Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Oh it's like a disease, son.

Firstly, hey to new followers! I feel so popular. :D Almost like being back in high school, except in this case I promise I will not ditch any of you to go join the goth kids. (Although goth kids are more than welcome here.) I’ve noticed that a number of ye new followers are not from the realm of eating disorder blogs, so I hope you’re not put off by the more disordered posts. I must say you have all been very gracious in your comments on those posts, and I appreciate it. <3

Starving Artist wanted to hear Car Stories, and I am more than happy to oblige. Be warned—this will probably be a lengthy post. Everyone seems to have some good car stories, especially when it comes to one’s first car. I got my permit and my license within one month of each other, a few months after I turned 17. I never got the permit at 16 because I kept failing the written test, and by the time 17 rolled around I had sort of lost interest because I failed the written test again.

Now, at age 27, I drive a red Toyota Yaris (his name is the Virus Pimp), and it is spectacular. 

 A bit of history first: Back in 2001 when I got my license, Mum still had a pretty awesome job and thus could afford to have two cars—one for normal everyday driving, and one just for fun. Mum developed a thing for Jeeps in the 90’s, when she was still driving her superhot Jaguar XJS.
I loved that car, but its Issues really outweighed the hotness.
If you have ever been in or driven a car that was made in England prior to the 1990's, then you understand why she needed a second, more reliable vehicle.

The first Jeep worked. I think it was the 1996 Cherokee Sport. After Mum got rid of the Jaguar for the Mercedes SLK,
(that one was super fun)
 ... she traded the Jeep in for a 2000 Grand Cherokee Limited.

Honestly I’m surprised there aren’t more earthquakes in the eastern regions of this country, because the collected dead of the Cherokee Nation must all be doing somersaults in their graves.

We had Jeep1 when I got my license, and Mum said that since she had the Mercedes, I could have the Jeep. I was like sweeeeet, free car!! 

Don’t ever buy a Jeep unless it was manufactured prior to the year 2000. JUST DON'T DO IT. 

Jeep 1 had a number of alarming psychological problems, mainly centered around the supposedly high tech electrical system. Below the radio, there was a little display that showed a picture of the Jeep, and would tell you with blinking lights and beeps and junk if and when something was wrong with the car (like a low tire, a light out, etc.). According to Jeep1, the driver side brake light went out the second year we had the car and remained out for the duration of Jeep1’s life, despite the fact that—to the human eye—the light was working just fine. Some of the best mechanics in the tri-state area tried to fix this; all were left scratching their heads.

I will admit that the bulk of Jeep1’s issues may in fact have been my fault.

There’s this thing in New Jersey called Devil’s Tower

According to legend, if you drive backwards around it three times/six times (it changes depending on who’s telling the story), then Satan or zombies or cannibalistic witches or whatever will come out and eat you, or something like that. So DUH, I had to try it.

Although I did not see Satan, zombies, or witches, I think Satan may have possessed Jeep1. Because it was never quite the same after that night.

At least once a week, the display would inform me of a new problem. Like HEY YOU DRIVER, there’s a tire out! Wheels fell off! THE CAR IS ON FIRE!!! And I would pull over and panic and check the car and lo and behold, nothing was actually wrong. So I did what any sensible person would do and ignored it.

Then the thing with the passenger side window started. It would randomly go down by itself, but ONLY when I was alone in the car. This was also about the time that Jeep1 began to adamantly insist that the driver side brake light was out and it needed to be fixed IMMEDIATELY.

 Finally, after my first year in college, Mum decided that enough was enough--Jeep1 had to go. Prior to this, Mum did not believe any of my tales of woe regarding Jeep1. She insisted I was just being paranoid. OF COURSE the window isn't rolling down by itself--what nonsense! The car is possessed?! No, you're just cracked. But then one day, Jeep1 one had an epic seizure.

Mum, myself, and a friend were leaving the house--Mum to go shopping in her own car, friend and I probably to go get stoned--and Jeep1 totally lost it. I HAVE WITNESSES FOR THIS. I did not touch the panic button. I did not touch the Jeep. No one touched the Jeep; no one had even gone near it yet, as we were only just leaving the house. But the Jeep went completely spastic--the alarm was going, the wipers were going, the lights were flashing, the windows were going up and down, and I'm fairly certain that Satan was about to come exploding out of the engine at any moment. 

