Horror Movie Hoedown Episode 1

Buzzfeed recently published this list of horror movies that are apparently scary enough to make you shit your pants. 

To celebrate this Halloween season, I shall be giving my honest horror-movie-scholar knowledge and opinion on every movie on this list. I have not seen all of them, but plan to watch 1 or 2 a day so I can review the entire list.

For our pilot episode, I shall give my opinion on the films that I've seen already. 

1. House of 1,000 Corpses. This was Rob Zombie at his finest (followed by The Devil's Rejects). It is a masterpiece of classic horror and I love every minute of it. 
However, it is not scary enough to actually scare you. If this movie actually makes you feel FEAR, you should not watch anything that might be remotely scary.


3. Hell House, LLC. Currently watching. Shows promise. 


5. The Blair Witch Project. This "movie" was possibly THE WORST FILM EVER MADE EVER EVER EVER. Unless your biggest fear is dying of an epileptic seizure, or being bedridden because you're having a horrendous attack of Vertigo*, this movie IS NOT SCARY AT. ALL. It's a bunch of idiots wandering the woods at night and whining before they find an abandoned building and the film ends. That's it. That's the whole fucking movie. 


8. Saw. This is a legitimately good and very original horror movie. And it definitely makes you anxious. 


10. The Fourth Kind. I admit I only watched this because Milla Jovovich is in it. I am not easily scared or rattled by horror movies, but one thing that does scare me is aliens. I went into this movie thinking I'd be scared out of my wits, but I don't even remember much of the movie. 
Alternate recommendation if you're terrified of aliens: Dark Skies, which came out in 2013.


11. The Grudge. Didn't scare the crap out of me exactly, but I'll allow it. 


12. Silent Hill. One of the better films based off of a video game. The scary monsters are actually pretty terrifying. This is one I would recommend. 


13. Coraline. HOLY SHIT that movie was creepy. The book was also creepy, but the movie really fecking NAILED IT making the scary bits really scary.


16. Candyman. Like House of 1,000 Corpses, this is just classic old school horror. I wasn't scared, but I thoroughly enjoyed this film. 


17. Paranormal Activity. Not exactly terrifying, but it does have some really great jump scenes.  

18. Fire In The Sky.  HOLY HAND GRENADES TERRIFYING I DID NOT SLEEP FOR WEEEEEEEEKS


That is it for this episode. If you've seen any of the above movies, let me know what you think. And I'm also always open to horror movie recommendations. 
























* I did. Had to leave the theater being supported by two of my friends, and could not stand up for more than 20 seconds at a time for three days. 

State of the Blog Address

Quite a few peeps have reached out to me after this blog went silent (y’all need to find some hobbies), and so at the insistence of you poor misguided fools, I shall attempt to keep blogging. [just kidding, you know I love you guys]

Not really much has happened. Ditched the boyfriend, but managed to make him believe it was his idea because I really didn’t want to hurt him, as he had low self esteem to begin with.

A few good things have happened recently, the first being finally able to listen to Tool on Spotify.

Tool also released a new album after a 13 year hiatus, knocking Taylor Swift off the #1 spot on the music charts, which was wildly entertaining simply for the shock and confusion amongst her fans. It’s about time great music made it onto the charts again.

Niecey-G, the youngest of all the nieces and nephew, STARTED FECKING HIGH SCHOOL last week. Like wat. I was changing her diapers a year ago, I swear. Big Sis#2 is not taking it very well, as Niecey-G was her only baby and she has reached the age where she would much rather hang out with her friends than with her mother.***

Niecey-G had some issues with nasty girls in her friend group towards the end of the last school year, so I have been teaching her the ways of Ultimate Assholery. She has so far perfected Resting Murder Face, and the uncomfortably-long-condescending-non-blinking-glare. I’m also giving her a crash course in behavioural psychology to both read people’s minds based on little behaviours, and use that knowledge to control them.

Much more important stuff than the rubbish they teach you in school. The education system in this country is a joke. I am living proof of this.

In other news.......

despite generally being the throwaway child and most likely candidate for Dad's Least Favourite Child, I have been catapulted to the position of The #1 Favourite. All because I discovered that NBC has an app that lets me watch all the Premier League games LIVE.

I used to obsessively follow English football, until like ...2010? when our cable package ditched the foreign sports channel unless we paid for like 8 channels no one would watch. So no more football. 

But now Dad--who tried relentlessly to get both brothers into soccer--has someone to watch footie with every weekend. Someone who supports the same team he does.


That's it for now, I think. The Christmas decor will not be coming down, as by the time I actually make an autumnal banner, it will probably be Easter 2020. If any of you actually read this, let me know how you're doing.

*Big Sis#2 has finally had to shell out $100+ she doesn’t have to buy Niecey-G a graphing calculator that will never see daylight once Niecey-G is done with high school.

**Trigedasleng. Mich Nerd Level Raiden.

***YOU GUUUYUYYYYUS Neicey-G IS OUT ON HER FIRST DATE WITH A JUNIOR I REALLY F**KING CAN'T RIGHT NOW