I debated posting this. But I think I need to just get it out....
I'm in a bad place. A place full of extreme self-loathing. And I'm going to rant.
Yes, I am well aware that I am not worth anyone's time. This has been a constant in my life for as long as I can remember.
Oh I'm sorry. Am I being melodramatic?
If you could see the things I'm thinking of doing to you, you would have heart failure while bleeding out of your eyeballs.
I'm not sure exactly to whom I'm addressing this. Perhaps all of them. Perhaps just a few. Perhaps just one at a time. It's all the same in the end. What I'm saying is that I don't care if you think I'm being melodramatic. You never wanted to listen to begin with; I can't see why any of you would choose to listen now.
[I don't mean you, my followers. I mean all the Yous I can't actually address.]
I suppose it's a bad sign when not even your parents want you.
Yes, we can laugh about it now--how funny it was that Mich's first language was Jamaican Patois, that she didn't lose the accent until the end of the first grade. And then that funny accent she has now, the one that's gotten stronger some years, weaker in others. The hybrid accent of one who has spent too long crossing the ocean over and over again, shunted back and forth between parents, step-parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, nannies. Never long enough to get really comfortable. Never long enough to know what Home really means. Never long enough to know how to really relate to other people.
And actually connecting with other people on an emotional level? That's almost funny.
I'm so tired.
And Fat.
Stupid.
Ugly.
Worthless.
I can't sleep. And when I can, it's only nightmares.
Awful, violent, soul-crushing nightmares.
I can't do this anymore.
Screw recovery. Let the demons have me. All of them--Ed, Ana, Asp, the knives and the fire. At least I know they won't leave me. And I take great comfort in the fact that they might kill me before things get worse.
Upbringing is where most of us got our crippled psyches...however
ReplyDelete(and this is a very gentle however)
at some point, we are who and what we choose to become. We are given to ourselves, into the care and keeping of our own hands to create and recreate ourselves as we see fit.
And you know...creation is always a million times harder and more complicated than destruction. It is a simple thing to tear down what already exists. It's an act of brilliance to make something new and multifacted.
But you are a brilliant person. You can, I think, find it in yourself to make your own home, your own haven. Because that is what artists do...isn't it?
And whether or not you choose to be alright with emotional vulnerability (as it stands, a huge factor in getting close to others), is up to you, but as scary as it is, it still isn't truly out of your reach.
You are struggling, and it is distressing to be limping along without people around you to lean on, but lean on us, and keep going.
<3
Aww I really hope you feel better soon :( I know me saying that doesn't really help, but still. You might not feel like your parents want you, but I'm sure they do really, and even if they don't, we do :) I'm sure I can speak for all 437 of us that follow you and love to read about your life when I say we care :)
ReplyDeleteLottie x
well dear, I understand that you are in pain, emotional pain, and in no mood to listen to this..
ReplyDeletebut parents don't have a handbook how to raise their children. Some make mistakes, some change their mind and some well,should never have brought a little person to life. I feel the need to give you a BIG hug and tell you that making this post is a great step. Everyone here fights with demons, some of us more than others, but we can help each other. Just leave me a comment if you need someone to discuss :)
and as for growing up, you can keep all the hate inside and let it destroy you or you can forgive and forget. Start fresh knowing that people are mean and irresponsible but no one has the right to fuck up someone's life. And if this life is your's, then live it to the full, make mistakes, fall down, get back up again and once a while, why not, smile.
*big hug*
sorry for rambling in your comments..
i'm sorry you're feeling crappy too. *hugs* hang in there, mich. life's problems wouldn't be called hurdles if we couldn't get over them. <3
ReplyDeletedon't worry.
NO! WE WON'T LEAVE YOU!! You must love yourself first and most importantly. Fuck everyone else. No self-harm!! You're too damn pretty for that shit! You're a Jersey girl for Christ sake :)
ReplyDeleteDespite what you think and how you feel, you are unbelievably beautiful and deeply loved.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are in such a dark place. I truly hope things improve and very soon. You deserve to be happy. <3. XXX.
