Friday, March 23, 2012

God didn't do that, you did!

In trying to catch up with my commenters I've kind of fallen behind on actual blogging. I'm still like 3 posts behind (well 4 now, if you count this one), so I might just say feck it and start over. I feel guilty about that, though. Y'all take the time to come here and have a read and tell me your thoughts; I should obviously reciprocate. I need more hours in my day. 

But I also hate when bloggers stop blogging with no explanation, so I guess I'll have a bit of a ramble, even though in general I feel as though I have run out of things to say. 

I think Lil Bro#2 may have found my blog... I don't know for sure, though. FIGURES that one of my siblings would search the internet for "drunk hobbit" and that the picture from the LotR post would be one of only two pics on the internet of that hobbit. Proof that some things truly are genetic.

Just for 3 days...

and then again in April for a week....

It's kind of falling at a bad time, though. Since my eff-vitamins* post, I have not touched opiates. That's over a week, so I'm doing pretty well.


The lack of vitamins* has caused a bit of a relapse with the ED. And I just realized that this is exactly what happened last time I almost recovered from the ED and then relapsed--the food problem got hidden by the drug problem. Because on vitamins*, I can exercise enough that I don't worry about what I eat, which is not ED recovery at all; it's just hiding one problem with another.  I can't exercise nearly as well sober (and crikey I get SO BORED!!), so my brain automatically begins demanding that I not eat anything to make up for it. If I manage to burn 450 calories at the gym (a good day), I am only allowed to eat up to 600--that sort of (il)logic. And it's so hard to find solid ground in the face of so much reckless self destruction.

So I feel like a double-failure. My brain tells me I'm a failure because I'm fat/eating too much/weak/etc; I feel like a failure because I'm having a bad recovery week. Other shite keeps piling up as well. Like at home--the two step-twats that live far away have at least fecked off back home so we only have one of them to deal with; but the whole situation with step-dad is really deteriorating. I've started and trashed several posts trying to fully explain that, but it never comes out right. Perhaps I should just stick with blunt honestly and if it makes me sound like a heartless b*tch, so be it.

Step-dad is dying of the combined forces of emphysema, lung cancer, diabetes, and heart disease; but he is dying far too slowly for everyone involved. He's actually been "dying" for the better part of the last five years, leaving everyone around him to wonder if perhaps he's ever going to die at all.

Seriously if I'm ever dying this slowly, the first person who shoots me inherits everything I own.

At this point, Step-dad needs to stay attached to his oxygen machine at all times. He has no energy and no appetite. Not much quality of life at all. (Not that he ever did anything besides sit in front of the TV and drink when he was well....). And aside from that, he has no one around who actually wants him alive.

Yes, that's mean, but I said I'd be honest. You reap what you sow, and he most certainly sowed this.

.....yeah I can't talk about this. Maybe another time.

Oh and both Anorexic Auntie and Loud Auntie are arriving on Monday.  For a week. I love them to death, but I feel like my stress level is about to go from "moderate" to "apocalypse." 

Speaking of the apocalypse, I just started watching The Walking Dead and I FREAKING LOVE IT. 

....I know this is a bit late for St. Paddy's day, but since I had such success with this recipe, I shall post it!
You will need:
a whole lot of shite not really. The recipe can be much simpler, or as complicated as you want to make it. Because this is (or should be) a 12 to 18 layer cake, there is an incredible amount of room for customization.
- 4 sticks (2 cups) butter, softened
- 1/2 cup granulated sugar
- 1/2 cup dark brown sugar
- 1 tsp vanilla extract
- 10 large eggs
- 1/2 tsp salt
- 1 cup flour
- for a traditional spekkoek (which is really just a spiced cake): cardamom, cinnamon, ginger, clove, and nutmeg
- I also used 1/2 cup cocoa powder and melted chocolate chips for the choco layers

To make it:
I'm going to just lay out the simple traditional method for a regular spekkoek. I'll put my changes that I made for the St. Paddy's day cake at the end. 
- Make sure you have lots of clean bowls, and that you're close enough to the sink to keep going back and washing your mixer or whisk after each step. Do not preheat the oven. You'll only need the broiler after you have finished all the prep.

- In a large mixing bowl, combine the butter and sugar.

- Next you need to separate the eggs, because first only the yolks get mixed in with the butter and sugar. Set the egg whites aside in a separate bowl. 

- Then whip up the egg whites until they're stiff, like whipped cream.

- Gradually mix the whipped egg whites into the yolk/sugar/butter mix. Do not panic--it's supposed to look like that. (should have the consistency of cottage cheese kinda?)

- Sift the flour and mix it in. It should end up with a consistency more like pancake batter than cake batter. 

