so don't cremate me when I'm gone, I won't be gone for long

Hey y'all. It's been a while.

So my trip to the doctor from the last post ended with me getting diagnosed with IBS (and there I was thinking that all my digestive issues were just normal) and put on a diet of mostly protein and veggies (because my body has decided it is incapable of digesting processed sugar, bread, rice, pasta, or anything similar), plus a probiotic supplement.

I imagine that the bulk of my tummy woes are the result of years of disordered eating and not IBS, but whatevs.

In other news....

I went to see the Handsome Family in NYC on August 30th, and had several panic attacks throughout the day beforehand because M. bailed at the last second and I am TERRIFIED of going into the city (any city) at night alone.

It turned out kind of awesome though, because I made friends with the people behind me on line outside the Mercury Lounge and gave away M.'s ticket to one of them, and also got to meet the band, and got some great photos.

Rennie Sparks is lovely and I'm pretty sure she's a faerie or something.

if you picked Rennie, you fail at life

Last Saturday I went to see Th' Legendary Shack Shakers in Asbury Park. I was a little disturbed by the intense amount of skankage going on in front of the stage. I like to pretty much sit on the stage and take pictures, but sadly I couldn't get as close as I normally would without getting drenched in STD's.

J.D. Wilkes made up for this by shooting snot rockets into the crowd of under-dressed over-drunk girls, and playing the song I had requested on the band's facebook page.

The first band, Whiskey Shivers was glorious. I have never before met someone who has a mullet and is also GORGEOUS.

Also the entire band went on stage with no shoes, and they all look like they just crawled out of a swamp. Their music is really good, I bought a CD and have had this song on repeat for like a week:

This weekend, I turn 30. Mumsy is throwing a party for all of her friends because I said I didn't want any fuss (parties = fuss). (She did this for my 16th birthday and my college graduation as well.) I'm more excited about going out for dinner Saturday to my fav restaurant.

I am preparing to gain an absurd amount of weight, as after my birthday weekend, Anorexic Auntie and Loud Auntie shall be arriving from Ireland. You remember them.

the four horsewomen of the apocalypse, from left to right: Loud Auntie, Mumsy, Anorexic Auntie, and Bipolar Auntie

We will most likely be eating out every night that they are here, so I should probably be going out right now to buy several more pairs of sweatpants for when none of my clothes fit me.

You know what's fecking amazing?

Quick Chek harvest spice coffee.

There's no need to call me 'sir', professor.

We've all got weird habits and phobias and strange pet peeves and weird issues in general. And an obsessive compulsive brain can really take some of those weird fears and habits to an extreme.

I feel like I've spent most of my life trying to hide some of my stranger paranoias. Mostly I can keep them hidden.

Mostly.

I used to have an extreme fear of peeing myself in public. Like I would need to use the loo every 20 minutes if I was not at home. I still always carry a huge supply of tissues in my purse, just in case I have a bathroom emergency in a place with no bathrooms. It got so bad at one point that even though I was really into outdoor things like hiking, I would ONLY go hiking where there were bathrooms or port-a-potties.

Another phobia has actually gotten me to quit smoking cigarettes in the car, because I have this intense fear of accidentally setting my car on fire. I get paranoid about getting flat tires as well, and never trusted the little gauge on my dashboard that's supposed to tell you if you have a flat tire. I have this portable tire inflator that I keep in my car just in case I get a flat tire. If I'm stressed out, I'll pull over and check the air pressure in all my tires pretty much every time I hit even a minor pothole. And I'll pull over in the sketchiest, most secluded areas when I do this because I'm really self conscious about my weird paranoias, and thus must make sure no one sees me in action.

(Last time I did that back in winter{April}, I discovered afterwards that I was trespassing on US Army property...)

The worst paranoia? Intestinal parasites. A number of times in my life, I have become totally convinced that I have worms. And when your biggest fear in life is worms, this is a major problem.

I think maybe I have tummy parasites.

I don't know why. I just woke up this morning with that notion in my head, and of course immediately began manifesting all of the symptoms of intestinal parasites. And you know how intense panic can make you really really need the bathroom? Well on top of the intense panic I am terrified to use the bathroom, in case I see worms. (That's gross, I know, I'm sorry.)

When the I-totally-have-parasites-panic reaches this level, I have two options: take dog de-wormers, or go to the doctor.

I've taken dog de-wormers before and survived, but they made me very very ill and I am well aware that they are really not good for humans. So after an hour and a half of sitting at my desk in a state of mental anguish, I finally gave in and called the doctor. But it's not the doctor who already knows about my madness in the parasite department, because he's too far away from work.

So now I can dread the trip to the doc, because (trust me) this is one of the most awkward conversations anyone could ever have with a doctor. It usually goes something like this:

More than once, following this scenario, I have walked out of the doctor's office with a prescription for worm killing meds, a prescription for xanax, and a suggestion that I go see a therapist.