I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

This is amazing. 


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
My ceiling fan is making a noise like a genetically augmented housefly being tortured while on steroids. 

I feel very tired today. Most likely this is directly related to the fact that I have not been sleeping very well. The OTC sleepy-pill cocktail remains unreliable. Either I'll feel very drugged-sleepy, but will toss and turn for hours and hours and HOURS unable to even half-sleep; or I will fall into my usual state of almost-mostly-sleep only to find myself waking up every hour or so. The end result of both is the same: by 7:30 in the morning when I'm supposed to wake up for work, I feel so physically and mentally exhausted that I just want to crawl under a tree and sleep for twenty years. 

I would really like a prescription for Restoril, but considering a friend couldn't even get them from his pill-happy Russian doctor, I'd say there's not much chance of my very anti-pill doctor giving me a prescription for the pharmaceutical equivalent of the Draught of Living Death. Friend gave me a couple of these other things instead--Belladonna alkaloids and phenobarbital. Friend insists that they will knock me unconscious better than tranquilizer darts (I've tried finding those--no success). I haven't tried these new pills yet. According the internet, they're used for treating tummy issues like colitis and irritable bowel syndrome, and can cause "mild sedation." Now I was under the impression that deadly nightshade (belladonna) was in fact DEADLY. Apparently it's not even a very controlled substance. I may add these pills to the collection of things I don't plan on taking unless I get incredibly bored/desperate/suicidal. (Currently that collection contains lithium, steroids, giant blue pills for Crohn's disease, ambien, some kind of estrogen supplement, and Celebrex.)

I am also feeling incredibly tired of this problem with eating. 

...I know; shocking, right?

-_-

I'm sick of being afraid to eat. Afraid to go out to eat. Afraid that 700 calories in a day is way too much. Afraid of not exercising for at least an hour, 7 days a week. Afraid of exercising without vitamins* because I can't burn as many calories. Afraid of weekends, afraid of the scale, afraid of my smallest pairs of trousers. Just sick to death of being afraid of EVERYTHING, and of having this knot-in-my-stomach jittery anxious feeling following me around all the effing time because I'm fat/stupid/failing at life/worthless/directionless/AAAAHHH and it makes me feel so SO tired. 

And it doesn't go away with "recovery." I can exercise normally, eat a healthy amount of food every day, and that little ball of lead is still there in the pit of my stomach. If anything, the attempts at recovery only make it worse, leaving me with a bigger ball of of lead and ringing in my ears. 

Ugh. Idk. Maybe I'm just in a funk. I still feel incredibly fat and bloated from the shore trip (was too scared to weigh until tonight--101 lbs; not as bad as I thought...). My trousers are quite a bit more snug around the middle than when I left, and every second that I feel them pressing against my belly is a second spent in a state of panic (basically, from 8.30 in the morning until 5.45 in the evening). I can understand now about this girl in my college years ago who apparently got so disgusted with herself one day that she took a  freshly sharpened pair of scissors and sliced  off the "roll of fat" around her stomach. She was found trying desperately to hold her insides in and was taken to the emergency room. 

.....Remember our rich friends with the perfect daughter? Guess what she just went into the hospital for. 

She's my height (5' 1"), and my current weight (101 lbs). She's been starving, and bicycling in excess of 30 miles a day. The doctor said that even though her BMI is "healthy," the weight is all muscle, and so she is most definitely underweight, malnourished, etc. because her exercise addiction on top of the starving has left her with "not enough" body fat. 

Mum glared at me and did not blink for over a minute after telling me this. How can she possibly still think I'm too thin when I feel fatter than I did right after Christmas?

Each time I have tried to recover, I feel like Frodo coming back from Mordor--after facing death and Mount Doom, of course it seems like a wonderful idea to come back to a nice quiet, happy existence in the Shire, but after a while I realize I can't stand it. I can't stand to be around everyone else with their dinners and going down the pub and parties with cake and laughing and Normal. I just want to sail away to the Grey Havens with the elves. 

The elves were all so fabulously thin. 

I haven't eaten since Sunday night. I can't. I tried. Every time I look at food, or think about it, I feel my trousers pressing into my abdomen and I want to die. So living on coffee and Spiru-tein until I feel less bloated....

What it really comes down to in the end is that I am completely, irrationally, stubbornly incapable of loving myself just as I am. I need to work on this, but I'm not sure how. :/

...I'm also not taking vitamins* anymore. Again. As I've think I've said in the past, I have not yet managed to kick both the vitamins* and ED at the same time. The one time I tried, it led to an epic relapse of both, so I'd rather tackle one hangup at a time. Even if it feels like juggling large ball of fire. 

Yeah so being happy with and loving myself. Work on that...

Speaking of happiness, becca did a really great post about finding happiness in little things. Such a simple idea that most of us seem to forget so easily...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

AND NOW on to some exciting news!!

...

...wait for it....

.......

...

The boy I like gave me his number!!!

He answered the facebook message, saying how sorry he was he didn't get it sooner and that since he doesn't go on facebook much, I should just call or text him. He also said he was sorry he missed Sunday's BBQ. He had other plans, but Friend said he had seemed genuinely disappointed that he couldn't go. Friend is a very lovely friend indeed, as she did not try to press me to talk about him or my crushing; in fact she didn't mention it at all except to casually suggest that I invite him again, and that I should definitely call him on the weekend. (We haven't been close friends for that long, considering how long I've known most of my other friends, so I wasn't at all sure how to proceed with the fact that I'm crushing on her cousin.)

Sooooooo after some anxious wall-climbing, I put a full hour of thought into a very short text message, basically saying I got his fb message and oh hey here's my number. 

I feel like I'm back in grade school. A third grader with a crush on the cute boy sitting next to me, asking him to the school Sock Hop via a passed note.

He responded. I shall try to find something to do with him on Saturday.  :D