Tuesday, October 11, 2011

There's no way out. She'll only come in here and love you. And you don't want that.

The Universe really REALLY likes to mess with me. Today was one of the best yet, because it was something about which I can't really vent unless I employ some lengthy explanations. 

So here goes:

Among my favourite episodes of Millennium is "A Room With No View." (You can watch it here.) The circumstances that made "A Single Blade of Grass" my ultimate fav episode also contributed to "A Room With No View," but had the opposite effect--that episode freaks me the f**k out. 

Lucy Butler is the root of all evil. (I know I only put her at an 8 on my own scaleof evil, but I think the reasons for 9 and 10 are quite obvious.) In ARWNV, Lucy Butler kidnaps teenage boys, locks them in her house, and plays this song on a permanent loop. It never stops. That song plays throughout like 80% of the episode. 

I was in the liquor store today, and guess what song came on while I was attempting to pay for my Bailey's? 

wild guess

My brain function immediately dropped to just below zero. I didn't even know that was a real song. I thought it was composed and orchestrated by Lucy Butler herself, specifically for that episode of the show. 


Ok so I know I said there was a hoarding post and a ridiculous post in the forecast, but I feel the need to talk about a topic that I think makes many of us anxious. We all know the ongoing struggle of Going Out To Eat. Nothing derails my attempts at normal food consumption/recovery quite as effectively as the knowledge, several days in advance, that I will have to Go Out To Eat. And try as I might, it never ends well.

 Like Einstein's opinion on insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. 
(I don't think that's insanity; actually I'm pretty sure that just means you're human.)

I do the same thing every time I know I'm going to Go Out To Eat:

Stage 1: The starve-a-thon. Up to five days before the Going Out - only liquids, 300 cals or less. All of it must be exercised off, just in case I need emergency food at nite to remain conscious in front of people. And there's a good chance I'll exercise enough to burn quite a few more calories than I've eaten, as a sort of preemptive strike against the emergency food that may or may not be eaten later. (Yes, I know that the obvious solution to remaining conscious would be to eat more and NOT exercise all of it off, but if I was capable of doing that I probably wouldn't have an eating disorder.)

Stage 2: The day of the Going Out - eat NOTHING before dinner. Tea and water only. Exercise as much as possible--take a walk on my lunch break, do the treadmill or jog outside for half an hour after work because I won't have to time to go to the gym, and spend every second of free time hiding in my room and using the mini elliptical

Stage 3: The Going Out - Attempt to only pick at appetizers (we usually get apps for everyone to share, and it looks mighty suspicious if I don't touch any of them), don't drink too much, eat a salad with something that makes it look like a meal, NO DESSERT.

Stage 4: Drink too much (or get too drunk, because obviously I haven't eaten enough to balance out the alcohol intake). Get home. Panic.

Stage 5: The Purge - If I drank enough, I might be able to puke up whatever is left in my tumtum from dinner (that doesn't happen that often because I have no gag reflex and must therefore be pretty effing drunk in order to make myself sick). There's a 50/50 chance I will take laxatives. And there's 100% chance I will spend 2+ hours in the gym the following morning, exercising until I physically can't exercise any more. 

I think this could be the root of my binge-starve cycle. My family goes out to eat A LOT. But I do like going out to eat--once I'm there in the restaurant I do enjoy myself, and I like spending the time with family and/or friends. We usually go out on Friday nights, so I spend the days prior starving hardcore. Then Saturday I spend the entire morning at the gym. So by Sunday I usually feel like I've been hit by a truck. Starve-binge-purge-repeat.

This coming Friday, we're going out for Little Sis's 17th birthday. She wants to go to Mount Fuji, which is awesome and delicious and they actually have things that I can eat without feeling too guilty...

BUT their food makes me sick. Like really sick. Idk what it is, because other Japanese hibachi places don't make me sick like that. Last time I went to Mt Fuji I spent a good chunk of the evening doubled over with intense abdominal pain. After I was dropped home, I only managed to make it to the bottom of the stairs, and then I texted Little Sis to come drag me up to my room, stealth-like so Mum wouldn't see me. 

I couldn't even stand up, I was in such agony (and y'all know I do not like succumbing to pain or ailments of any kind). 

But it's Little Sis's bday, and thus her choice of where we eat, so I can deal. I can always just get retarded off mai-tais so I don't notice that I'm in pain later.

Off to the gym now, to burn off the 250 calories I've eaten so far today...



