke up the next day...

Yeah I don't do that anymore. Just the occasional adavan and some smokey treats for me. And I don't count the smokies, because honestly it's not like it's any worse than alcohol.

Has anyone else ever tried these?

Effing ridiculous. 

So you know how sometimes when you're out having the craic with a friend or two, and there comes a time that you need to make your eyes look less stoned red? 

Good thing there's usually that one friend who always has eyedrops.

[As if your red eyes are the only thing that will give you away...]

But those Rohto eyedrop things are MENTHOLATED eye drops. Like seriously--who the heck thought it was a good idea to put menthol in eyedrops!??!

They do, however, make your eyes look supernaturally white and perfect, so I will admit that after some initial hesitation, I am addicted.

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Wow that post is kind of long. I apologize if your brain has now turned to sludge. But if you actually read everything up the this point, then I commend you for it. You get a virtual medal.

Thanks to the gorgeous girlies that gave me an award! :-* I'll do that post next. I'm trying to think of some good interesting facts about myself. I was actually thinking of making my own blogger award to give to everyone. We'll see how creative I can get...