Tuesday, October 18, 2011

I wouldn't eat anything that color unless it came out of a cereal box.

 Remember that delicious guy I saw a few times at the gym? I got a better look at him a while back and he wasn't as hot as he looked from farther away. But then today I saw him close up, and he had his hair down.

Only an older Brian May.

More like that.

But since he's not Brian May, I wasn't too sure how I felt about the look.

Brian May is a f**king GOD. Or he's at least in the in the top 10 on the list of Greatest Humans of All Time. 
don't question it

If you don't know who Brian May is, SHAME on you!!

Aside from being half of the genius that was Queen, he's invented all sorts of music-type equipment, is an animal activist, and he has a frigging PhD in astrophysics.

Speaking of boys.... Friend brought up the crush last weekend. (He's her cousin.)  Apparently he was intimidated by my dizzying intellect.

Where are the nice decent men? I don't think I ask for all that much in a man. I don't need someone who looks like a rock star, I don't want an intellectual, I don't care about how much money he makes or what kind of car he drives or how much porn he looks at. I just want a gentleman, and a man who could build me a house with his bare hands, and who likes to sit in his recliner with a six pack and watch sports on Sundays, and who enjoys being loud with his buddies and having a cigar while barbecuing.

It's really not all that much to ask, for feck's sake.

It really ticks me off that these things seem to only have a lifespan of one year. I use it in my car, to connect the ipod to the radio. I've gone through 3 of them because after a year or so, they just stop working.

Like seriously, it's BS. Such a simple little thing--why the heck can't it work for more than 12 months?!? It's not like it's some crazy complicated high-tech thing. It's an effing audio adapter. These things have been around in some form or another for like a hundred years. AND I NEED MY IPOD TO WORK IN MY CAR.

Ipods are a really brilliant little invention, don't y'all think? And I'm not really crazy about technology and gadget-type things, but being able to carry 14 days' worth of music around in a thing that's the same size as my cell phone is pretty rad. I remember the days of airplane travel in which I had to drag a 5-pound case of cassettes, and then the even heavier CD case in my carry-on bag. I couldn't settle on just a few CD's, because I'm like ADDDJ with music--I can switch from Beethoven to Abba to Slayer to Lady Gaga to Rob Zombie to Cab Calloway to Tarja to Queen to Leadbelly to Marilyn Manson to Brahms and back again like 25 times on a 2-hour car ride.
(I nearly soiled myself the first time I saw that.)

The DVR is pretty rad, too. I'm only just getting the hang of it, but it's pretty exciting to be able to have 100+ hours of Law & Order SVU available in that little box whenever I want to watch it.

But I have to say that my favourite modern invention--the one that makes me shudder when I think of what it was like to live without it--is the dishwasher.

I mean it's not a huge deal having to wash your own dishes. I had no dishwasher for the 3 and a half years I lived in Philadelphia. And we had no dishwasher in Ireland (the "dishwasher" was generally the youngest person staying in the house). My roommates in Phila. totally SUCKED at washing dishes. Most of the time they just wouldn't bother, which brought out my Dragon Rage. And then when they did do it, they complained about how much it sucked, which was understandable because they were all doing it wrong--sitting there with the water running and washing each individual thing one at a time with the sponge.


Get your gloves on, toss all the dirty stuff into the sink, dribble some dish soap on it, and fill the sink with scalding hot water. Then all you have to do is just push the dishes round the sink a bit and then take them out and put them in the drying rack. When I showed my roommates that, you would have thought from their reactions that I had just showed them how to turn water into a 40.

Of course you could just skip all of that and get a dishwasher.

Now I know I'm a bit psychotic about my dishwasher, but when you love something that much I think you should take care of it, and take pride in making it do its job Properly. The dishwasher is a glorious thing--it should be treated with reverence. But apparently some people are so simple they can't even operate the dishwasher without catastrophe.

By that I mean Little Sis.

She's the youngest in the family, and there's a pretty big gap between us (I'm the next oldest). Mum was kind of older when she had Lil Sis, and I think at that point she had just totally had it with parenting. Whereas Big Sisters #1 and #2 and I grew up with Super-Strict-Dictator-Mum, Little Sis got Whatever-Just-Do-What-You-Want-Mum.

