Z is for Zits

I thankfully did not have much of a problem with acne as a teenager. But I still had this notion that once I reached adulthood, I would magically never get zits again.

I get more zits now than I ever did in high school. And they are no longer limited to my face. I've gotten random tiny ones on my arms and chest. I've gotten the shoulder ones (usually in summer) and every time one of those pops up, I go into a blind panic, Viking Roomie's words ringing in my ears from the times she got pimples on her shoulder ("ONLY FAT PEOPLE GET BACNE!!").

The zits seem partial to my jawline. You know what happens when a person with no willpower gets a zit on their neck? That person MUST pop it (sewing needles work best), and because zits are assholes, that person will end up looking like they got bitten by a vampire.

Do y'all know how hard it is to cover up little scabs with foundation? And do y'all know how impossible it is to NOT pick those scabs?? 

Ugh.

Y is for Your Personal Space and My Personal Space Being Separate Things

We've probably all experienced this at some point in our lives. You're at the supermarket and waiting on line, and you get this feeling that something is not right. Then you feel this faint warm breeze on the back of your neck.

Someone is standing behind you, and standing absurdly close to you.

You try to move up a little without crowding the person in front of you, but the creeper behind you just moves up as well. Stepping a little bit to the side doesn't work either; the creeper can get even closer to you if you do that.

What do you do? Social etiquette makes it difficult for you to turn around and address the issue directly with the weirdo who is occupying your very personal space. Do you just grit your teeth and try to ignore it until it's your turn at the register? If you're anything like me, you can't.

I have invented a number of solutions for this situation, all of them designed to not only get the creeper out of your space, but to impart upon them the lesson that one should not stand that close to complete strangers in the supermarket.

1. Sneezing

Fake a sneeze. And not some little pansy sneeze. A BIG, booming sneeze. One that racks your whole body. This allows you to jerk your body in the creeper's direction. No one likes getting sneezed on.

2. Foot stomping

Pretend to slightly lose your balance. (If you're me, you don't even have to pretend.) Step backwards, directly onto the creeper's foot. And not a light step. A good hard stomp that can crack bones.

3. Elbow to the gut

You need to get your cell phone out of your purse. Naturally, this leads to a good hard elbow to the stomach for the person behind you.

4. Long hair to the face

Have nice long hair? Give it a good dramatic sweep over your shoulder. I have never done this because I can't pull it off without looking like I'm having a seizure, but I've seen others do it.

What about the rest of you? I'm always open to suggestions for new tactics.