Silence is only frightening to people who are compulsively verbalizing.

I started this around midnight last night. Was going to just delete it because I think it's mostly rubbish, but there's a certain raw, straight-from-my-subconscious feel about it. So I'll leave it posted. 
There is, however, a disclaimer--I DO NOT agree with, condone, or wish to promote any of the self-destructive behaviors I talk about in this post. I know it's wrong. I know I should not be doing these things. But I do them anyway. If y'all have even the smallest shred of common sense, you will not follow in my zigzagging footsteps.


I can't sleep.


o.O


Waaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh


I don't understand how I can be high as a kite on the sleeping pills (100 mg diphenhydramine, 25 mg doxylamine) and yet I still can't sleep. I don't want to dig into my Xanax supply, because I like hoarding the good stuff. 


Feck.


I'm  trying to catch up on all the blogs I'm following (like 300ish?). An impossible number to keep up with on a regular basis, so I am sorry if I don't get a chance to comment on your blogs as often as I'd like. I generally go through my commenters first--seems fairest. So if you think I'm ignoring you, feel free to come yell at me, and I will stop. ;)


This ad almost made me wet myself laughing:


Just the bit with the rainbow. ON FIRE!!


OMG I need sleep.


One more night of house sitting, and then I can finally go home. I don't know why I agree to do this every year. All it does is stress me out because their dogs SUCK with the barking and vomiting and lack of proper house training. It also makes me extremely aware of the fact that I should never live alone. I've only been in friend's house for a week (as of today, Friday since it's past midnight) and I am completely and totally indulging in the worst of my habits:
- I have not eating anything solid since Sunday night. During the day, I have coffee, and carry around a Spiru-Tein shake for when I feel weak or faint, and have soup at night if I feel brave. I have not gone over 300 calories all week.
- Despite the lack of intake, I've been working out like normal. 45 minutes to an hour on friend's exercise bike every evening, plus power-walking around the neighbourhood.
- I recently came into a new supply of vitamins* as well, hence being able to work out that much on so little nourishment. I'm having some trouble breathing through my nose.
- Oxycontin does not make you vomit like morphine and oxymorphone do. 
- Since the dogs barked until 3.30 AM on Monday night, I ended up taking a lot of xanax and then slept for 14 hours. Somehow I managed to get up at 7.30 and text Boss that I was sick without being consciously aware of doing so at the time.
- I haven't spoken to anyone other than people at work and my mother since Sunday.


As much as I do enjoy solitude, there is a big difference between having lots of quiet alone time and actually living alone. The closest I ever came to living alone was my third year in Philadelphia. I really hated it there at that point. I had wanted to come home after the fall semester, but the 'rents said absolutely not--finish the year, and then you can think about transferring to a local college. 


My roommate pretty much lived in the printmaking studios at school, so I spent the spring semester of 2005 skipping classes, not speaking to anyone, and spending most of my time shut in my room bouncing between marijuana, OTC sleeping pills, the occasional black tar opium, percocets, and vodka. And alternately binge-eating and starving. That was also when I started cutting again after 4 years of self harm sobriety. When I went home for a long weekend in the beginning of May, just before finals, I must have looked like a total trainwreck because Mum was like HOLY FECK, what the hell is wrong with you?!?


There was no more "discussion" or "maybes" about transferring colleges after that. I went fleeing back to New Jersey before finals were even over. (I hadn't bothered to do most of my final assignments anyway, so there was no point in sticking around).


So yeah I think I'm a bit of a danger to myself if left completely isolated. Like a pig--they can turn from domesticated farm pigs into wild pigs in less than a year if they escape (it's nuts; they're whole appearance changes in a really short time--there was a National Geographic documentary on it).


At home, even though I spend a good deal of time alone doing my own thing, I have my cat, and Mum and Little Sis living there, which keeps me social and forces me to interact with other humans on a regular basis. And Mum keeps me in check without being overbearing (most of the time) so I don't completely fall off the anorexic-pill popping-self harming cliff edge. This happy environment keeps me mostly sane.

But when left completely alone and isolated, it's amazing how quickly my mental health disintegrates.

Just like a farm-raised pig released into the wild. 


..... Xanax was taken after that. And I actually had  a good night's sleep!


Home to all my creature comforts in a few hours. I never appreciate Home as much as when I'm away from it. Mum is taking me out to Esty Street tonight, because she knows I had a rubbish week. As terrifying as dinner out can be, I'm not that scared. Esty Street is pretty fancy delicious fine dining, so I will allow more than my usual consumption for that. Plus since I haven't' really eaten anything all week, it's about bloody time I had a decent meal.


The girl weenie dog is humping the boy. I'm a bit disturbed by this. 


Hope you're all handling the upcoming Easter holiday ok. I plan to allow myself a little Easter candy. And we're having our usual morning fry-up, plus dinner at Step-mom's parent's. I pretty much only eat meat for Easter, so since it's carb-free I figure it won't be too bad. 
We do a serious fry-up for brunch--all stuff from the supermarket that carries the Irish meat (proper sausage and rashers, and my ultimate favourite: BLACK PUDDING :D)

And then step-grandmother always does a rack of lamb for an early dinner.

So yeah I refuse to get over-anxious. 


Have a happy Easter weekend, my luvs!