I'm not complaining--Mum's rules coupled with her total lack of emotional guidance made me self-sufficient at an extremely young age. I knew how to take care of personal hygiene, clean house, do my laundry, con people into giving me rides, and feed myself all without assistance well before I hit age 10.

Little Sis, who just turned 17 last week, can do none of those things. She can't even work the dishwasher.

I'm pretty sure most people--even those without dishwashers--can tell the difference between dish soap and dishwasher soap.

It's not like it would be cataclysmic if you were washing dishes manually and ended up using the Cascade instead of the Fairy Liquid. HOWEVER, it IS cataclysmic when you put the Fairy Liquid into the dishwasher.

Dish soap has magic powers.

EVIL magic powers. After Lil Sis put the dishwasher on, we all came downstairs the next morning to discover that the entire kitchen was covered in bubbles and foam. It was like something out of a campy kids movie, complete with the cats up on the counter looking at the soap with horror, and then glaring at us as though we were the most moronic creatures ever to walk the earth since Sarah Palin. (It was breakfast-time and they could not access their food bowls, which means the Humans Have Failed Epically.)

Except it wasn't really that funny in real life.


  1. I was surprised to find Lance Henriksen so far down on your list, I was sure he was going to be at least 3 or 4! That's pretty spectacular that Brian May has a PH.D! Who would ever have thought that he was smart, but I guess I shouldn't assume that all rock stars are dumbasses.

    Thanks for the support on my post. I think I may have actually broken the cycle! xfingers crossedx


  2. MP3s are definitely the best modern invention on the planet! My iPod Nano has survived years of abuse INCLUDING a full cycle in the washing machine. I want a DVR but only one where I don't have to pay a company ongoing fees so they can peep at what I watch. Haven't found it yet.

    When I was a kid I got yelled at for leaving dry dishes because it made mom scrub, yelled at for soaking dishes because the water got funky. My bro got yelled at for leaving dirty dishes (later found out he would count the ones he left... He got yelled at for her dirty dishes). Expected to wash the dishes if she cooked for me because she did me the immense favor of providing sustenance, expected to wash the dishes if I cooked for her because well, that's the way things are.

    I'm 26 and still use disposable foodware.

  3. i don't have a dishwasher, or an ipod or a cat. Sobs. But i do have this brilliant post!

  4. I have to admit I'd never heard of Brian May by name before but I am a fan of Queen's music so that balances it out maybe just a tiny bit.

    You'll find your guy some time anyway, I wouldn't worry about it too much.

  5. Good luck with the man hunt!
    As for greatest invention? I don't use a dishwasher! I prefer to be more hands on!

  6. I hope you made lil sis clean it up. My little NIECE did that once. When she was 10.

    I was just without a dishwasher for over a month. And I didn't have one for a whole year or something in my first own apartment. It SUCKS. I AM very good at washing the dishes by hand but it SUCKS, so time consuming. And I'm a tweeker about it, I CAN'T fill the sink and do it the sensible way. I have to do it dish by dish and I know its wrong the whole time I'm doing it.

    FYI, I moved my blog. Now it's here:

    please follow that one kay thanks xoxoxoxo

  7. I like that you quoted yourself in your title. :D I finished Underwood in 2 days. My son (he's 10) has just started reading it for the second time, so good job.

  8. I seriously lol'd at the dishwasher story- I never actually knew anyone that happened to until now!

    The BEST things for ipods are those tape adaptors! I hate the person who owned my care before me because they ripped out my tape player and put a cd player in it. So next time you're looking for a new car, consider one with a tape player! Works SO much better than those radio adaptors (they haven't worked well for anyone I know irl).

