In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.

My cats don't like the weekends. 'Tis something we have in common; and funny enough, we both dislike the weekends for food-related reasons. 


On weekdays, Mum gets up earliest, at around 6.15 or 6.30. And the first thing she does when she gets downstairs? Feed the kiikiiis. But on weekends, we sleep in. Daisy especially does not like this, and the later it is on Saturday morning, the more pissed off Daisy gets. 


Her patience only takes her so far. After that, it's time to wake up the slaves, because Daisy wants her damn breakfast. 


You know when, even though you're deeply asleep, you jolt awake because your subconscious KNOWS that something is in the room?

Even though the cat is completely silent, they're sending brain-waves. A telepathic message that says, "Wake the eff up slave!!!"

And you open your eyes and kitty is there staring at you with a look of pure disgust.

Because as a slave, you have FAILED. 


Yesterday morning, this got me pondering the psychology of house cats. This one time I was sleeping at my cousin's house--we had partied hardcore for Halloween and crashed at her place. Normally Cousin and her girlfriend leave their bedroom door open a bit so their 3 pitbulls, 1 Alsatian, and 9 cats could go in and out as they pleased; but since there were quite a few people in various stages of extreme intoxication all staying in the house, they closed their bedroom door that night. 


I opened my eyes at 9.00 the next morning to find all 9 cats sitting beside the bed, staring at me. I have NEVER--before or since then--seen all 9 of Cousin's cats. Only 3 of them are friendly. The others either stay outside all the time, or hide when there are people over. But it was breakfast time, and since the usual slaves had shut their bedroom door, the kitties came to demand that I get their breakfast. 


Because your cat does not love you unconditionally like a dog does. Your cat has a Bast-Complex.

Kitty is God, and humans are there to serve her. And if her humans aren't doing their job Properly, Kitty might just go and find better slaves. 


I had a friend whose cat spent a lot of time outdoors. The cat would go visit Friend's neighbours, and the neighbours would give the cat treats. After a while, the cat just moved in to Neighbour's house. The Neighbours tried to bring it back to Friend, and apologized profusely, but Cat preferred Neighbours and would not be convinced to go home. So now Cat lives with Neighbours. 


We have a cat who comes to visit our house. I call him Chaaaaaaaaarrrliieee (like the unicorn). We feed him treats, and even though my cats will fight with any other cats who come into our yard, they don't have a problem with Chaaaaaaaaarrrliieee. And I'm pretty sure that if we let him inside, Chaaaaaaaaarrrliieee would stay with us forever.


People have this funny idea that when your cat brings you dead animals, Kitty is actually bringing you a "present."


This is incorrect.

When Kitty brings you dead animals, Kitty expects Praise. Because clearly, if Kitty killed something, then she has some mad skills. 


Also, Kitty is reminding you that if necessary, she would have no problem feeding herself. But you are Slave, so you will continue to feed her. Because that is your lot in life.


But this is why I love cats. They put you in your place. They remind you that you are only as good as the job you're doing as their slave. They will not do tricks, or take orders, or put up with shenanigans. If you want love and affection from your cat, you really have to EARN it. 


If you're a good slave, you will be rewarded. You may be given the benefit of a cuddle, or of having your cat snuggle on your lap...

...and kneading your lap with its claws.


This is an extra special honor if your cat isn't really lap-sized, or if she isn't really the kind of cat who normally sits on laps.

(Daisy weighs 16 pounds.)


Or they may reward you with some free cleaning.

If kitty wakes you up in the middle of the night to clean your face, you better believe you're doing a really super epic awesome job as a slave. 


My cats are spoiled rotten. Daisy is supposed to be on a diet (according to the vet), but we have trouble sticking to this. It's very difficult not to give her the usual amount of food when she gives you that glare that says you failed. Callisto is even more spoiled--she gets a bit of whatever we're eating (within reason--I asked the vet to make sure we're only giving her things that won't upset her delicate digestion), and she spends all of her time sleeping, or being cuddled, scratched, and massaged. 


Because seriously, how can you NOT spoil them?

Hope y'all are having a good weekend! And I hope those of you who are Stateside are having limited anxiety for the long weekend and holiday stuffs. I'm off to a barbecue later, so now I'm going to the gym to do some preemptive damage control. 


Laters! <3