Do not take me for some conjurer of cheap tricks!

This past weekend, I did not binge. And I did not stave. I did something I haven't done in a looooooooooooooooooooooong time: ate like a normal person. I ate when I was hungry, did not count anything, didn't stuff my face until I could no longer breathe, and even ::gasp:: ate a couple snacks of junk food-type things WITHOUT going crazy or climbing the walls in anxiety. 

How do you retrain yourself to eat? It's not like it was something you were ever really taught in the first place. It should be something you do by instinct. In disordering our eating habits, we are essentially unraveling a piece of our brains that should not be capable of unraveling after tens of thousands of years of evolution. So how in the heck are we supposed to knit it back together?!?

People who have never had to deal with the reality of an eating disorder seem to think it's easy to "recover." Just start eating again--how hard can it be, right??

Totally. 'Cause if it was that easy, I would definitely still be disordered. 

Idiots.

....Where was I?

oh yeah.... Food scares me. Foods containing carbohydrates REALLY scare me. I'm quite happy walking around acting like bread, potatoes, rice, pasta, pastry, etc. are simply figments of my imagination. They can't see me if I can't see them, right? But in order to re-learn how to eat, I need to face my fear of bread-things. 

Bigger and scarier than that is simply learning how to eat in general. This is not simply a matter of "oh hey I was starving myself, but now I'm all better, so I'll just go eat something."

No. It doesn't work like that. My brain is now hard-wired to either eat nothing, or to eat everything. That in-between space of normal, healthy portions? It's light walking a tightrope.

Food--especially any kind of carby junk food--makes me feel like that shark from Finding Nemo.

JUST A BIIITE!!!

I try. I REALLY try to have just one cookie. Just one normal-sized bowl of ice cream. Just one serving of Frosties. 

But that one portion sets off the Armageddon Neurons. 

Scientific Fact--foods high in carbs cause an increase in serotonin, which basically causes a reduction in anxiety in the brain, thus making me associate carb-bingeing with decreased anxiety and increased feelings of comfort, which in turn ends in me inhaling every carbohydrate in the immediate vicinity. 

Since my brain is responding to the spike in serotonin levels rather than to whether or not I'm hungry or full, I can't stop eating until I actually physically cannot stuff any more food into my stomach. And yet it still feels like there's this empty, hollow space that needs to be filled. On the occasions I actually have managed to stop mid-binge, the moments following that self control are pure TORTURE. This feels like some kind of Ancient Greek punishment in the afterlife. 

This afternoon, for example, the office pretzels derailed me a bit. I brought several snacks for the day (Quaker Oats mini rice cake things, beef jerky, dry roasted edamame, fiber bar) and thought I could totally have a small handful of the pretzels around lunchtime, without going nuts. 

Wrong. 

I think I stopped myself at like 50. Ugh. 

Now I know that theoretically it's ok for a normal person to have the occasional junk food, or even occasional pig-out day. But bingeing--senseless, mindless, emotional over-eating--is just as unhealthy as starving. Both mentally and physically unhealthy. Since I can only seem to do one or the other, my disordered "logic" tells me to just give up on the whole idea of "recovery." I can't do it and that's that, and since I seem only capable of either bingeing or starving, starvation is clearly the better option. Since my only options are unhealthy ones, I should go with the one that will keep me thin, right?

It's a self-destructive cycle that makes me feel like a hamster running on a little wheel. 

But on to more positive things!

Saturday, Friend and I went on a nature adventure to Wawayanda State Park. We wanted to have a nautical picnic, so in preparation, I decided to experiment some more with that rice paper and make some delicious spring roll type things for our picnic lunch. 

I made two kinds. The first was broccoli, yellow summer squash, and zucchini stir fried in low-sodium teriyaki.

 

I cut everything up really small, to make it easier to roll up. 

Friend took this photo, 'cause I was running late (story of my life) and forgot to get a pic of those ones. 

I made a sauce to go with that one: 2 tbsp low fat mayonnaise, 1 tsp horseradish mustard, and 1 tsp wasabi powder made for a lovely dipping sauce that was spicy enough for me, but not too spicy for Friend. 

For the other set of spring rolls, I did a weird take on an Italian sausage, peppers, and onions sandwich recipe. I sauteed red peppers and onions (cut up as small as possible, for easier spring-rolling).

And I cooked three little veggie-sausage patties in the oven, 

then mashed them up and added them to the frying pan. 

For both spring rolls, I actually cut the pieces of rice paper in half before rolling, to make smaller rolls that were more bite size, and thus more canoe-picnic friendly. 

Then rolled them up and tried to make them look pretty.

They both turned out extremely delicious. Even Mum and Little Sis liked them.

We canoed for 2 hours, and then wandered in the woods for another two hours or so and took photos. Mine aren't developed yet, but I got some seriously awesome ones with the new zoom lens. Friend got some awesome photos, too. She took this one of me, which I thoroughly enjoyed:

Her photo are pretty awesome. The website is here. 

I think I look quite saint-like. 

After our adventure, we went and bought some steaks and cold salads, and I not only successfully operated the barbecue, I managed to NOT overcook out steaks. They were more or less raw and dripping blood. 

In other words, perfectly cooked. 

And the liquor store beside the A&P had my fav beer!

Maine turned me into a beer snob. I now rarely drink beer (which is a good thing, I guess?) because nothing tastes as good as Allagash or Shipyard. And you have to say Shipyard correctly, like a Mainer ("ship-yahhd"). I actually don't drink that much anymore at all in general, come to think of it. Sure I'll have a couple glasses of wine if I'm out to dinner, but I've gone off the drink like for going out to the pub. I used to go get smashed (or at least fairly drunk--never obnoxious or inappropriately drunk because I am a LADY) like every weekend. Idk... it just got old. And I think watching others getting too drunk to the point of inappropriate and embarrassing behavior out in public kind of turned me off liquor. 

Le sigh.

My butt still hurts from the two-hour canoe ride. And it's bruised where my butt-bones touched the metal seat.

-____-

Leg and arm muscles are starting to get sore as well, from working out. Does that mean I'm starting to burn off muscle now? 'Cause my body should be well used to vigorous exercise at this point. There's hardly any wobbly bits left--everything is solid muscle. It's awesome, but also scary at the same time. I don't really want to build a lot of muscle. I just want to be lean. But I feel like if I can't control myself with the exercising, I'm going to start building big muscles. 

Another thing the average normal person doesn't get about being eating disordered--there's usually more to it that just the food. My exercise addiction is still pretty much out of control, as is the usage of yumyums for exercising. I've almost run out of the hardcore vitamins*, so we'll see how I'm doing in a week or so...