That was kind of a rough night.

It's been a while since I had a bad night terror/waking nightmare/3 AM panic attack/whatever the heck you want to call it because even my doctor doesn't even know what it is.

Something good did come out of - I threw out my stash of laxatives and plan on not taking them again for a very long time.

Last night, I went out for dinner with Mum and Little Sis. It had been really good all day: turkey bacon for breakfast (90), iced coffee (50) and an Atkins bar (120). I was good at dinner, too: turkey burger with no bun, and a side salad with low-fat ginger dressing. I did have some wine, but I try not to count that because usually it helps me get some actual sleep and that is a good thing. And then, most likely because I consumed too much wine and thus had fewer food inhibitions, I got home and had a mini tub of chocolate fudge brownie ice cream (190) with melted low fat peanut butter (180), and then 2 Fiber One bars (300). All in all, my whole day was still under 1500, so I wouldn't classify it a binge, but being drunk I still panicked. And being a creature of habit, I followed my usual pattern: stuff face --> panic --> take too many ex-lax.

I took 3 extra strength ex-lax. Usually after a big binge, I take 4; so 3 shouldn't kill me. (Not immediately, anyway). But I had taken quite a few laxies over the weekend, so I presume my body was just fed up with me and my ex-lax solutions. 

Fast forward to 3.00 AM. I could not sleep. Even with the 2 glasses of pinot grigio, 2 1/2 Sominex, and 1 1/2 Unisom, I still could not sleep. And my tummy was a-rumbling. Like hardcore.



Let me clarify what "not sleeping" is to an insomniac before I go any further. It's like Edward Norton says in Fight Club: when you're an insomniac, you are never really asleep, and you are never really awake. We live in a Half-World. Always half-awake, always half-dreaming, always half-conscious. Even at night, with sleep aids, we are rarely completely asleep. That whole REM cycle thing is long gone.

This can be a serious problem when you are half asleep at three in the morning, but are also half awake and conscious, and are having a ridiculously terrifying nightmare. Because your brain is somewhere between Stage 4 and REM sleep, your body is paralyzed. You cannot move. You can see and hear and feel your actual real-life surroundings, and you can also see and hear and feel whatever horrific things are existing in your nightmares. But there's feckall you can do about it. You can't even scream for help. You cannot blink or close your eyes. There could be demons sitting on your bed trying to burrow and claw their way into your chest, and you can only lay there and wonder when the heart attack is going to kick in. 


Something like that happened last night. I don't recall the actual nightmare, but when I flew out of my bed at 3.24 AM, I was in a full blown PANIC. Basically my heart was racing and palpitating from a combo of the nightmare and the sleepy pills, my digestive system was performing acrobatics because of the ex-lax, and my brain was not awake enough to put everything together in a logical manner and just calm the f*ck down. 

So the thoughts going through my head: Holy hand grenades, I AM GOING TO DIE. Right now!!! My heart is exploding and my intestines are shriveling up and preparing for evacuation and I'm going to die here in my bed in a pile of sh*t and blood and vomit and bile and no one is going to be able to rescue me in time and good god I can't call an ambulance because how the heck am I going to explain this?!?!?


At some point I must have passed out or just blacked out from stress because the next thing I know it's around 5.30 AM and I need the bathroom LIKE NOW.


But now my whole day is shot. It's like when a nightmare leaves you with that scared, panicky feeling long after you've woken up. My brain is not panicking or anxious. I'm a pretty logical, overly rational person when it comes to most things (obviously, not when it comes to eating), so I know there is no reason to be having an anxiety attack now, nearly 12 hours after the night terror. My brain knows it, but my body doesn't. It's still in panic-mode: cold sweat, racing heart with palpitations, and feeling shaky and fidgety in general. 


This is why it pisses me off when people who have never experienced any kind of depression or anxiety or anything try to tell you it's all in your head. It is obviously NOT all in my head, because my head is fine, and yet my body is panicking. Those are biological symptoms, happening independent of mental anxiety. All psychological disorders have a biological side to them. It's not all in our heads. 


:-*