  1. i need to get to the gym alot more
    and ihave werid cycles too

  2. I will put my serious hat on and say...you are bound to get terribly sick :/ If what you said is real, seek help. It will fuck your health pretty bad that approach.

  3. God I am so glad to know I am not the only person who gets weirded out about eating a week in advance! Except usually I just end up eating a day or two before the eating event I was freaking out about in self-defeat? Lol.

    Yeah! Pumpkin eggos! 100 cals for one, but somehow when you eat two it goes up to 210?

    Have you ever heard of Jung's theory about synchronocity? I think you'd enjoy it...I personally find it strangly comforting.

  4. It's so hard to weed the ed out of every aspect of your life, but it can be done. <3

  5. This song is crazy. Twisted. Gives me nostalgia. wtf. how did you find it after you heard it in the liquor store. GAWD weird song drama happens to me--in stores too.. THANK GOD for youtube right. did you read some of the comments on the youtube?

    haha funny mad sis pic

  6. You are a wonderful story teller, though you've probably heard that several times already! Preparing a week in advance prior to going out seems like a good idea- though I'm usually a procrastinator and only start the day before. The only time I ever do the "don't eat before dinner" thing is the holidays- Thanksgiving, Christmas- you know, the big ones. Then I usually end up binging anyways. Or church dinners (church folks have a TON of dinners)...and then I usually end up over eating despite my pitiful attempts at controlling myself. -___- Have fun at the gym and I hope the party this Friday goes well- once you find what works for you, you can break out of that cycle ♥

  7. That pic of you and Little Sis is brilliant!

    i think we are going out TONIGHT....unless MIL gets all weirded out by the rain 'cause she hates going out in it (hope, hope!).

    However, when husband makes a plan....well, don't ever try to change it...SIGH.

    Not much time to prepare for this one...and i have manages to lose TWO packs of lax...who does that????????


  8. I managed to get myself out of the whole eating out thing by telling all my friends that I have a gluten allergy. It "makes it impossible" to eat most stuff at restaurants. You're restricted to salads "for health reasons" and I genuinely don't like salad dressing, so that saves me that drama. Win!


  9. So listened to the song for a short 6 minutes and was getting ubber annoyed, so couldn't imagine what it would be like for any longer: death probably.

    Happy birthday to your little sister and have a mai-tai for me!


  10. hee hee hee!!! i love this post, i can relate to it so much XD

    the worst ones are 'balls' or 'proms' where you also have to have dinner. it always ruins what would otherwise be a lovely experience!

    lots of love
    x x x x

  11. The first picture reminded me of the comic: I Feel Sick.

  12. God i love your posts, they do make me smile with all your artistic work :P Hope all will go well when you go out! Just eat whatever feels comfortable, no one can force you to eat if you don't want too :) Hope your all ok xx

  13. Do you ever read Hyperbole and a half? spooky similar drawings (don't worry I prefer you! <3). http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com

  14. I feel your anguish! Most eateries in this town are triple d's and we all know how healthy those are!


    I wish there were more heart smart/weight wise places in town. Obesity is a big problem here.

    I hope you enjoy your dinner, despite the dodgy cuisine. :)

  15. Like other people are saying in here your style of writing is excellent, I definitely thought this was an enjoyable read. Following your blog now for more interesting posts like this. Keep up the good work! :)

  16. The eating thing is hard core, I hate going out to eat myself, i also have to prepare for it - getting retarded off mai-tais sounds good though

  17. Another great post! Keep up with the excellent blogging! You're really good at it! - http://www.d22-zone.com

  18. I've wanted one of those mini ellipticals for a while but wasn't sure how effective they were so I haven't bothered to spend the money on them. But I might cave and get one for under my desk, but then I'd never sleep, I'd be on the thing every single minute I could... I try to avoid having exercise equipment at home, gave up my rower because I would spend 3 -4 hours every night on it, watching movies and exercising and I had to recover in order to be allowed back in college, so the rower had to go. Since I'm trying to rein in the neuroses, maybe getting another piece of home exercise equipment is not such a good idea

    I go crazy too, when I have to eat out. I agonize about it for days in advance. I usually do an "after" purge though, 2 - 3 hours at the gym for the next 3ish days without fail. Recently I've taken to actual stick-a-toothbrush-down-your-throat purging, which sucks, because I never could do it properly and now I can.. gotta rein that in as well...

    Anyway, I hope eating wasn't too bad, and that sister's birthday was well celebrated!

    <3 xoxo


We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.