You are all far too good to me. <3
I feel slightly better. Not even remotely "Ok," but better.
I really don't resent my parents that much for my childhood. For the most part, they did the best they could with what they had. Mum knows she effed up and does try to make up for it.
Dad, however, is another story. But I haven't the energy to be pissed off about that anymore.
I think the last post didn't come out quite right, anyway. It wasn't really directed at my parents. But when you're as frayed as I am at the moment, 'tis difficult to put it into words.
So I'm going to keep dragging my bloated, decaying carcass out of the muck. At least, out of the muck of self-hatred and wallowing. Because I hate wallowing. Recovery is still getting the FU. I need to sort out the mess in my head before I can attempt to recover from my various hang-ups.
Going to go blaze, and then go to the gym. (Trading one drug for another? Maybe. But at this point, FECK IT.)
Hope all of you are having a better week than I am. <3
I hope you find yourself in a happier place soon babe! Remember i'm always here if you need to chat about anything, god knows you make me feel so much better with the comments you leave me so I can only hope to match that. Take care! xx
ReplyDeletehave fun a tthe gym hun it always helps me sort out ofmy head
ReplyDeletehye mitch, haven't read the last post yet (reading backwards) but felt the need to say I know where your coming from. Our moms sound quite similar and even though they're trying now, it doesn't erase the scars/bad memories of childhood.
ReplyDeleteHope the blazzzze n gym help clear your head & you feel better.
~ H
Family crap...never ends, does it? Sometimes you just need to vent, no mater how it might sound. Melodramatic rants, hours at the gym, and a joint or two...they all sound like great ways to mellow. But it sounds like your issues have deep, deep roots and eventually you'll need a more permanent solution.
ReplyDeleteI won't pretend to know how you're feeling or what you could do about it (that's Kazehana's dept. lol) but I hope you can fight the urge to sacrifice yourself to your demons. Beat those fuckers back with a frying pan!
I will definitely check out some of your recipes, your s'mores cookies look delicious! Tried reading some of your fiction but the link is broken. If you want to swap stories, send me a FB message with your e-mail.
btw...you get the Star Ledger right? Did you see the interview w/ Lance Henriksen the other day? lol...someday you'll have to explain your fascination with him. I'm a bit behind everyone else here :)
I'm so sorry you're feeling low. Just know that we love and support you... and if you lived here, I'd take you out to my favorite coffee shop, where we could sip drinks and you could vent to your heart's content.
ReplyDeleteBe as good to yourself as you're able, dear.
Nah my week is pretty horrible too, but still definitely love you :)
ReplyDeleteHope your week gets better. I've been sober for awhile now and I used to be a really demented junkie. I still am at heart but I'm reasonably happy today, although not so much this particular day since I'm unemployed and just got the news that I didn't get a job I really wanted. But it's still shit-tons better than it used to be. Don't hesitate to ask if I can help in any way.
ReplyDeleteOh hon, sorry things are shit. Sometimes the voices get pretty fucking loud hey, and at the end of the day none of us know who we're really screaming at any more, or even what we're screaming about. I'm glad you posted your previous post, and this one as well. You are so giving of yourself in this community, I see your comments everywhere, and not just little pictures of hearts and banal messages but actual comments that help and heal us, so finally we can give you some of that back, and tell you that you are endlessly inspiring even when you're stuck, that you're uplifting and supportive even when you're angry, that you are beautiful and radiant even if you can't see it, you're solid as a fucking rock even if you think you're crumbling. You are so fucking talented, and I can't wait to see your name in print. I will buy armloads of copies of your first book and boast to the bespectacled checkout waif that I know you. I am so grateful for every line you have written to me, each word you have given has made a difference. You continue to astonish me, and delight me, and sometimes lead me to maniacal laughter in each one of your posts. Thank-you, and carry on my girl.
ReplyDeleteWren xx
I hope you're able to get out of your muck soon- wallowing is never good and can only lead to further depression. Being able to pick yourself up in the most sad, depressing times is important. Apparently I had missed your last post so Imma go read that one now. Take care and I hope your week turns into a pleasant one! ♥
ReplyDeleteAAARRGGH - i had a wonderful astute LOOOOONNNGGG comment and the computer ate it! Suffice to say -you are cute, smart and very talented and we love you!!!
ReplyDeleteBlazing has also become my solace. Sometimes it's easier having your body in the same state as your mind eh?
ReplyDeleteI'm very proud of you. Sending you light and love. <3. XXX.
ReplyDeleteWe love Mich!
ReplyDeleteWe love Mich!
We love Mich!
*runs around in a too-tight cheerleader outfit waving big fluffy pompoms, wearing a tiny glittery heart necklace*
I feel you. I've been in much the same self-loathsome rut lately.
ReplyDeleteAt least you're carrying yourself out of it far enough to make it to the gym. I peeked out the patio today and saw more than one person in the gym and decided it was better not to go. :/ Scurried back inside and played with the cat instead, haha.
At least you're feeling.... better-ish. It helps sometimes to just rant and let it out.
Much love!