Some Early Life Lessons Which May Or May Not Be Incorrect

I went on a shopping spree today (I love shopping with government money!) and upon leaving the Palisades Mall, I got onto the wrong side of Route 87. And then missed the last exit before the Tappan Zee Bridge. AND oh joy of joys, the other side of the bridge was at a standstill because some a-hole got a flat tire and had to get towed.

Needless to say, I was not a happy camper. I decided to just get onto route 9 on the other side of the bridge and take the long, hopefully traffic-free way home via the Bear Mountain Bridge. It took me a half hour to get through Sleepy Hollow, and then another hour to get back home.

During this time, I contemplated various things that have been ingrained into my brain as a result of my upbringing. I think these rules apply to anyone who was born in the 80's.

Things I learned during childhood:

- In this life you may only go forward and up. Never backwards.

- Incidentally, your princess is in another castle.

- If you jump from a great height with an umbrella, you will float slowly to the ground. If you go crashing to the ground, that means you need a bigger umbrella.

- When you run away or travel, you should pack up your belongings in a blanket and tie it to a stick. Things such as travel and running away should always be done properly.

- According to Disney, when you grow up your hair will be perfect. All the time. Even when you wake up in the morning.

- If you're a good little girl, the fairies will make you blonde and give you a great singing voice, and your parents will provide you with a rich husband. Until then, you should frolick in the woods singing songs you made up on the spot and pissing off your neighbors. Your prince/intended husband will find you.

[Prince Philip was most definitely the greatest of all the Disney heroes/princes. He slayed a DRAGON for feck's sake.]

- Dumping a bottle of glitter on your head and jumping down an entire flight of stairs may make you fly. If it doesn't, you just don't have happy enough thoughts.

- Monsters, the bogey man, and all other predators cannot see you if you don't move.

- You can bleed a lot without dying. And if you make the correct noise, you can suspend the laws of gravity in order to bicycle kick your unsuspecting siblings.

- Twins are creepy.

- The best shows come on TV after midnight. It would be best if your parents do not know you're watching them.

- Your mother is hiding in the weirdest places!

[I swear to god I thought that was Mum the first time I saw Rocky Horror (like 5 years old?). If you saw her hair and makeup in the 80's, you'd understand. Apparently I'm not alone in this - one of my bff's saw Labyrinth and thought David Bowie was his mom in disguise.]

- Laws do not apply to nuns.

- Being a rockstar might seem awesome, but in the end it will make you fat and kind of manly. You will end up discarded and unwanted, or you will end up being mistaken for a man. And by that I mean your hair will all get cut off and you'll be dressed in Ken's clothes because you don't fit in any of Barbie's.

- Flat hair is a SIN. The trendy kids nowadays might have their hair flattened and ironed into perfect straightness, but deep down you know that this is wrong.

- If you complain and whine and nag enough, eventually you will be taken to Toys 'R Us. If, upon your arrival at Toys 'R Us, you remain perfectly quiet and behaved, you will be permitted to open your new toy in the car.

- The most effective way to get you want is by throwing yourself face-first onto the floor and screaming your heart out.

- If you happen to run off a cliff, do not panic immediately. Gravity has a delay of about 5 seconds.

- If you put on too much weight, you will not be permitted to remain awesome.