- Now separate the batter, with half in two different bowls. Add the vanilla extract to one, add the spices to the other (I used 1 tsp ginger, 1 tsp cinnamon, 1/2 tsp cardamom, 1/2 tsp nutmeg, 1/4 tsp clove; but you can really use how much you want for your tastes.)

For my St. Paddy's spekkoek, I separated everything early on--separated the butter/sugar mixes so that one had brown sugar and the other white; and then after the step of adding the flour to each, I took 1/3 of each of those mixes so that I had a 3rd bowl of both brown and white sugar. I put the vanilla in the white sugar mix, the spices in the one with both sugars, and the cocoa powder and melted chocolate in the one with only brown sugar. Then I dyed the spiced mixture green and attempted to dye the chocolate mixture orange.

NOW gather all of your patience, because it's time to cook it. 

- Turn on the broiler.

- I used a circular 9" baking pan; a really really good one that is non-stick even when not greased. Most of the recipes I looked up recommended greasing the bottom of the pan with butter or something similar and then adding a layer of wax paper, and then greasing that as well. With my skills in dropping things, setting things on fire, and blowing things up, I thought it best to just stick to the pan with no wax paper. However, if you want your spekkoek to look fab with no icing (like a traditional spekkoek) I would try the wax paper method.

- Pour a very very thin layer of cake mix into the pan and spread it evenly on the bottom. It doesn't matter which one you start with--spiced or plain. I started with the chocolate.

- Stick that under the broiler and WATCH IT. Every oven is different. My layers took between 1 to 1 1/2 minutes to cook, but the first bunch of layers might take up to 2 minutes because they're farther away from the heat. Take the pan out as soon as the layer of cake is solid. 

- Add a really thin layer of the other mix over the first one, spreading it out evenly. 

- This can take a while because of the consistency of the mix. Just do your best and try not to get frustrated. Broil the next layer just like the first one. And then the next and the next, alternating between the spiced mix and the plain mix. 

- When you're finished (it should have a minimum of 12 layers, but don't beat yourself up if you don't get there on the first try...). Let the cake cool. 
Then remove it from the pan. 
Mine wasn't perfect, so I iced it. :D

For Easter, I plan on making this again, only ditching most of the spices and separating the final batter into like 6 different bowls and making each one a different colour, so I can have a rainbow spekkoek. Obvs, there shall be photos. 

Have a good weekend, kids! <3


  1. Sorry to hear you've had a few drawbacks from the lack of vitamins Mich, you seem to be doing not too bad though and that's a good thing at least. I love the recipe too, it looks absolutely amazing!

    Don't feel too bad about not commenting too much either, at least on my blog. As much as I love your comments, posting's more important than commenting I guess. Did I say before how cool I find it that you've been to Sligo before? Probably haha, my memory sucks.

  2. You seem to have a lot going on! I'm not surprized you don't have much time to blog! I hope everything gets better for you and some hillbilly with a bow and arrows comes and fights off all the zombies that attack you!

  3. you have no time to fuck me? :c
    shit. don't we know that type of thinking. always hiding one problem with another. confused. correlated. yup. ED thinking signs is what we notice.
    aweee. and who lives that long with all of that crap?! i noticed something. lung cancer, diabetes, emphysema, and heart disease sounds a lot like the guy smokes and eats a lot. forgive me if i'm wrong but i think he's truly in the mass of his own self-destruction.
    i claim your kidneys, liver, and your heart. just in case, you know.
    holy shit. what is all that food?!
    there are cakes that are 12-18 layers?! holy shit. orgasmic.
    omg. it sounds like i have to actually have patience. and energy to cook. this is coming from someone who lives on canned soup, peanut butter, bread, cereal and won't stand 4 minutes near the microwave to heat her oatmeal up.
    LOOK -
    (length of attention span)
    -Sam Lupin

  4. Ummm, Hi dear Mich, i would be a Giant Big Head if i thought one of those bloggers was me, so pay me no mind AT ALL.............AT ALL............!!!!!!!!.
    i miss you too.

    i wish i knew what to say except i hope you feel better really, really soon and i miss you so much too. If i were feeling really, really brave, i might actually say i miss my stupid, stupid blob too.

    i am really sorry about your Step-Dad.

    xoxo, tracy

  5. Yeah my roommate has just finished wathching The Walking Dead and she is so obbsessed with the show. She finishe watching all the episodes in two days! Anyway sounds like an exciting show, a good thing to take your mind off other things.


  6. I stopped blogging new blogs for the month of March (I put in some hideous reruns, though, just to prove to folks that I'm still alive). I've also cut way down on the blogs I read and the comments I write. The main reason is that I'm preparing for the A-Z Challenge. My plan is to have 26 brand new posts all set to go for the challenge. Ideally, that will then give me plenty of time to read and comment. I'm not done yet, but so far, so good.
    Speaking of the Walking Dead, that's me every morning.

