Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment.

I suppose it's safe to presume that the bigger your family, the more chances there are of bad things happening to people in your family. Laws of probability and whatnot. 

My uncle was just diagnosed with liver cancer. 

(Not actual uncle--Anorexic Auntie's husband; but I've known him most of my life so he's my Uncle.)

So yeah, liver cancer. I looked it up immediately after Mum told me. I wish I hadn't. The survival rate is generally not that high. 

This is bullsh*t. 

Ano and fam were supposed to be in Spain, enjoying some time at Loud Auntie's house by the beach. They really needed that holiday. Ano Auntie took Granny's death the hardest of all the 8 kids, and she's been like ridiculously depressed for over a year. Plus she's having kidney issues and now has some condition that can't be fixed, so she's been put on a ton of meds and a special diet that restricts her from eating most of her favourite foods (which is not exactly helping the eating disorder). 

Her daughter, C. probably took Granny's death the hardest out of everyone in the entire family. C, who is 17, has Downs Syndrome and since Ano Auntie refused to send her to a special school where she might actually learn something she can retain and use later in life, she goes to a normal secondary school and has no friends. Granny was her only friend--they used to talk on the phone multiple times a day and discuss all their fav TV shows for hours. Now Granny is gone, C's father was just diagnosed with cancer, and her mother is teetering on the edge of a total nervous breakdown. 

Loud Auntie canceled her American holiday to go and stay with Ano Auntie for a while. We can't go be with our family because we live on the other side of the bloody ocean. I hate that my parents moved here. HATE IT. We're too far removed from our family and with each bad thing that happens, I feel like we're getting more and more removed. 

We were here when my cousin died of cancer (in 1994; she was 19), so we couldn't help out Bipolar Auntie. We were here when Granddad dropped dead of a heart attack with no warning whatsoever (1997). I was stuck in Philadelphia and couldn't get home fast enough to go to Ireland with Mum when Uncle Chris also dropped dead of a heart attack with no warning whatsoever (2003). We were stuck here when Granny got sick last March. 

And then last May, when I was away in the Dominican Republic, Granny died and no one told me. They didn't tell me until I got home to New Jersey, 2 days after the funeral. (Apparently there was a large graveside argument about this, between various cousins and my mother...)

This makes me want to claw my eyes out. I feel like a cast away--adrift in a big country full of people who are not my family. 

When I was little, I used to beg Mum to take us to live in Ireland. Like BEGGING with tears and fury and door slamming and throwing myself face-down on the floor. I hated it here. I hated school, hated my town, hated all the kids I played with and went to school with, hated living in a house with no father and a mother who was never home and no other family nearby. I wanted a Home. When I was sent to Ireland every summer, I would hide out in the bogs on my last day there, praying that Mum would just leave me behind when she couldn't find me. In Shannon airport, getting onto the plane that would take us back to New Jersey, I would turn into a shrieking, suicidal, blubbering mess. 

I started cutting the year Mum decided to stay in the U.S. for Christmas. I was 9.

Ugh. 

I mean I totally love this country now. But I still don't want to live here. And of course now that I'm over 18 and can technically make my own decisions about where I live, I don't have the means to go live in Ireland. I have no savings--it all went to college. I have too much debt. There are no jobs over there, especially in Achill, as it's about as "middle of nowhere" as you can get without dropping off into the sea. 

>:O

I'm sorry for the non-happy post. Today is a bad day. The weather outside matches my mood.

*~*~*A little something for those of you stuck in 9-5 office jobs*~*~*