You're not being melodramatic because that's really how you feel (not that I agree with a word of it, you're wonderful and and worth way more than just my time). If anyone said that to you they need a large stick shoved up their ass. A rough one. With bumps and frayed bark.
ReplyDeleteTo your interest in those gummies;
http://www.iherb.com/Rainbow-Light-Fiber-Garden-Gummies-Multi-Fruit-Flavors-30-Packets/23445?at=0
little kids supplements are so much more fun than the adult ones.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I don't know you in the real world, but from all the things you've written, I know that you're a beautiful person, inside and out. No one has the right to tell you otherwise. xx
ReplyDeleteI know it sounds simple and shitty but...I don't think you need to pay a therapist to work out why you aren't entirely normal? I'm getting to the stage, with various problems at home that have always been there that there is a point where you become your own person. And I'm not saying you should deny yourself the wallowing of 'I had a shit childhood' because that is a pretty normal stage.
ReplyDeleteEssentially kids need to have tantrums at 2 and at about 15 as well as being naughty inbetween. So if you are shunted this way and that way and over the irish sea (do you know that tune?) you have to 'behave' around your mum and family like you're going to tea at a friends house you know? And your parents broke up and you went to a CRAZY school, then you got the joy of anxiety and depression, ED blahblahblah.
Basically I'm saying it is okay? it is okay to feel this way about your parents and feel pissed off and like you should have had better.
But once you've worked through that a bit you have to work out how you're going to be different.
I'm crap at phrasing and clearly I'm going to be crap if I become a psychologist.
xxx
(VIRTUAL HUGS)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're feeling so down.
I hope your mood gets better, I know the bad stuff is comforting at times, ppl suck and are so damaging, wish I had a shell I'd be a hermit.
Hang in there maybe this will pass, you're a great person, none of those awful self loathing things at all, but I can understand the feeling. Rant all you want, get it all outta you, makes you feel better a little.
o feel better mich ims orry for all that ur going thru if u want i can give u my cell if u ever wanna txt or talk im not in a good place eithe rim really sturggling fuck water is scaring me right now an di hate when i get to that point but hang in there hun please
ReplyDeleteHugs.
ReplyDelete"If you could see the things I'm thinking of doing to you, you would have heart failure while bleeding out of your eyeballs."
^ I feel I could have written something extremely similar to people around me. Especially family. I didn't have a concept of 'home' until I had moved away from everyone. People do suck most of the time.
Hang in there. It's okay to feel like this.
xx
Ranting is good. Sometimes we need to scream, shout, destroy, ect.
ReplyDeleteWe've all been there, to self-loathing land, and though it doesn't seem like it you are loved. People do care. Hope you get to feeling better.
Sam
writing is therapy, thats what these blogs are for, to help us deal with stuff & get support when you feel like shite. I feel as if I've gotten to know you through your blog & You're a very talented writer amongst many, many other things. You aren't any of the things you lsited in your post above.
ReplyDeletehugs
~ H
Oh, Sweet Mich, i am so very sorry about how awful you feel. You are connecting with me.
ReplyDeletei hate that such a great soul as you should have to feel so bad. You bring such joy to me and i want you to know that.
i wish for the hurties to go away very soon. You deserve no less, my Angel.
Sending all my Love,
tracy
<3 A rant is needed sometimes. You have a wonderful community here for you and i hope your happiness can return or begin, whichever it is I hope it flourishes and you are able to begin a beautiful new chapter without all of the pain
ReplyDeleteOh hun, listen: you are NOT fat- your body is lovely (you posted that pic of you a while back) and many girls would kill to have a body like yours. You're NOT stupid- you're brilliant, intelligent, quirky, and funny. You're NOT ugly- I think you're very beautiful and can give Ms. Monroe a run for her money. You're NOT worthless- your family has just failed to realize what an incredibly awesome person you are- inside and out- and when they finally do realize that, they're going to regret not realizing it sooner.
ReplyDelete♥