Friday, August 22, 2014

There's no need to call me 'sir', professor.

We've all got weird habits and phobias and strange pet peeves and weird issues in general. And an obsessive compulsive brain can really take some of those weird fears and habits to an extreme.

I feel like I've spent most of my life trying to hide some of my stranger paranoias. Mostly I can keep them hidden.


I used to have an extreme fear of peeing myself in public. Like I would need to use the loo every 20 minutes if I was not at home. I still always carry a huge supply of tissues in my purse, just in case I have a bathroom emergency in a place with no bathrooms. It got so bad at one point that even though I was really into outdoor things like hiking, I would ONLY go hiking where there were bathrooms or port-a-potties.

Another phobia has actually gotten me to quit smoking cigarettes in the car, because I have this intense fear of accidentally setting my car on fire. I get paranoid about getting flat tires as well, and never trusted the little gauge on my dashboard that's supposed to tell you if you have a flat tire. I have this portable tire inflator that I keep in my car just in case I get a flat tire. If I'm stressed out, I'll pull over and check the air pressure in all my tires pretty much every time I hit even a minor pothole. And I'll pull over in the sketchiest, most secluded areas when I do this because I'm really self conscious about my weird paranoias, and thus must make sure no one sees me in action.

(Last time I did that back in winter{April}, I discovered afterwards that I was trespassing on US Army property...)

The worst paranoia? Intestinal parasites. A number of times in my life, I have become totally convinced that I have worms. And when your biggest fear in life is worms, this is a major problem.

I think maybe I have tummy parasites.

I don't know why. I just woke up this morning with that notion in my head, and of course immediately began manifesting all of the symptoms of intestinal parasites. And you know how intense panic can make you really really need the bathroom? Well on top of the intense panic I am terrified to use the bathroom, in case I see worms. (That's gross, I know, I'm sorry.)

When the I-totally-have-parasites-panic reaches this level, I have two options: take dog de-wormers, or go to the doctor.

I've taken dog de-wormers before and survived, but they made me very very ill and I am well aware that they are really not good for humans. So after an hour and a half of sitting at my desk in a state of mental anguish, I finally gave in and called the doctor. But it's not the doctor who already knows about my madness in the parasite department, because he's too far away from work.

So now I can dread the trip to the doc, because (trust me) this is one of the most awkward conversations anyone could ever have with a doctor. It usually goes something like this:

More than once, following this scenario, I have walked out of the doctor's office with a prescription for worm killing meds, a prescription for xanax, and a suggestion that I go see a therapist.


  1. I can relate. i have severe fear of worms brother had them when we were children...i dont know how he got them but i feel like if i had them they would need to fully sedate me until it is over otherwise i would die of that event.sometimes you gotta do what you have to do in order to calm yourself.....and i have been to the doctor for weird paranoid things several times...too embarassing to tell. As life has been difficult for you these days it is no wonder things like this occur. greetings from a mostly silent follower :-)

  2. I recall reading a story about a guy who discovered that he had worms. He began noticing the shed skin in his stool.

    So he got the medication to kill the worm and in the next few days the worm came out. Well, he had to help pull it out and he went into graphic detail about how he could feel it coming out. I wonder if I can still find it...

    1. Damian, did she say... "peeing myself in public"?

  3. I do this A LOT. I go in to the doctor's office telling him/her what I have rather than the other way around. I somehow convince myself that their long years of med school doesn't in any way trump my badass googling skills (read: skillZ because, badass).

  4. I thought I was the only one with weird paranoias! I agree with the worms thing though, that thought has crossed my mind more than once (especially after seeing this TV show where this guy went to the bathroom and discovered a tape worm that, after pulling several feet, still had no end. Ever since then that's always been in the back of my mind).

    You have a thing about flat tires and I have this paranoia about my car blowing a tire whilst on the interstate, spinning out of control, and getting hit by oncoming traffic. I also have this weird thing about elevators- I will never ride one unless I have absolutely no alternative (like I'm carrying five coffees and some food). I hate elevator so much because they can fall and there's nothing you can do to catch yourself. And don't get me started about lawn mowers. I have to mow the yard and every time I start it up I say this little prayer along the lines of, "Please don't explode, please don't explode." Then there's the, "What if there's carbon monoxide in my house and I don't wake up tomorrow morning?" Though that one is probably unlikely!

  5. After watching that Discovery Channel show Monsters Inside Me, I say very firmly that you can never be too safe. Much better than the alternative, anyway.

  6. Did you say... peeing yourself in public? That's a scary thought, alright. So, yeah... I'm a cat lover too. Well, I'm not really their lover, but I've got two cats with issues: Mongo AKA The Batcat and Pebles, who thinks she's an opera singer.

    Nice to meet you. Let's have a beer wih the boys.

  7. And here I thought I had anxiety issues! I'm more freaked out by the parasites (outside of my body) I have to interact and be civil with on a semi-regular basis than ones growing within.

  8. The problem with taking dog de-wormers is that you want to chase cars. And hump people's legs. Which could be a problem. Depending on who they were.

  9. Here's an old joke that may help...

    A teacher is trying to educate her students on the perils of drinking. She says, "Class, please watch."

    She places two clear glasses on a table in front of the students. She fills one glass with water and the other glass with whiskey.

    She then places a worm in the glass filled with water. The worm swims around and seems rather delighted with it's new surroundings.

    She then takes a second worm and places it in the glass of whiskey. The worm immediately dies and sinks to the bottom.

    The teachers says, "Class, what have we learned by doing this experiment?"

    A pupil raises his hand. She calls on him, She says, "Yes, George, can you tell me what we've learned?"

    George says, "Sure, that's easy. Drink whiskey and you'll never have worms."


We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.