  7. Your brain is telling you a pile of bullshit.


    Every tiny little step in the right direction is a MASSIVE FUCKING VICTORY and the ridiculous black-and-white thinking tends to hide it from us. Even if you're having a crappy week, you're still winning if you're still trying to go in the right direction. Even if you don't manage to get as far as you thought you should, you're still a legend.

    I feel so special that you took time to comment on me :D I'm a bit behind too, coz I'm a lazy git. We'll catch up eventually, yes?

    Hmmmm, I have an almost-fairy-princess dress (My 6th form formal/prom dress) and am an ok-ish singer. This could be done, but unfortunately NZ has no native woodland "animals" per se. The nearest thing would have been Moa, but they got scoffed down by the South Island tribes before pakeha turned up with their edible mammals. Would farm animals be an acceptable substitute?

    Take care and stay warm <3

  8. When it rains.......

    I hope you're having an ok weekend with the dog-sitting, and then a good week with your aunts. If anyone can handle an overflow of stress, it's you! As for your stepfather, you are a good person and I don't think you would ever be cruel or nasty or anything, so if you feel that way about him I have to conclude that he deserves it.

    Love you!

  9. I'm bad at blogging :( I just don't have the time or motivation most days :( And omg!! I love zombie type films :D They are mega awsome!!!!! You can overcome these feelings, if anyone can, it's you! Your a strong beautiful human being :) xx

  10. Grrr! Why can't life just play along?! I hope you survive the housesitting and the aunts!

    I know it sounds harsh, but I do wish step-dad would just step on a rainbow already! Like you said, he has no quality of life and it might put an end to all the bickering. Then again, it might not! Ugh, family! Still, I commend you on your honesty, sometimes it's best to just put things plainly!

    That cake looks so good! All my favourite flavours! Can't wait to see the Easter one! Pretty!

    Chin up, Sweetheart! I love you bigtime! :)

  11. You are a kickass human being and the calm little center of the universe. It's ok for you to be honest. We all know you're not a heartless b!tch. You are generous and kind. Which is evident in how happy you are to send out bits of your hoard, in you sending out Valentines, St Paddy's packages. And even in your concern over commenting on your readers' blogs. Your big sweet heart is clearly evident to anyone with half a brain. So you go ahead and vent what you need to vent. We got your back.

    That cake looks soooooo yummy. Nott sure I have the patience to make one. And since I am also a disaster in the kitchen, I wouldn't use wax paper either. Besides, I'm amused when food looks like garbage but tastes delicious.

  12. Deep breaths... Visualize a white sand beach with lovely clear blue water... And now visualize everybody you hate drowning in it, while you suck up a margarita on shore.

    Feel better?

  13. I fucking love Walking Dead. So many zombies, not enough hot people with guns. :D Hope all is well.

  14. Take your time...we'll wait.

    Try this as a mantra... "I write my blog for ME and no one else."

    We're fortunate when some nice people (who also write their blogs for themselves) want to read along and want to comment, but that does not obligate us to them in any way.

    Bloggers understand this. We all feel the same pressures to answer everyone. It's easy when you have 10 followers, impossible when you have 541.

    Leave "doing the impossible" to your deity of choice, and start enjoying your blogging again!

    xoxoxo, cd

  15. I know the feel. I've been barely able to maintain posting every 3 days let alone commenting back to all my followers.

    Can't wait until the term ends. Maybe I can sleep again.

  16. Your cake looks amazing. I am so impressed. If it were some kind of dramatic play I'd have probably fallen off my chair!

    You are doing so amazingly. Please try and tell your brain to shut up for a while so it can see what progress you are making too.

    I cannot empathise enough about the idea of having all the aunts in one house at once. It used to happen for a week every Christmas and then a holiday 'just us girls' each year until the monumental argument and fall out between my mum and one of her sisters. Totally saw it coming and I was only 7. It's funny how quickly you learn to wise up about things when you're little. With the immeadiate family (that's family that live somewhere in the UK because no one lives close) we have lovely but crazy cat aunty, scary aunty, irrational-passive-agressive aunty (that's my mum, poor cousins) and then craaaazy-living-like-an-OAP-despite-young-age aunty. Basically lots of crazy.
    I hope the week is going okay so far. And that your head hasn't exploded or something similiar (we would all miss you far too much!!). Maybe you'll have some fun too :)

    Don't worry about catching up as a priority, it is lovely to hear from you when you get a chance :) This goes for your blogging too! I know that when I'm in a really bad place I don't even realise that I've posted sometimes. It's the fact that my blog can be ephemeral that let's me come back. If it existed all the time it wouldn't be as effective. Plus I could never get rid of it (fingers crossed, touch wood, etc. etc.) because I'd miss all of you guys too much and you are all such an amazing supportive community. Don't forget you are part of that!!

    Take care, big huggles xxxxxxx


We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.