    Thank you for being so wonderful :]

  9. the dishwasher story made me laugh! XD awww.

    my housemates at uni are RUBBISH at washing dishes. yuppy puts them on the drying rack when they are still covered in soap suds so they all get greasy marks on them, and i always find bits of food on everything when they are put away in the cupboards. :(

    disorderdness makes me obsessive about kitchen hygiene, but i forgive them because they are lovely in most other ways :)

    MWAH!! x x x x

  10. You make me laugh nearly every post! :P I don't think anybody is good at washing dishes these days! Erghh! I hate dirty things! Hope your ok :) xx

  11. I'm pretty sure the guy of your dreams doesn't live in Jersey. But he sure as hell DOES live here. Or in Michigan. Time to relocate!!!! Preferably here!! lol

    And thanks for all your wishful thinking in the scale department. hahaha my digital scale pretty much says the same thing that the old fashioned manual weight-adjustment scale at my gym says. Which bums me the fuck out, but I'd rather be bummed and realistic than optimistically deluded.

    I talked to MG about the kissing thing...he says I'm just hard to read, but now that he knows I'm ok with snogging, I might get snogged. IF I AM GERM FREE. WHICH I NEVER AM. hahahahahahahahaha fuck my love life.

    I'm so, so glad I'm not alone in my raised-eyebrow state towards that particular blog/blogger. I've gotten into it in the comments section before, and really...some shit she says just makes my fucking head spin. But then I'm really glad she makes no sense to me because it means I'm not as fucked as I sometimes think I am. I can still see the yellow brick road clearly and keep somewhat near it if not totally on it. And then when I get to the emerald palace I'll ask the wizard for a new mirror and a zero calorie loaf of gluten free bread. ;p

    Lastly...belly buttons are weird, BUT SEXY ABS HAVE THEM, and so I have made peace with them by sticking my finger into as many as I possibly can. No lie. I put my finger in Q's navel...he giggled like a school girl. Ice breakers, I got 'em.

  12. I know you wrote about many things, but i couldn't get past one. You put Tesla on the #1 spot. I think i might love you hahahah i've been saying that Tesla is the greatest genius ever and everybody told me i was crazy. He was like a badass Edison (who ripped him off, btw). It's nice to see i'm not the only one who loves that crazy crazy genius.

  13. I agree with plumber tesla is great, in fact I think 1 -10 should all be tesla and his clones. Love the blog follwed

  14. I've always thought Brian May was rather dishy, especially now that he's had time to 'improve with age'! The fact that he has a brain doesn't hurt either!

    I dream about owning a dishwasher. Living with 2 dirty 'beasties' and washing dishes by hand blows!

    I can't believe the boy is so insecure! I think we should find you a nice Saffa 'oke! In between the wankers and mama's boys there are still a few good men here who like a hot woman with a brain! :)

  15. We don't have a dishwasher here, and I despise doing the dishes. It's my least favorite chore. Ever. Period.

    I love how Marilyn Monroe is on your top 10 favorite people, though. She was soooooo beautiful.

  16. Dishwashers are right up there with air conditioners as one of the best inventions EVER.

    You actually can use dishwashing liquid in a dishwasher, if you're very very very very very careful to only use a teeny tiny amount. If you miss by even a fraction, though, you get the same result as your sister, which sucks. I know this from experience, having been successful a couple of times and UNsuccessful once, which was enough.

  17. I'm so sorry to inform you but you made a silly mistake: Freddie is number one.

  18. this made me laugh soooo hard i couldn't breathe!
    The Humans Have Failed Epically
    Love it!
    Wow I like your little sis.. she makes me sound like i can work complicated machines!

    btw my forgetful ass finally checked email again... i'll be a good little bee now.

  19. Where are all the good men? They're all dead or have been replaced by manscaping psuedo men. I hate those bastards. Christ, they get manicures. I've got one of the last good ones, he scratches, he belches, he farts, he'll smoke a stogey with ne and he does amazing shit with his hands. And you've got Conolly on your list. Smart woman. And thanks for the follow. You're a woman after my own heart, you could be Irish.

  20. I put you up on my Blogs Around The World spot on my page. I love yer feckin' posts and I don't want to miss any of them.

  21. ummm, I want to MARRY Brian May and have tons of beautiful babies with him. Like 10.

    my regular ipod charger also seems to break down every year and I need a new one every single bloody year. wtf?

    We didn't have a dishwasher the entire time I was growing up, so I never actually used one until college. I always wondered what would happen if I used dish soap.. glad i know now! lol

    Oh! the second cat is so adorable! I want him!


We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.