We couldn't get it to stop. Eventually it stopped on its own, but I sure as hell wasn't getting in it after its psychotic episode. Mum sold it pretty soon after that, and we never returned the many phone calls we received from the new owners, who sounded more and more frantic in each voice message they left us.

In what can only be described as an act of total insanity, Mum purchased Jeep2. 
(Mine didn't have the grey bit along the bottom; it was all blue.)
I have a headache already. Shall continue this in another post!



  1. Good post as usual, your followers are much deserved. I loved the car photos too, especially the second photo, that looks like quite the vehicle appearance wise.

  2. Amazing! I simply can't wait until the next installment. :)
    I have a lot of experience driving old crappy English cars (being in England you can't really escape them) my first car was basically a box on wheels that I think must have been make in 1902 not 2002. dreadful. Lots of love. X

  3. I'm always sceptical when people say satan will appear. I doubt he has so little to do that he'd be making personal apperences just cause some person drove backwards around a building!

  4. It would be better if sexy vampires came out to play ;) xx

  5. I was wondering if all your cars would be red and then the last one wasn' made me sad. :P
    I currently drive my Dad's car when I'm home, it is a fiat seicento, 1st gear might aswell not exist and if you go faster than 20mph you need to be in 4th gear (bearing in mind the car has 5 gears and reverse...)
    My mum's cars always have names related to their number plates. Glu(e), bl(u)r, 'DOH(!)' homer simpson style is the current citroen van thing. x

  6. OF COURSE you had to try it. Way too tempting lol. Even for someone who has that many weird issues with technology that jeep thing is super freaky! Poor later owners lol.


  8. hehe I still CAN'T drive and I'm almost 25.. but my goal is to actually pass the test by the end of next summer. I can't be a goddamn working woman who cannot even drive herself to work! hehehe
    Also, that's a lot of red cars :) I want a red Scion or a red VW beetle

    also i emailed you, hope it didn't get spammed! xx

  9. That Cthulu fish is the best car accessory I have ever seen 0_0

  10. fuck! blogger ate my comment.

    SO. redo.

    your jeep story reminds me of this possessed collector's doll (it was a Stitch doll, of all ironies) thing that made the rounds on craisglist, being sold and then eventually given away for free over and over and over again while owners posted more and more horror stories about it until someone just fucking broke down and burned it. lol

    I love that you have a Yaris for secret reasons of my own. O_o

  11. the virus pimp XD hahahahaha

    x x x x x

  12. Totally LOVE that story! Can't wait to hear about Jeep2 :D

  13. That Jag looks like a pretty sweet ride! :)

  14. Aw honey I had a 2000 Jeep Cherokee too. Biggest piece of shit of all time. Mine pulled that crap with the brake light as well!!

  15. it took about five minutes of omg she did a post I requested ai4oe!dfy1hu aaOPQ!~DF u HFY11!Ubc dyu !!!!!!!!!!! o.o to finally actually read it. =D <3 Cars scare the crap out of me. I don't think I'm interested in testing something that might get my future car haunted o.o with my luck it'd happen and I'd be traumatized and run away to become a hermit.
    I love your picture! I wanna paint a dragon on top of my future car in honor of that. They can't get mad at me for painting the TOP of the car...

  16. A couple things:

    The Virus Pimp? LOL.

    I just read your post about how you need to wear make up all the time. I literally laughed until I cried. Not kidding.

    I also read the post where you dissected your purse, and I wanted to tell you that it actually does not suprise me in the slightest that you carry an alethiometer around with you.

  17. I apologize for my lengthy absence. I was um...writing. Yeah, that's it. Writing...

    You can't seem to get away from these haunted objects...I never really believed that stuff before, but it seems like ghosts/demons/etc. not only exist, they are all congregating at Camp Mich. Yikes. You don't live near the Pine Barrens, do you? lol

    Also, I must admit to being one of those non-ED people who were initially scared off by the ED-centric posts when I first started reading your blog. Not gonna get into that here (though you can ask me and I'll explain) but your illustrations won me over, and now that I have a better understanding of what y'all go through I can enjoy ALL of your blog posts without being overcome with the fear that you will wither away and die.



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